Dazed...

It's been a while...winter break was okay...nothing much happened. Saw some friends, played some badminton, watched a movie, hung out with people...pretty much all I wanted to do. I guess the break wasn't all that relaxing because I was worried about my marks the entire time, but meh...I'm back in Toronto now and it's time to start doing work again. I'm going to start working harder in school...maybe actually start doing well...hopefully.

A couple of interesting things happened while I was back. For a while that I was back, I was hoping that I wouldn't bump into some people...the fear of the awkwardness and the aura of hate was enough for me to worry about it and eventually the fear turned into curiosity as to what would actually happen, which turned into memories of what did happen in high school. There were certainly good times and when I began reflecting on it, I kind of missed it. For the first semester, I'd often think of what went on, but I never really had any feelings attached to it...just bland memories, nothing more. I wonder if it'll happen every time that I go back to Calgary...hopefully not. I feel like a little kid...hopefully I can some how put it past me and actually enjoy my time in Calgary next time...but then again, I don't really have much to enjoy...home didn't feel like home...the bedding was familiar, the scent was cozy, but I felt out of place there. Felt like a guest in my own "home". I think next Christmas, I'll go back for a couple of days instead of a couple of weeks. Uncomfortable and undesired feelings regarding everything about that city just comes back the longer I stayed...resentment towards my family...annoyance towards people...I thought things had changed, but I guess it doesn't really change...just the environment so that these things would have a different place in my mind. Overall though the trip back wasn't a complete waste. I got to see some people I wanted to see...McArthur made the trip worth it though...it was like old times when we'd just chill in his truck, driving around not giving a shit about anything...it was fun. Also, it was pleasant seeing Qian again...her bubbliness never changes...it was refreshing from the drama filled past of mine. Her flight was almost at the same time as mine and she was just a couple of gates down from me so I accidentally bumped into her while I was at the airport...didn't plan it, didn't think about it...it was just a nice send off to Toronto.

Of course, with the sending off, there's the receiving...first voice I heard was a refreshing feel and I couldn't have been happier when I saw her as I walked out of the elevator...the smile she had made everything bad go away. I was really excited to see her and I was hoping that my little "transformation" was a nice change for her too...I don't think it was anything big deal to her though =P...it's okay, at least she was happy to see me too =)...I think...and let's keep my conscious that way. She's sick right now though...I wish there was something I could do...when I was walking with her outside today, I felt so helpless...to see someone so weak and fragile isn't a very pleasant thing, but to see someone that you really care about go through it, it's like a strangulation of the heart v.v''. There's only so much I can do though and I did everything I can...I just hope she gets lots of rest and feels better soon. Sometimes I don't do the best thing or even the most important things, but I guess there's nothing I can do about it. I just hope some of the little things I do can help her get through the day.

I feel so tired these days...a little tired of life really. I'm pretty sure it's the lack of human contact at the moment since my roommate isn't back yet. Everything feels so...monotonous. I just sit here, in the empty room, taping away at my keyboard thinking of the impossible as my desires, hopes, slowly dies away. I still question myself every night I go to bed if it's all worth it and I tell myself that giving up would be so much easier...but for some reason, a part of me doesn't want to give in now...it's kind of like I'm on autopilot at the moment...the plane's going pretty slow...pretty steady and from time to time, the clouds disperse and I see the sunshine for a little while keeping me on track towards my destination, where ever that may be. I really want something or someone to drag me out of this montony...tired of it, but I think I need to do most of the work first. Things will be okay...they always turn out to be okay.

Recently, I've been thinking of turning to God for good...it'll probably take away many of my questions regarding life, but somehow I just can't convince myself...I want to know the truth and not just believe in something that's been told to me. The pastor of the church that my parents go to is a really good person. Seems like he is at least. He came over for dinner the night before I left to see me off and I thought it was really kind of him...I went to him once for help...when I was pretty desperate, and even though he tells me the same thing every time, to turn to God, I think the way he says his prayers and the way he presents life that calms me down. I told him that I was interested in psychology and he told me that I shouldn't go into it because it'll be harder for me to believe in God that way...I don't really believe that though...I find it interesting how the human mind works, but that doesn't mean that I can't believe in an ultimate power right? I mean, sure the ideologies clash with each other, but at the same time, it's not fair to disregard one just to prove the other right is it? I think somehow, both needs to be interlinked to find an answer...or at least an answer with truth to it. I'm not sure about many things right now...confused about a lot of things and I really want someone to talk to about these things, but really, there's not many people that shares my views on this. Most people are too determined to prove that their belief is right, whether if it's pure scientific or pure religious...it's hard to find someone with a common ground as me that can discuss all the possibilities. Most of the time, when I try to talk to someone about this...it'll just turn into them lecturing me about their belief, which is interesting to some extent, but at the same time, it doesn't help me with my search for a connection. See the internal struggles that I have to deal with? *sigH* so troublesome =P.

I'm becoming more and more convinced that maybe engineering isn't what I really want to do...I really much perfer a more theoretical approach to things...but since I'm already in this shit, let's pull through...I'm stubborn like that xD.

Alright...I think that's about it for now...don't really know what direction I'm going towards at the moment, but at least there's someone I can see beside me from time to time. She's been an amazing friend and I'd like to say...thank you. Hopefully, the next time I post, something will snap me out of this daze I'm in...surrounded by fog and uncertainty.
Secret #45: I'll always be there for you. No matter what happens, I'll do my best...I hope you can understand, I'm not perfect...