Retracing My Steps

After a month of a lot of self re-evaluation, guitar playing and epic school failure, I'm back to posting again. There a lot of things that I've reconstructed for myself during the past month and I hope that I'll be able to carry it out.

I looked back at the way I was in elementary, Jr.high and high school and as I moved on up this ladder of education, I found myself becoming more and more self-pitying, self-conscious and overall having a grim outlook in life. After a lot of self confronting, I think it's time to not be so uptight on the way life is and perhaps just let it play out while setting some priorities so that I can be part of life along with my own beliefs. Although this sounds all fine and dandy, it's definitely not the easiest thing to do. To change yourself, your personality, is difficult to say the least, but I want to become who I really am inside, instead of always questioning my actions based on what others say or what society says.

School is definitely on the top of my list right now...although it's still so hard to find that extra effort to push myself to do some studying, I am doing better than I was before. These things will take time and patience is something I've been getting better at too. I know I'll never be the best in school or the smartest amongst my friends, but I can't be disappointed if I'm improving from what I'm getting.

Temptation and desire is something that's always troubled me. It's still proving to be a very difficult thing for me to avoid. What would you do if there's something that you want that you can't get? it's like that new bike in the window display that you walk past every time coming home from school, wishing one day, it'll be you that's sitting on it, riding it all over town. Would you forcibly take it? do nothing and hope that someday someone will give it to you as a present? or work hard, never giving up, until one day, maybe you'll be able to have enough money AND (here's the catch) the bike is still available. Of course, most people would answer the last...it has the most "taste" to it, it's what people like to do, to prove themselves. But in reality, how many people would work for something that may or may not be an illusion? temptation and desire can only disappear when the object of desire is actually obtained either through force, work or wishing...and everyone knows, wishing never works. So what would you do? get what you want by force right now? or work for 20 years for something that's so fuzzy, it's like looking at something 10 miles away in a blizzard storm? obviously, I will never use force, I'm not that type of person so I decide to work for it based on my own morals and beliefs. You might at this point ask yourself, what's the problem Jak? you seem to have it figured out...well you see, the dilemma is...although I say I'm going to work for it, temptation still has me in its little arms, putting what I want right in front of my eyes so I'd be able to get it if I just grab for it. I'm still human and it's something hard to fight, so what can I do?

Look away from it, forget about it, put the thought of it at the back of my head until the day I'm actually ready.

Sometimes it still creeps up in my head and situations makes it so tempting it feels like I'm so close, but before long, it hits me how far it really is and through reflection, I am able to calm myself down and put it away again. How am I able to do this? for me, self discipline is the key.

Self discipline is also something that's bothering me. I often find no motivation to get up in the morning, but with practice, I force myself out of bed and force myself to do something productive. With practice, I force myself to not think about anything and set solid schedules and priorities for me to be distracted from those temptations and desires. How many people in this world can look at a gourmet meal on one side, and a plate of salad on the other, and choose the plate of salad just because they tell themselves to? there's no logical reason for their actions...both meals are free, both are healthy, they don't want to lose weight, but just because they tell themselves to choose one, they do it? how many people can go to school in the morning at 9am and spend every moment of it until 9pm either studying, or going to lectures (without a test coming up)? not many people can and maybe not many people need to, but there are always those few that can and because they can, they succeed. Again, it's difficult to build discipline and it takes a very long time, but I believe I can do it. Because I tell myself that I have to.

Starting off small and working myself up...that's the only way.

Lastly, I have trouble saying "no". Especially to those whose opinion matter a lot to me. I haven't found a right way to tackle this yet, but part of having a tight schedule is to avoid these situations. I remember how much I didn't care what others thought when I was younger, but now it feels like I've taking so many steps back, it feels like I'm pressured from everywhere. I need to regain that mind set, but this time...I need to do it the right way.

I won't be posting very frequently anymore as I don't have much time and I don't really think about much that I want to be posting. I think before, this blog was my way of reaching out to those that I cared about, a place where I can complain and not be ridiculed for it, but now I have really very little to complain about and I no longer have the desire to let those close to me know what I think of them indirectly.

Things seem different now. I'm starting off clean again. This time, I want to become who I'm really meant to be, at the same time, following my beliefs and morals.
Secret #46: This is the last secret...it's been fun.