
First thing's first...Yesterday was McArthur's birthday, so I wanna say a big "Happy 18th" to my friend. Good guy.
Last couple of weeks have been decently peaceful...I thought everything was going pretty well until a few days ago when I heard his name. It was like a cold hand had slapped me back into reality and I realized that things haven't changed much at all -.-''.
There are these times, like yesterday, where I wanna just go to someone and pour my heart out because it feels so damn frustrating keeping all these things inside, but as I go through each one of my friends that I seem to trust...From Hadi to Du, from Lee to Ahmad, I can't seem to bring myself to do so. With each face that runs through my mind, it just feels as if I've contained myself through my unwillingness to trust. It seems that between each one of these people, there's a barrier of some sort that stops me in my tracks as I approach them. As I walk towards these people, I face these barriers and can't overcome them.
When things like this happened before, I'd always turn to one person that I seem to be able to relate to like no other. One that seem to live my life through her own experiences, but now I can't seem to even have the courage nor the will to approach Fang. It seems that our lives were intertwined, but never connected because of all the physical distance that's been put between us. I don't know if we'll ever be able to see each other again and University seems like it's the last opportunity to do so. I'm pretty sure I will be able to get in UT, but it's the matter of cost that will impact my decision in the end. I have no way of reaching her...No more initiative to approach her because every time I find that comforting feeling when I'm with her, it's taken away from me...Faster than I could ever imagine.
Often I question what I am doing here...Everyday going through the same thing to what purpose? I think living is to find a purpose...Everyone wants a purpose and people obtain those purposes through something or someone they're passionate about...Then they feel they belong...They are meant to be part of this huge world. Recently I have lost all motivation to find my purpose. Unlike Hadi, who has his passion for computers or Lee with her passion for skiing, I realized I don't have a passion for anything. I though music was one of my passions, but I've realized that I can't sing...I guess I've known this all along...My voice is too weak and my vocals are too limited. Badminton, you might say was another passion of mine...What happened to that Jak? Again, I lost motivation to continue...For the past 8 months of my life, I've practiced so hard, but even so, I can't pull through with a win, even in the school intramural, so what are the chances of me placing in the city? I've always had a knack to overcome adversity, but lately, I'm just too tired and too fed up with failure to continue.
School's pointless...When I started High School I wanted to restart my life...Things still didn't turn out my way and now in University, I think to myself that I can do so again...That's why I didn't apply to Calgary...To move away from everyone else, start new...Again. But as I think about it...The more it seems that things will turn out the exact same...I don't see a point of doing anything. Since grade 8, I developed the idea that I'm not afraid of dying...I don't look at dying as a big deal...And that still applies today, but with an addition...I am afraid of being something after dying...I'm afraid that I'll have to "live" in some sort of manner again...Sometimes, it feels all like a dream. When I look around I wonder if suddenly I'll be able to snap out of the dream and come back to reality, but then I realize I am in reality...I think I've trapped myself in a cage...A box...A safe...With no purpose, no motivation and no energy to do anything...So for the first time in many years...God, please help me...I don't know what to do.