The past almost two years have been...a learning experience. Learned how to have fun, learned how to love, how to receive love, learned how to be frustrated, and learned how to, or rather, in the process of learning how to move on.I dragged myself from almost everyone during my relationship...believing that she would be all I needed...and now, sitting infront of the computer at the library, I find myself unable to concentrate on my studies, having a lump in a heart, not knowing who to turn to.
I've talked to many people during this past months...family, new friends, old friends, strangers even...but nothing seems to make that lump go away. Talking to my childhood friend, she told me that as life goes on, the lonelier it gets...it sure has that taste at the moment.
Staring out on the 9th floor towards Lake Ontario makes my mind go at a peace, but after struggling to conjure up someone I can talk to, I found myself reading the last post I made prior to the beginning of year two. Who else would I turn to at this point, other than myself...once again, it seems like I'm stuck and writing seems to be one of the only things I haven't tried, so here I am again...two years later, giving it another shot, hoping that I'll feel better by the end of this post.
I know my family and friends care...they've made me aware of that...when I tell them I need them, they're there for me...but I guess that's the problem. In the past two years, everyone I'm close to found someone special in their lives, moved on with their lives, grown up. I feel like I need someone to be there for me without me asking. I need someone to want to be around me without having an obligation...I need some one's love. This is probably the dependence that I developed over the duration of my relationship, but now that it's gone, I find it harder to be alone than ever. I want to just find someone who I can say everything to, but at the same time say nothing to and it'd be okay.
That person I once found is gone now...shadows linger and memories remain, but I just don't know who to go to. Am I pathetic for desiring that type of attention from one person? Am I sad for not being able to deal the pains of loneliness even though I'm almost 21? There are so many questions I want to ask, but at the same time, there's nothing I want answered.
In the past month, as I dealt with the pain of losing someone, being alone, there's one thing that I long for everyday, but haven't gotten...physical comfort...a Hug.
