Going Home

Today was the last day of my finals...I have officially completed one of eight semesters of my undergrad life. It feels...nothing really...it's probably due to the atmosphere of the residence. Pretty much everyone has gone home and I would be too if it wasn't for the stupid winter storm that managed to scare my dad in rearranging my flight one day later. *sigH* sitting here all by myself in a hotel that's pretty much empty is quite a drag...it feels so cold. No one to celebrate with, no one to talk to...just me sitting here staring into the screen. So what comes to my mind after 5 hours of blankly staring? "Let's blog about something".

Life's been pretty stale recently...nothing to look back on, nothing to look forward to. This past week seemed like the longest week of my life...every time I flip open my cellphone a moment of happiness comes to me, but disappears just as quickly as it comes. The exams were...yea...they're over...I think I passed all my courses, but I'm not even sure I did...there was no motivation this semester to do anything academically, it was pretty sad, but hopefully next semester will be better. This past week, I realized how alone I am here at UT...it's not a bad feeling though...feels peaceful...I guess I never noticed before because there was always someone I could go to, but this past week, I had no one...it felt weird...it felt like something was missing and I was constantly waiting for it to come back. Patiently of course, without any sense of urgency. Just letting the seconds tick away as my next exam came. It was a weird feeling that I can't really put my finger on...maybe I'll have a better clue about it the next time I experience it.

Tomorrow, I'm going back to Calgary...still not sure what I'm going to do...there's not much I want to do. Singing K is an option, but it's not like an urge...playing badminton lay about the same grounds...I do however want to get my hands on the SNES controller with Hadi by my side to own some Shredder ass though...that's definitely a must do. Other than that, I'm probably just gonna relax, work out and do some studying. Yea...studying. Probably going to have to look through computer programming and write some little programs because if I don't get my ass back in gear for that class, I'm definitely going to be majorly fucked next semester. Celebrate my little sister's birthday. And yes, I got her a little thing for her birthday. It's a teddy bear wearing a hoody that says "Someone at U of T Loves Me". Good old bookstores...they carry everything. At first I thought the bear was an ugly little thing, but it grows on you after a while so I guess it's not terrible =P. Other than that, I didn't get anyone else anything...not really in the holiday spirit this year...I dunno, maybe it'll grow on me? We'll see, I'm expecting a pretty mellowed out winter break...I kinda need it =P.

On another note, shit...I forgot what I wanted to say...c'mon...c'mon...OH, yes. A couple of days ago Du recommended a manga called "Bartender" to me. As always, I said I'll look at it someday and I guess today was the day. It came a lot faster than most of the other times, but I had a lot of time on my hands today so why not right? It's not bad...I have an idea that the manga is trying to portray some deep life lessons in the story line, but I'm just too damn lazy to try to figure it out. It gives off a pretty chillaxed mood though, that's why I like it. The main character looks so relaxed all the time, it's contagious...I know, I know, it's a cartoon...but don't judge before you read it, I'll bet you get the same feeling too. I looked at the anime for a bit too, but it was way duller than the manga. Gave off the same vibe, but like most manga turn anime (with the exception of Beck), it's a piece of shit. But yea, if you're bored and you wanna take your mind off the world, check it out, it's not bad.

One last thing before I go do something else completely unproductive...I need some new bloody songs...oh yes, speaking of music, Jay Chou's concert was yesterday! He lived right across from my residence and a lot of people saw him walking around downtown, shopping at Eaton Centre. It's pretty cool...pretty much the first time I've ever been so close to a celebrity. I didn't go to the concert though...I had an exam, but I heard it was pretty sick. My friend from Calgary came from London, Ontario to see it and she was living with her friend in Chestnut so she managed to give me some video clips of the concert at the ACC. It's pretty cool. Anyway, not a big deal, but it was something that happened that kept me awake these past couple of days =P. But yes...I digress, I NEED NEW MUSIC! I need some new tunes man...something doesn't feel right anymore...maybe it's because I have only like 30 songs and I keep playing it over and over again, but I still need new music. Just too bloody lazy to get any. If anyone have some good suggestions, please, let me know...music is my life and I think I'm half dying =P. I thank you in advance. Alright, enough of this...until next time...later days =P.

Hawk Eye

As the first semester of my university life come to a close, I'm still trying to cram the seemingly endless textbook into my little brain...finals are almost over. I don't think I learned that much this semester actually...didn't feel like working that much...made a few new friends and stayed awake in most of my classes. The only class I managed to go every class was physics...mainly because of the cool demos that the prof did. I hope that somehow I get my ability to work back...or started...it'll be a really annoying 4 years if I don't. There's not been much going on in my head besides one thing really...I've been talking about it a lot and it seems like I still discover new things with each event.

She left for holidays a few days ago...I didn't want her to go...but just like many things in this world that I want, but can't have, she went on the bus and flew off to the distant country to enjoy the holidays. Before she left, I got her a little gift...it was the first Christmas that I actually wanted to get a gift for someone. I thought about what to give her for many days before I decided that I couldn't think of anything that'll be amazing so I got her something that she wanted for maybe 10 minutes of her life =P. Those damn little things were harder to find than I had expected too...after asking around and walking aimlessly down Queen Street, I managed to find my destination at "Magic Pony"...yea, sounds awesome doesn't it. None the less, I was very happy that I found it. Got her a little card and wrapped the present for her. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I actually wrapped a gift. With the help of youtube, nothing's impossible =). I wanted it to look nice at least hehe. Anyway, I gave it to her before she left and I was happy to see her smile.

After she left, I went home and slept before going to my test...it was snowing that day and as I walked home from my exam, I looked up at the snow just like the little penguin on my card, wondering where she was at that moment...wondering if she was sleeping, or shopping, or just relaxing. As I walked, I thought about the times that I got her little things, to surprise her, to cheer her up, to do whatever...and when I thought about it, it made me a little bit sad. Before, I thought that a couple of big gestures once in a while can mean a lot...then I thought many little things all the time might be better than a few big things...then I came to the conclusion that many big things would probably be better than all of that right? makes sense...except I can't give big things all the time...spending my parents' money wouldn't be very...what's the word...whole hearted I guess. As I thought about this, I realized that I wouldn't be a very good boyfriend at my current state...hell, I'm not even a very good friend. But as of these couple of months, I've been trying to do more...but it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I actually wanted to do more. Whether it was big or small, I'd do anything and everything...of course, putting yourself out there, you would expect to be hurt right? and yea, I've been hurting pretty much every step of the way and it was during that little stroll in the snow that I realized why it hurt so much. It hurt because I knew that no matter how many things I do for her, it wouldn't make her 1/10th as happy as if it was from someone that she liked. It was this realization that made everything click. She always has guys looking out for her, doing things for her and I think that to her, I'm just like every other guy that has come and gone. She's told me that she cares and I believe her as a friend, but as something more, I'm just another guy that's missing something. It's this feeling that hurts so much...it makes me want to give up because sometimes, I just can't take it, but then whenever I see her smile again, a rush of endorphines keep me from giving up...it makes me happy.

For as long as I feel this way, I'll do whatever comes to my mind...this way, I'll have no regrets. Everytime she leaves, it feels like it'll be the last time I'll be able to see her because the first time she left, it was 6 years before I saw her again...I don't want to wait that long ever again while regretting every moment that I didn't do something more while I had the chance. It's scary sometimes, how when I wake up in the morning, I think to myself if she's awake yet and when I go to sleep at night, I wonder if she's in bed too. I hope that this feeling that I have isn't a phase...my roommate often tells me that he's gone through it and it'll be okay...but he doesn't really know everything and I don't think he's had a relationship with anyone for such a long time and still managed to somehow be part of their lives. She means the world to me...and I'd do anything to make her happy...even if it means never being loved back the same way because in the end, her happiness will make me happier than getting what I want.
Secret #44: I miss you...more than I ever imagined.

Everything Flows Nothing Stands

*sigH* another late night...I should be studying for my relativity final tomorrow, but I guess I'm just not in the mood to study these days. Good thing in some senses, not so good in others =P. A lot of things on my mind...don't really know how to put it in words anymore. It'll probably sound stupid written out, but in my mind, it makes sense. I guess let me start with the question, "would you do something for someone if you don't get anything back in return?"

Self sacrifice....some people call it nobility, some people call it stupidity. Some people are scared of it, some people thrive on it. I never really understood it fully. Why would anyone do something if they knew nothing will come of it? Humans ultimately live for survival and if what they're doing has nothing benefiting for their survival, what's the point of doing it? I've always asked myself that...what's the point of doing something, doing anything? is it for self discovery? knowledge? I've always thought there had to be a base purpose for doing something that ultimately made the person doing ANYTHING happy...or at least, void of pain.

Before, everything for me had to be rational. If I was going to put myself out there, if I was going to make myself vulnerable, I had to have reasoning behind it. Whether the reasoning made sense to everyone, that doesn't matter, but at least I knew what I expected before doing anything...I played it safe...to avoid anything that might even slightly grow emotional attachment with me. To this day, I still do many of these things...I find it hard to actually say what I mean...(not including on this blog) and when I do say it, many times I wish I hadn't. The point of the matter is, I think recently, rationality has slowly integrated away from my decision making process...especially when it comes to doing something for someone. Something's making me want to do it despite the consequences...something's making me step out of my comfort zone and do things I'd never though I would do.

How do I know this? the answer is simple...so many of the things that I do now, have become reality where as before, it all played in my head. I'd imagine everything and I'd do everything in my head for someone that I cared about. The saying, "it's the thought that counts."...I find it lacking another part...which is "...if the actions reflect those thoughts." You can be thinking about someone all day. You can imagine endless situations and scenarios that would be perfect, but the point of the matter is that if you don't let them know by demonstrating it with actions, they'll never know and all that wonderful "thought" is just another process of chemical reactions in your brain.

I still don't do anything for anyone...not at all, but to some extent, I do everything I can for someone, but I don't expect anything in return...or rather, I expect nothing in return. I expect to get hurt, I expect that some things work out, but I don't expect the person to do anything that they don't want. Unfortunately for me, what they don't want to do, is what I want them to do. Quite the dilema right? No...not really. For the first time, I'm acting out my thoughts. Everytime I think of something that might make the person a little bit happier, I would do it. Everytime I do it, my heart starts racing like it's going to pop out of my chest because I'm scared. I'm scared that the person won't like it, I'm scared that things won't be as I imagined, I'm scared that all that I'm doing is for nothing, I'm scared of the pain, but I do it regardless because in the end, there is a possibility that the person will like it, there is a possibility that it will go as I imagined and there is a possiblity that a smile will result from all this. To be honest, I don't think I can do this type of thing for many people because it takes its toll on my heart...but for one person...I think I can handle it. Although I do all these things, everytime I remind myself that things might not work out the way I planned and today was the first time that it didn't work the way I planned.

Prior to today, things worked as I imagined...I acted on instinct, did whatever poped into my mind, didn't plan it, didn't think too much about it, just went with it and things worked out. I was really happy that I can provide some sort of joy into the person's life and everytime, it made my day. Although I expected things to not work out eventually at least once or twice, the fact that things didn't work out today made me really sad. I mean, it's not anyone's fault, there was nothing I could do...life isn't fair and I accept that, but the significant part of this is that I felt hurt. Even though I knew I would get hurt going into this, the hurt felt so real when it actually hit me. I was walking home from the unfortunate event and I felt the very thing I was trying to avoid all these years...disappointment from caring so much. I think it's a good thing though...it made me feel kind of alive again, like I do care about something...like there's something worth being hurt about. Even though it hurt, I know that if it did work out, the person would be a little happier and that's all I want from this...because truly it affects me a lot. When the person is sad, I'd be sad. When the person is happy, I'd be happy...

I no longer live in my little world anymore...instead, I'm bringing my little world out so that it can mix with the reality that I now live in. I know I'm going to get hurt, but at the same time, I know I'll be happier than I've ever been before. I expect nothing in return...besides the occassional smile. In life, the lucky few gets what they want in return for what they do. The majority takes and takes and never gives back. Then there are the ones that never gets what they want, but keeps on trying. I don't find myself to be in a bad situation nor do I pity myself. I've accepted the fact that sometimes the love for someone can't be reciprocated, but it's the fact that I feel this way even though I've accepted this that makes me keep on doing these things because I know if I'm still willing to keep on going after getting hurt, it means that what I feel and what I do mean something...perhaps something real =).