The Unspeakable Secret

Wow, it's almost been a week since I've posted anything...Is there a reason? Probably not, but I feel like there is one hidden in the back of my mind. This week has been fairly fast going, productive I guess. The first three days of the week went by like a jet, especially since we had Wednesday off. I forgot what happened Thursday and Friday completely...haha. Hmm...On Monday...I forget, on Tuesday I played badminton, which was good. Wednesday...I got ditched after I ditched and the weekend began...My long, facinating weekend that went by way too fast. I don't want to go to school tomorrow, but I guess I'll have to. Back into the dreaded atmosphere of routine and drama. *sigH* It's okay though, only 242 days left...It's slowly dwindling down...I wonder if I'll miss my classmates when I leave...I've been wondering about that for a long while now...Still don't seem to have come to a conclusion as of yet....Maybe one day soon though...Maybe.

Badminton's getting more and more fun everyday. Every time I get out of my chair, I want to hold a racket and practise something because I know I still have a long way to go before I'm able to complete with anyone to a great extent. But it keeps me from doing stupid things, saying stupid things so I really appreciate it. It's like a remedy to all my worries, as soon as I'm holding a racket, everything goes away and it's time to play. I'm not sure if I'll get good enough to get a medal at cities this year, but hopefully, my hard work will pay off someday...Even though, I wouldn't mind at all if it didn't since badminton as already done so much for me. I have 9 more classes left, next one on Tuesday, I can't wait to try out my new backhand... as a great man once said, "When you can backhand smash, you will be sexy." He was probably Asian because well...I'd like to think so =P.

This weekend was quite nice, got a few things done. Got the present for Keay, which I'm very happy with, and is on the verge of getting my library card. Yea.. After 5 years in Calgary, I'm finally gonna get a library card...Mostly forced because of the EE and IA, but I guess it doesn't hurt to open a book once in a while. Today I tutored English. I like helping people. Especially teaching, I found out. Whether it's coaching badminton, going through the steps in a Math problem or finding ways to make English easier to learn, it's fun. In the end, I end up helping someone else and once in a while get a "Thank you". It feels nice when you feel appreciated...but that's another topic for another time.

Now to come to the title of this blog. No I don't intend to tell anyone a secret, rather it's a movie that I watched this weekend. It's directed and played by Jay Chow and after watching it, my respect for him has once again rose from that sudden claps when I heard his new album. It's a great movie that mixes romance with fantasy. A love story that fits in perfectly with how I picture love to be. How many times, I've gone through the same scenarios over and over again. It's like having my thoughts on the big screen. I love this movie. It made me realize my true self once again. Why I'm a hopeless romantic and why I'll probably never change that part of me. It also gave me some hope for myself, even though it was a movie. None the less, it's good to know that there are other people in this world that still haven't given up on romance. The female actress was also amazing. She was extremely pretty and gave a sense of playfulness that just rings through your head days after you've watched the movie. Anyway, I'm not going to go through every detail of the movie just in case it somehow makes its way to North America, but I'd like to share a little melody from the movie. It probably won't have the same effect for you guys as it did to me, but I think it's nice. It's called Angel and it doesn't have lyrics so all the better.

Think that's gonna be all for today. I'm very glad my heart doesn't feel like it's being stabbed by a thousand needles anymore. Hopefully someday soon it'll be back to the way it was...Later days =P.

Another Day

Haven't posted in a while...I think haha. Not much wanna say right now, but listening to the radio today and found a good song that I wanna put up. Tongue Tied by Faber Drive. The lyrics are here...You just click on the blue words and it'll take you there! I know...pretty amazing...also notice I made "lyrics" the link...Smart isn't it? Since this is an English s...OMG, it's an English song!!! This is amazing isn't it. Me, listening to English songs...Amazing.

Haha, anyway, drew a little comic today, might put it up sometime soon because it's pretty cool...Might start drawing some comics every now and then and one day put them all up...It'll be a time line of my drawing and how it improves (hopefully) overtime =P. Wait...I'm reading over this little post and it seems like I didn't complete what I was gonna say earlier...Yea...well, it's too late now xP.

Okay...Think I'm done for today. Hope you guys enjoy the song. Later days.

Song...Again

Here's the song that I said I would put up. Have a little free time today...That's all...It's the second song on the playlist. Hope you guys like it haha. Later days =P.

When you are on the other side of the mountain range,
I am walking on the lonely road without a destination.

How many “Not enough time” is there in one life time.
Realizing that the most important thing is already gone.

Understanding has already left long ago.

Why is it always that after something wrong has been done,
that we finally realize it’s our fault?

They say that this is life.

Trying to experience, trying to hold back the tears.

But still can’t avoid the feelings that’s suppose to happen.

I won’t ask the world to stop spinning

I know being naughty won’t change anything

But during this short time, especially at night,

Can’t help but remember the memories that are so hard to forget.

I think my missing you is some sort of disease.

Forever, things can’t fully recover.

When you are on the other side of the mountain range,
I am walking on the lonely road without a destination.

Often, feeling your breath behind my ear.

But actually not feeling the breath in my heart.

Hurriedly

Forgetting that the people around needs love and care.

Excuse is always the distance growing

Unconsciously, silently.

We’re always complaining contrary to what is expected,

Not wanting to look turn around and look at ourselves.

Wondering about the truly stupid matters that we’ve done.

Maybe it’s God giving me a trail love.

Only, this wound needs some time.

Only, will remember everything in the past.

Those human affairs will leave far away from me,

The hatred within us will also part…
Turn into memories.

Oh missing is a type of disease
Oh missing is a type of disease…type of disease

How long has it been since I said I love you?

How long has it been since you’ve held the one you love?

When this world has stop getting anymore beautiful,

Only love can make it better.

I believe there will be enough time.

Don’t worry about those troubling things

Don’t let unhappiness keep you from moving

Just afraid you won’t say, just afraid you won’t do.

Don’t let regret continue, there will be enough time.

Need a Break

*sigH* Finally home from work. That bloody cash register...I swear if it had arms it would hold me prisoner at that place forever and ever. Took me fucking 45mins to close! I'm gonna take that damn register, smash it to pieces, glue it back together then do it again Wasting my time...fucking thing. But none the less, I got over with it, with the help of Nourian...Yes, a little depressing, but still, I'm sure next time around it won't take that long...I'm just a slow learner.

Anyway, shits been pretty shitty lately. I realized I say stuff from time to time that I regret later on...Ever had that happen to you? Yea, it's like emotions just blind you and you just start rambling on and on about everything, but after some time, while you were snacking on a Teen Burger from A&W, you realize how much of an idiot you were. Yea, sometimes, I'm such a fruit, makes me sad. But seriously, life's a pretty big bummer right about now. Old friends are gone, good friends are going and new friends just won't come. I've always been the one that doesn't really care much about friendship, well I care, just not getting too emotionally attached to anyone so in the end, it hurts a little less. Still do think this way, but there are those friends that do get too close to and in the end, I can't let go. I keep telling myself it's pathetic, it's useless. I've tried accepting it, understanding it, avoiding it, but for some reason, it just lingers on to me, not wanting to let go. Currently, I'm faced with a pretty hard situation...To me at least. It's been hard from the beginning, but somehow I've always managed to convince myself that I'm doing the right thing. This time, I'm not so sure. Now before I get into this further, I want to let people know that I'll be dealing this on my own. Please, don't get involved. I need to do this on my own. It's about time I've learned to do these things and when people help me, it just makes me feel better, but not actually solve the problem. I need to solve this thing now. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday soon because I can't take it anymore. I arrive at school everyday, just to have that feeling of wanting to go home. I just want everything to work out. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I will. I have to. The truth of the matter is not that I can't let go because it's physically impossible to, it's because I don't want to. How long as it been...almost two weeks...wow, only two weeks...It seems a lot longer to me. Every moment that passes by seems like hours at a time. I think about it, I feel bad about it then I'd get angry about it, by then I'll probably be depressed too. Then I'll think about it some more, come to a logical conclusion and for a while, I'll be okay. It's been a hell cycle to me. I don't know what to do...I really don't. But I do know one thing though...I miss her.

Collins told me something today...My feelings show, I don't hide it well. It's probably true, when I'm feeling like shit, it's kind hard for me to fake a smile. I do it from time to time, but it's difficult. Maybe I should try harder. If people are willing to believe, that means I should be willing to do right? Yea, it makes sense. I just need to chillax...Take a few days off, enjoy the view...I need to go to my river again. Oh yes...my place of....everything. It's been so long since I've been there. I need to go again. This weekend, I'm going to go. Watch the water flow, feel the wind blow, listen to the birds sing and just get lost in the beauty of nature. I want to say I want someone to come with me, but I don't really know who...Everyone seems so distant now...So far away...Ah well...I guess I can ask around who's free this weekend. Making an effort never hurts....haha...

Hmm, it seemed like I had a lot to rant about when I was thinking of blogging today. Guess all that time spent selling crap and putting up prices took all that anger and confusion away. I was going to put up a song today, but I'm too lazy and too tired to do that...next post, I promise. With lyrics too (translated of course) for my English speaking friends.

Until then...What to do...What to do...*Spaces out*

Disease

Saturday, 8:01PM...Status: Bored. Once again, I am here in my place of solitude to get somethings off my chest. I REALLY should be doing my English project, but I just can't start. I don't want to write about the book, I don't want to look for lines that I can use as evidence because frankly, I don't see a point to it. I like English...Never thought I'd say this, but yes, it's interesting. The ideas, concepts are all very interesting, but I don't want to do it to get marks. I want to do it when I feel like writing. When I feel like dissecting the little bits and pieces of literature to understand something better. Isn't this how all great literature come by? Through inspiration and instinct rather than forced analysis of something? I know it's for our own good, but I can't help think there is some better way to approach this. Never the less, I'm going to have to start soon. Right after this post...Probably going to have get someone to help me too because when I start writing it, I'm at a loss for words because there's so much I want to say. Ever have that happen to you? Yea, it sucks something else.

Anyway, today I experienced stress...Yes I know amazing, it has been quite a while since I've actually been stressed. No, it's not my English, History or any of that school crap. I was driving my sister to piano. And no, I wasn't stressed because I don't know how to drive. I got there fine. Just the moment when I realized I forgot to bring my driver's license freaked me out a little bit. Yea, for the first time since I got my license, I forget to bring it and it HAS to be when my parents aren't home so if anything did happen I was going to be in so much shit, that when I got out of it, I would of reeked for a good latter part of my life. That caused me a little bit of stress. Good news is I got home fine without any copman come after me. Relief...

So while I was procrastinating today, talking to some people online, I realized something. (I know this is a horrible transition of topics, but STFU). You know how when you meet someone new and is getting to know them, people generally have tons to say? About their experiences, stories, yada yada? Yea, I realized, I have nothing to say. The natural flow of conversation just doesn't come to me anymore. To some extent, I couldn't care less. I don't talk much to anyone anyway, so what's the big deal right? But then what if someday I really wanted to get to know this cute girl I met at some random party? What do I say then? "Uh...So...Wanna tell me about yourself?" No, you know why? Because it sounds so dumb that I wanna just shoot myself in the foot get it amputated then use my foot to hit myself on the head. *sigH* What's wrong...where has all the social skills that I should have developed throughout my life gone to? Maybe when I pick who I want to get to know, I'll choose someone who doesn't stop talking...That way, I won't have to talk! Just have to stay awake while the person goes on...and on....and on...and yea.

Anyway, my point is! Haha, yea there's a point...People, I'm sorry if I don't talk to you that much about anything. It's not that I don't like you, in most cases, it's because I have nothing to say. You can be the most wonderful person in the world, but all the same, I still won't have shit to say to you. Depressing, but I've come to terms with it. I apologize for not "being a good friend" or "being a jerk", I really do, but when I try too hard with these things, it just gets really awkward and no one likes awkwardness right? Phew, that feels a little better...Now time to start on my BLOODY ENGLISH!!! Later days =P.

Step...Step

Okay...So as for that post I said I would put up very soon...yea, here it is! Yea...It took a while, but I've been kinda busy and really I should be doing my homework right now. But I've reconsidered my priorities for the next 10 mins into blogging because chemistry has taken a shit load out of me and now I'm tired.

Anyway, my parents are gone for the weekend. Some religious thing to Red Deer...Yea...Don't ask me, I have no freaking clue why or when they became so dedicated as to leave my sister and me home alone for 3 days. I don't really mind though, it's a break from listening to their constant bitching at each other. Have a shit load to do though, on top of my homework at this. Pick sister up, drop sister off, give her medicine, feed her...god, it's like taking care of a pet...except one that'll annoy the hell outa you if you don't do what it wants. Ah well, I guess spending some quality time with the lil sis won't be so bad. Might be fun xP.

School's been pretty shitty lately, all the English is catching up, failing History and just don't really wanna deal with all that shit anymore. Still counting down...still slow. Just gotta take it one step at a time. Relationships with people have really changed though. It's like I tried too hard and just ran out of steam since I was running against an invisible wall. All is for the best I suppose. People change and move apart, way of life haha.

Should probably get back to doing some work again...Gonna post a picture for this blog. Maybe I'll start putting a picture up for some posts. It seems like a good idea, makes everything a little more...more...well, think you know what I'm saying. Later days.

Song Dedication

There is always some sort of chance.

Like when I met you at first glance.

Those kind, sparkling set of eyes

Appeared in my dreams without lies.

My love is just like a wandering cloud.

In your sky there is no room to halt.

How I wish to turn to pure raindrops.

To completely soak the soil in your heart.

No matter how the future turns out,

At least, we’re happy as of now.

No matter how things come to an ending,

As long as you’re the one I’m missing.

I won’t take it as a game,

Because my love is true and there’s no shame.

Always there are things I’m afraid to mention,

Afraid that you’ll go into decision.

I took the selfish, feelings out of sight,

And hid them into the night.

My love is just like a piece of boat,

In your sea there’s nowhere to float.

Always searching for a beautiful harbour,

Hoping to not drift and wander forever.

No matter how the future turns out,

At least, we’re happy as of now.

No matter how things come to an ending,

As long as you’re the one I’m missing.

I don’t care how the future makes its way,

But I want to see you everyday.

I don’t care how the conclusion will be due,

I really want to be together with you.

If you up until now you still don’t believe

It’s okay, don’t worry, I’ll quietly leave.

Tired...Getting Tireder

11:36Pm and I'm still not in bed...what's wrong with me? Nothing, except I'm very tempted to write a blog xP. Let's start with yesterday...Went to play badminton, that was a lot of fun. To be truthful, it's the only time where I'm having fun and free. Just letting things go, not worrying about anything, just running around and doing something I love. Same thing happens when I'm playing games. It's just a way to cross into a world of fantasy, to relinquish my feelings, thoughts and just go with it. Feels nice, although it doesn't last. Lee showed up at badminton, for her brother, but brought the grad video camera...yea. Like many times before, when she shows up, I get this rush of adrenalin. I dunno why, I dunno how, it just always happens. Feel the blood pump right through me. Feel like I can jump higher, smash harder, run faster, but then just like many times before, God slaps me in the face by pulling my calf. Maybe it's a sign...like the many signs I've kept on receiving, but I chose not to follow them. What can I do about it, like I've said many times, to do the right thing, sometimes you have to sacrifice what you want the most. I really don't want to care anymore, just let it all go, forget everything, anything, have a new start, but I can't, not now at least. Just gotta do what feels right, until they all leave...It's started already, I just for some reason, think it's for the better. Just one more year though, I think I can start a new journey by then.

Friends, another topic that I've wanted to talk for quite a while now. I'm sure we've all had them, good ones, bad ones, but one thing that's a commonality between all of them: They leave. No matter how much they say they care, they all end up leaving. Now, I'm not saying I don't think friends are necessary. Of course they are, they'll be there for you when you need it, have good times when it's there and make the best of things when everything looks like it's all going to shit. Friends are great, everyone needs them...but I for one, will not create bonds that's been forged so tightly so that when it breaks, it feels like you've just been torn in two...again. I think the best thing to do is to just be a myself. I've been trying really hard at it xP. Help people out when they want it, treat them as a friend during the times you know each other and just keep it at that. Life's really not that bad. Shit happens, but if you just take a look at the big picture, occupy yourself from thinking about the unthinkable, it doesn't hurt as much. I don't think I'll ever truly understand how much life means until one day I experience the near death experience, to be in a position where you're about to leave everything you have, to loose everything that you care about. That moment will be the true moment that will allow you to see how wonderful life really is. How much you should treasure it because there's only one life. I think I've got my fingertips on the idea because my friend has endured that, but other than that bit of experience in my life, I'm still just a child, waiting for the spanking so I can finally wake up from the silly dream I'm living in called "Teenage".

Well, that's about as emo as anyone can get. Haha, but it's nice getting shit down, even if it's writing. To be honest, I have a slight feeling of regret for writing this, hope no one thinks about this too much. It's just another one of my rants that I sometimes live by. Things will be okay, they always will be...It's just, I'm a little tired right now...getting tireder.

Beginning of October

Yay! First day of October...Haha, it's really not that special, but it's one day closer to graduation xP. Hmm...Feel like writing a blog today. Something to do after a long days worth of work...or should I say 4 freaking hours of bloody reading! I could of spent that time catching up on my history reading, but I must admit, the bits and pieces about the different types of metals and how they're made was quite interesting. Overall, I'm very glad I've started working again, feels like I'm finally doing something productive over the hours...ironically, the first thing I do from getting back is write a blog...hmm...Moving on, turns out I have to do a test on everything that I've read. Probably won't be that hard and open booked, but none the less it's a test and that just makes me twitch. My co-worker, which I will not mention as of yet since I don't know his last name, was quite nice. Not sure how old he was, but seems like a nice guy that knows how to have a good time. Went to WIC for high school so that's pretty interesting. He didn't like it much there...Snobby rich kids in an expensive private school...go figure.

Well that was my work day, but others things also happened today. I really feel like I should stop talking to people because sometimes I say things that just doesn't turn out the way I want them to. I think I've fixed it though, not sure. Hopefully Collins will just forget everything I mentioned and move on with life. It's none of my business. I should have never spoke of anything...but why do people keep bugging me about talking...gah the dilemmas! Ah well, another day, another adventure. Something interesting that did come up during Collins' conversation with me was of how she thought of things. Friends, drama, the importance and disappointment of it all. She seems to think that life is very complicated...but is it really? I dunno, maybe she's right because I can certainly see where she's coming from, but why can't we just go along with our daily lives without all the gossip and drama...avoid it, ignore it, forget it...Yea..forget it is right, no one can live without drama, it's too common and way to easy to get caught up in it. Anyway, I don't think I have a point here...but..."Wake up Call"! Haha...what a good song.

Think I'm done with today's thoughts...yep, I'm done..Later days =P.