Ouch...

I think it's about time to move on...it really does hurt too much...maybe it's because I don't care enough...or maybe it's because I care too much. Really thought I could deal with it though...for at least a while longer. Whatever I choose to do, I'll just lose in the end...so I don't know really what to do. I can either live with a purpose, but deal with the pain or I can live free of the pain (to some extent) but live without a purpose. I guess putting it here seems very obvious isn't it? to have purpose and pain or to not have purpose and have pain...an idiot would choose the one that at least benefits themselves.

*sigH* I really don't think I'm strong enough for this though...especially when I saw him today I realized how complicated things were. I know all these things that I'm not supposed to know and I have no one to tell them to. It's kind of eating me from the inside out, but there's not much I can do. I guess I should appreciate the little bits of happiness that occur every once in a while more. Think about it when I'm not feeling too good about situations...*sigH* what the hell am I doing...is life really worth this amount of thinking...is it really worth all the self battles that I seem to always have with myself? Death would bring peace to my over-emotional self. Or some sort of device that can kill my emotions...that would be good too...because really, what's the point. A person living with an impossible purpose that's not interested in pretty much everything is a person that's already dead. The only difference is that there are sparks of emotion that run through me from time to time. Sometimes, I can feel happiness, but most of the time, I feel blandness and pain.

Life really isn't fair is it? *sigH* whatever, it's no big deal...probably just another down curve to my emotional cycle at the moment. I always seem to say that don't I...seems like everything is okay when nothing's okay. I guess it's okay...what people can't see can't hurt anyone. I think I'll just keep doing whatever comes into my mind...at least it'll occupy me from time time and not think about all these depressing things.

Pain is a feeling that can get a person everytime...it still amazes me how much it hurts...you'd think by now, I'd be used to it right? well, I thought I was used to it...until it happens again and it's like the first time it ever happened...every time. It no longer scares me...just makes me feel like shit...can't expect it because you don't remember what pain feels like. Try it, prick your finger with a needle...try to picture how it feels, and do it again, it won't be the same as you imagined it...it'll be a lot worse...it's always a surprise every time and I'm so familiar with it, I think we've become good friends...it seems to always come to me when I'm feeling like I'm on top of the world, then it hits me and tells me that things aren't really how I imagine it to be. Thank you old friend...I really really do hate you. I need some time to myself...I need to calm myself down and think about things rationally...but then again, can you really rationalize love?