新年实施

今天我朋友问我，“你要是找女朋友，最重要的是什么？” 我想了想然后回答他，“喜欢我就可以了。。”

现在来想，我觉得这是我很长时间里说的一句真心话。

What's going on...

Second post in one day...short but necessary v.v''.

SO CLAMPED UP RIGHT NOW....UGH...half pissed half sad....what the shit's going on with me....I wanna talk to someone! anyone! but I can't...can't find anyone...can't bring myself to...

Feel so alone...so alone...FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK...kinda wanna drink my troubles away...what's going on...I'm tired...so tired...

*sigh..*

*Sigh*

*SIGH*

Hurting...fuck it...I need some serious heart help. I need a psychiatrist...go see a shrink...very big possibility now...damn...I feel messed up right now...although I'm sitting here calmly typing away as my roommate talks away to his girlfriend, a raging battle is going on inside me....please...end soon...it's...ugh..

Ouch...

I think it's about time to move on...it really does hurt too much...maybe it's because I don't care enough...or maybe it's because I care too much. Really thought I could deal with it though...for at least a while longer. Whatever I choose to do, I'll just lose in the end...so I don't know really what to do. I can either live with a purpose, but deal with the pain or I can live free of the pain (to some extent) but live without a purpose. I guess putting it here seems very obvious isn't it? to have purpose and pain or to not have purpose and have pain...an idiot would choose the one that at least benefits themselves.

*sigH* I really don't think I'm strong enough for this though...especially when I saw him today I realized how complicated things were. I know all these things that I'm not supposed to know and I have no one to tell them to. It's kind of eating me from the inside out, but there's not much I can do. I guess I should appreciate the little bits of happiness that occur every once in a while more. Think about it when I'm not feeling too good about situations...*sigH* what the hell am I doing...is life really worth this amount of thinking...is it really worth all the self battles that I seem to always have with myself? Death would bring peace to my over-emotional self. Or some sort of device that can kill my emotions...that would be good too...because really, what's the point. A person living with an impossible purpose that's not interested in pretty much everything is a person that's already dead. The only difference is that there are sparks of emotion that run through me from time to time. Sometimes, I can feel happiness, but most of the time, I feel blandness and pain.

Life really isn't fair is it? *sigH* whatever, it's no big deal...probably just another down curve to my emotional cycle at the moment. I always seem to say that don't I...seems like everything is okay when nothing's okay. I guess it's okay...what people can't see can't hurt anyone. I think I'll just keep doing whatever comes into my mind...at least it'll occupy me from time time and not think about all these depressing things.

Pain is a feeling that can get a person everytime...it still amazes me how much it hurts...you'd think by now, I'd be used to it right? well, I thought I was used to it...until it happens again and it's like the first time it ever happened...every time. It no longer scares me...just makes me feel like shit...can't expect it because you don't remember what pain feels like. Try it, prick your finger with a needle...try to picture how it feels, and do it again, it won't be the same as you imagined it...it'll be a lot worse...it's always a surprise every time and I'm so familiar with it, I think we've become good friends...it seems to always come to me when I'm feeling like I'm on top of the world, then it hits me and tells me that things aren't really how I imagine it to be. Thank you old friend...I really really do hate you. I need some time to myself...I need to calm myself down and think about things rationally...but then again, can you really rationalize love?

Dazed...

It's been a while...winter break was okay...nothing much happened. Saw some friends, played some badminton, watched a movie, hung out with people...pretty much all I wanted to do. I guess the break wasn't all that relaxing because I was worried about my marks the entire time, but meh...I'm back in Toronto now and it's time to start doing work again. I'm going to start working harder in school...maybe actually start doing well...hopefully.

A couple of interesting things happened while I was back. For a while that I was back, I was hoping that I wouldn't bump into some people...the fear of the awkwardness and the aura of hate was enough for me to worry about it and eventually the fear turned into curiosity as to what would actually happen, which turned into memories of what did happen in high school. There were certainly good times and when I began reflecting on it, I kind of missed it. For the first semester, I'd often think of what went on, but I never really had any feelings attached to it...just bland memories, nothing more. I wonder if it'll happen every time that I go back to Calgary...hopefully not. I feel like a little kid...hopefully I can some how put it past me and actually enjoy my time in Calgary next time...but then again, I don't really have much to enjoy...home didn't feel like home...the bedding was familiar, the scent was cozy, but I felt out of place there. Felt like a guest in my own "home". I think next Christmas, I'll go back for a couple of days instead of a couple of weeks. Uncomfortable and undesired feelings regarding everything about that city just comes back the longer I stayed...resentment towards my family...annoyance towards people...I thought things had changed, but I guess it doesn't really change...just the environment so that these things would have a different place in my mind. Overall though the trip back wasn't a complete waste. I got to see some people I wanted to see...McArthur made the trip worth it though...it was like old times when we'd just chill in his truck, driving around not giving a shit about anything...it was fun. Also, it was pleasant seeing Qian again...her bubbliness never changes...it was refreshing from the drama filled past of mine. Her flight was almost at the same time as mine and she was just a couple of gates down from me so I accidentally bumped into her while I was at the airport...didn't plan it, didn't think about it...it was just a nice send off to Toronto.

Of course, with the sending off, there's the receiving...first voice I heard was a refreshing feel and I couldn't have been happier when I saw her as I walked out of the elevator...the smile she had made everything bad go away. I was really excited to see her and I was hoping that my little "transformation" was a nice change for her too...I don't think it was anything big deal to her though =P...it's okay, at least she was happy to see me too =)...I think...and let's keep my conscious that way. She's sick right now though...I wish there was something I could do...when I was walking with her outside today, I felt so helpless...to see someone so weak and fragile isn't a very pleasant thing, but to see someone that you really care about go through it, it's like a strangulation of the heart v.v''. There's only so much I can do though and I did everything I can...I just hope she gets lots of rest and feels better soon. Sometimes I don't do the best thing or even the most important things, but I guess there's nothing I can do about it. I just hope some of the little things I do can help her get through the day.

I feel so tired these days...a little tired of life really. I'm pretty sure it's the lack of human contact at the moment since my roommate isn't back yet. Everything feels so...monotonous. I just sit here, in the empty room, taping away at my keyboard thinking of the impossible as my desires, hopes, slowly dies away. I still question myself every night I go to bed if it's all worth it and I tell myself that giving up would be so much easier...but for some reason, a part of me doesn't want to give in now...it's kind of like I'm on autopilot at the moment...the plane's going pretty slow...pretty steady and from time to time, the clouds disperse and I see the sunshine for a little while keeping me on track towards my destination, where ever that may be. I really want something or someone to drag me out of this montony...tired of it, but I think I need to do most of the work first. Things will be okay...they always turn out to be okay.

Recently, I've been thinking of turning to God for good...it'll probably take away many of my questions regarding life, but somehow I just can't convince myself...I want to know the truth and not just believe in something that's been told to me. The pastor of the church that my parents go to is a really good person. Seems like he is at least. He came over for dinner the night before I left to see me off and I thought it was really kind of him...I went to him once for help...when I was pretty desperate, and even though he tells me the same thing every time, to turn to God, I think the way he says his prayers and the way he presents life that calms me down. I told him that I was interested in psychology and he told me that I shouldn't go into it because it'll be harder for me to believe in God that way...I don't really believe that though...I find it interesting how the human mind works, but that doesn't mean that I can't believe in an ultimate power right? I mean, sure the ideologies clash with each other, but at the same time, it's not fair to disregard one just to prove the other right is it? I think somehow, both needs to be interlinked to find an answer...or at least an answer with truth to it. I'm not sure about many things right now...confused about a lot of things and I really want someone to talk to about these things, but really, there's not many people that shares my views on this. Most people are too determined to prove that their belief is right, whether if it's pure scientific or pure religious...it's hard to find someone with a common ground as me that can discuss all the possibilities. Most of the time, when I try to talk to someone about this...it'll just turn into them lecturing me about their belief, which is interesting to some extent, but at the same time, it doesn't help me with my search for a connection. See the internal struggles that I have to deal with? *sigH* so troublesome =P.

I'm becoming more and more convinced that maybe engineering isn't what I really want to do...I really much perfer a more theoretical approach to things...but since I'm already in this shit, let's pull through...I'm stubborn like that xD.

Alright...I think that's about it for now...don't really know what direction I'm going towards at the moment, but at least there's someone I can see beside me from time to time. She's been an amazing friend and I'd like to say...thank you. Hopefully, the next time I post, something will snap me out of this daze I'm in...surrounded by fog and uncertainty.
Secret #45: I'll always be there for you. No matter what happens, I'll do my best...I hope you can understand, I'm not perfect...