Empty

Alright...I wanted to post something yesterday, but just as I went on my blog, my internet screws over and decides that it's not gonna work although the connection says "Excellent". Sure, whatever...I was in the mood to blog, but I was actually more in the mood to sleep because I was dead tired =). Anyway, I'm here now, blabbing away again...Enjoy.

First thing's first: Badminton City Finals!!! Yea, today was the day. First match that we played, which decided whether or not we'd play in the gold/silver round was the most intense match I've ever had. The score ended 11-21, 28-26, 22-20, with us taking the match 2-1. How awesome is that! I'm so stoked. It was amazing, although I didn't really pull off amazing shit, it was fun as hell. The other team were good sports too and enjoyed the match thoroughly. We went on to the gold/silver match with only 5 minutes of rest because our first match took so freaking long. It was alright though...Although I was pretty tired, I managed to get my spirits up and took my partner (I'm not going to use her last name because it's so freaking long and I don't know how to spell it) into the game. It was against Diefenbaker...Our rivals, grudge matches all throughout the seniors doubles side. The first game, I guess adrenalin was doing its job and we took the game 21-17 and even through the second game we were doing really well until the last few minutes when my cold finally hit me like a brick. We lost that game 18-21...It hurt pretty bad because we were so close...But on came the third game...It was really close all the way through until 11-11...When my legs shut down on me and we kept on hitting it out...They took that last game 13-21. We lost in the gold/silver match 1-2 and ended up second place with a silver medal. It was pretty heart wrenching in the end, but I did my very best and my partner did as well. We had so much fun and to be honest, that's all that really matters...Having that silver medal around my neck doesn't hurt either =). I truly feel that this cold brought my game down a bit though and if I was playing without sickness, we could have ended that match, coming out on top. It's okay though, I'm pretty proud of myself for doing as well as I did, trying as hard as I did and I'm super thankful for Piao and Hong who came to watch us play. It was a huge support and they made it that much more fun...I wanted some more people to come, but I guess you can't ask for too much at a time hey? That's okay...It was better than last year when no one was there...Haha, but that's all in the past...No worries.

So I'm still sick...After my stomach flu got better, I ended up catching the flu. It's extremely annoying...And I lost my voice...I sounded like a dying horse when I went to play badminton today, but surprisingly, coming out, I sounded a little better. Voice still cracks like a prepubescent boy, but that's okay, it reminds me of the good days back in Vancouver xP. Speaking of which...Plane tickets are set!!! Leaving this hellhole at 8:00AM on May 18th and coming back *sniff* at 11:30PM on Monday, May 26th. W0ooot XD. Sorry for the slight distraction...Just a tad excited. Anyway, I haven't done much homework or study at all lately because of all the badminton and being sick...OH YEA!! I want to congratulate Hirata and Hong for getting gold in Cities and making it to Zones! They deserved every bit of it. Played their hearts out and did an awesome job. Super proud of Hirata who overcame her insecurities and played confident. She's a good girl, best of luck to both of them in Zones! Okay...Damnit, I'm really bad with these distractions today. Okay, where was I...Oh yes, whining about me being sick...Yea, I'm sick and it's a bitch...Hopefully it'll go away soon so I can get down to some hardcore studying for my IB exams...My U.T. entrance depends on it!

Okay...Now, I should talk about the title of my blog...Empty. That's how I feel right now...I was actually talking to Piao about it a little bit yesterday and he said it's just another form of insecurity...I guess it could be true, but the feeling sucks...Everyday, I go to school, it just feels like a giant zone of uncomfortableness...I see, that's not a word...But that's how I feel and it sucks. It's like I want to talk to some people, but at the same time I don't...So I just have all these things choked up in the middle...And in the end, I always seem to decide to just swallow it and move on...Every time by the end of French class, I feel like I wanna die because the air of uncomfortableness just engulfs me...*SigH* Also, I feel like staying in my covers all the time...There's no one that I can really talk to anything about anymore...That's here anyway...Everyone seems to have their own confidant and I kinda just float around...I really didn't mind it before, but now...Just recently...This feeling of emptiness and loneliness is really starting to bug the shit out of me. I really want to see Fang...Talk to her in person...Every time I think I'm in trouble I turn to her...But now that her residence at 89 Chestnut isn't a guarantee anymore...It feels so unnerving. Also, there's the possibility that when we actually see each other, everything between us won't be the way that I imagined it to be...Which also scares the living hell out of me...What then? Who will I turn to? I don't know...It seems all of a sudden, I'm so dependent on other people...I don't understand it...I think I just want to be important to someone you know? Be someone that a person can turn to and yell at with the comfort of knowing I'll still be there the next time they need someone. At the same time, I want there to be someone I can be comfortable around too...Go to them and take out all my frustrations, but know that they won't walk away. In the midst of all this...I want it to be comfortable and natural...Why is that so hard to find...I guess I'm just impatient huh? If I just wait things out...I'll be able to to find someone like that one day...I guess the key phrase there is "one day". Ah well...School's almost over...I think I'll be more at peace when that happens...At least I'll be able to move away from that zone of uncomfortableness...xP. Right now...The only thing that's keeping my head above the water is that trip to Vancouver. Really looking forward to it...Come quicker please!

I'm pretty sure I'm not going to the graduation banquet now...Pretty much 80/20 in favor of not going...I find it so pointless...Knowing myself, I'll probably be stupid and bring everyone down on a very important day of their lives. I don't wanna ruin it for them and I don't wanna ruin it for myself...In the end, "it's just another Friday. The day after will still be a Saturday." Gah...My mind's beginning to wander and I think I should finish this post off with uploading a couple of songs...First one is "1000 Words"...It's from Final Fantasy XII, but it's sang by Du. I hope she doesn't mind me putting it up...Actually I'm pretty sure she'll kill me, but I think she's really talented and the quality of this song is amazing. It was really well done and I wanna put it up...But if you really want me to take it down...REALLY want me to...Just let me know. I also want to put up a song by VAE. It's called..."Chen Shi Mei". Really, I don't like the guy's voice and I really don't know what the lyrics are about, but I find the music extremely nice. I've been listening to a bunch of his songs while lying on my bed just staring at the ceiling. They're very calming and it makes you feel good. Check out some of his songs if you want. I say if you're very stressed, upset or tired, listen to some of his music...It feels like everything just floats away. Just try to ignore his voice...Not many people seem to be a fan of it xP, but if you like it, that's a bonus, haha. Alright, time to go finish my portfolio. Stupid thing...Hope the person that made the decision that we need a portfolio gets a flu and loses their voice for a week *nod nod*. That's a good punishment right? Haha...Until next time...Later days =P.

Keep on Chugging Along

Okay, so I've been wanting to post for a while now, but due to recent setbacks, I had to wait until today...Now...And even now, I feel like I'm going to pass out any moment, so let me try to put together something within the span of an hour and then pass out...See...Right now, I feel like writing down a bunch of shit all at once and just get it done and over with, but with my anal retentiveness, I must do this in chronological order. It'll be much easier on my brain this way.

So let's start with last Friday...Hmm, yes, I took Ahmad out for lunch. I really didn't have an idea of where to go because well...I'm restaurant deficient, but I knew things will turn out okay, and they did. We ended up going to Bistro (which was awesome, if you haven't been there, you must go and stuff your face with foodly goodness). It was a nice afternoon out and that's about it...I haven't really had a "talk" with her for a while and I thought it might have happened that day, but I guess what happened is for the best. Casual talk, casual hanging out...It was...Pleasant. So Friday ended with badminton and a nice talk with Hadi. Got some things sorted out and the tension that I felt before pretty much lifted. I am a little worried about him though...But on the other hand, I trust him and I'm sure he'll figure a way to get past this obstacle. I wish him best of luck at that. It's hard to imagine that we've known each other for 5 years already. It doesn't seem that long really...Seems like yesterday when we were hunched over the computers in the computer lab at lunch time playing that caveman driving game...I'm sorry, but I can't remember the name to save my life. Life was simpler back then...School really wasn't an issue and responsibility was pretty minimal. 5 years later, University's coming up...Still don't know where Hadi's going. I think Waterloo would be a great place for him to be simply because he has a lot of talent in computers and where does Microsoft look first when searching for bright young minds? Waterloo. But the selfish part of me wants him to come to UT with me...It'll be nice having a friend that I've known for so many years around...Ah well, the decision's ultimately up to him. Whatever he decides, it'll take him a step closer to his dream.

Anyway, so Friday rolled along to Saturday and with Saturday comes work. Work was a pain in the ass if I remember correctly...Some ridiculous Indian couple came in and by the time they left, it was like a hurricane had passed through my store. I was slightly agitated and extremely tired...Then by the end of the day, I had to wait at the C-train station for about 40 minutes before my parents realized that work ended at 8 instead of 9 that day -.-''. It was actually quite scary...I called my parents like a million times before I gave in. Imagine this: Saturday night, no idea where your parents are, no contact with them, no way of getting home because the buses stopped and no where to go. I even went as far as to plan, in my head, of what I should do if they got in an accident of some sort. It was bad...So I sat on the C-train platform not knowing what to do for 40 minutes, watching the trains pass by. When they finally picked me up...It was like they didn't care at all...Not mentioning it and pretending as if nothing had happened. It made me a little sad and angry at the same time, but what can you do? They're human beings...Mistakes are allowed...But if they do this again I might just shit a brick.

Sunday was a good day out with friends. Piao, Du and I first met at my house where Du and I studied while Piao played the piano (horribly might I add, but he's better than me so =D). After that, we went out to downtown because Du had her violin lesson for about half an hour. While she was showing off her brilliantness with music and all that jazz, Piao took me to a hair place and I got my hair cut. I must say, it was quite the experience...For the first time in a long time, I came out with a satisfied feeling about my hair. I think people are taking a liking into it too...It's pretty different...Very different from my old style, but it's interesting...I can't wait until it grows out some more and the lady can fix it up to the way I originally wanted it. Yay. We went shopping for clothes afterwards...It was good because I really needed some clothes...Surprisingly, it was pretty fun. No pressure, no rush, just hanging out and trying on some things that we liked. Each of us bought something in the end and I must say...Du's taste in clothing is pretty good. (This means that I'm going to drag her along next time I go shopping for a coat and some pants). Yea...Anyway, the day out kinda ended with ice cream and smoothies. It was nice...They came over for a bit afterwards too...In the end, I drove Du home...Mind, we had to wait forever for my mother to come back with the car, but I got her safely home by the end of the day and that's all that matters. Yes, my driving skills is amazing. It was a nice drive...Although I wanted to take as much time as possible to get her home because I enjoy these moments with my friends, I was in a hurry. Partially because it was late...Partially because I felt guilty as hell when Yang called and hung up on her...And partially because I thought I was gonna pass out anytime and I wanted her out of the car before that happened. Yea...I felt pretty sick all day and it got worse as the day went on...I didn't want to ruin the day for everyone so I kinda sucked it up and tried to enjoy it as much as possible. Overall it was a pretty amazing day...Those two are really good friends. I can be so natural around them it's amazing. I wish I could spend all my free time with them because we share so much in common and our values and beliefs are pretty similar too...Whether it's laughing together, moping together, it seems so...Effortless...Good stuff.

Yesterday was completely shitty...I felt like crap all day long...Kinda plopped on to bed as soon as I could and pass out...I had to work...Basically sat there feeling like shit, but knowing I had a job to do. Fortunately, I didn't die and the day ended. When I was going to work, Piao was with me and his friend Cui was also at the train station. She ran up to him and gave him a hug. The look in her eyes...The way that she smiled and her eyes lit up, it was so sincere. I realized that, that's all I really want...Is for someone to see me and their day would brighten up. It's hard to place like that in someone's heart. Hopefully there'll be someone out there that feels that way about me...Someday I'll be in Piao's place, receiving the full hearted hug.

So I'm getting shit tired and I should probably finish this post off...Damn it, I realized that I wanted to post some songs...Next time...Next time for sure! Moving on...It wasn't until today that I found out I have the stomach flu and just when Badminton Divisional is...Tomorrow! That's okay...If Pete Sampras can win Wimbledon with a stomach flu, I can play Divisional with one. I believe! I talked to my partner today and I think it'll be good tomorrow. She seems like she's ready to play again and is excited to...That's all that I really wanted. Okay...I'm tired...Must rest up for tomorrow...For some reason I feel like I have more to say, but until...WAIT...

So I had a dream last night...I dreamed I was texting people...Which I never do and Fang texted me! I was extremely surprised and happy. I don't really remember what it was about, but I woke up thinking it actually happened...I checked my phone and hit myself on the head xP. I think this is partially because I got the residence offer to 89 Chestnut yesterday...I was really happy...Can't wait until May 17th...Can't wait! Okay...On THAT note...*Falls asleep*
Secret #24: Maybe in another lifetime, I can tell you all I feel...

Patience

So April's been going by...May will be coming up and so will the IB exams...I hope I do well on them. I'm going to actually study hard for it because my admission depends on it. As much as I'd like to say "fuck you" to IB, in the end, it did help me get into the university that I wanted to go in, so I can't help but smile when the little grade 10s are saying, "Full IB isn't that hard..." Reminds me of how misleading grade 10 was compared to the actual course load that IB puts on you, but all is well...It'll give them what they want in the future. I'm sure of it.

Moving on, this past week has been pretty...Stupid. I feel more alone than ever. Started off by talking to Lee about grad...Turns out I guess, that, I won't be going with her. It's fair...I respect her decision and just gotta move past it. I thought I was pretty okay with it, but as the days dragged on, it was and still is pretty saddening for me. Kinda hit me slowly, but hard none the less. It's okay though, I probably won't go to the banquet for graduation anyway...Before it was about 50/50 for me, but now it's leaning towards the 70/30 range of not going. Although McArthur and G-H are pretty determined on getting me to go, I feel no point. I dunno who to sit with...I dunno who to talk with...So I'll probably leave the banquet feeling more like a loser than I went in. Paying 60 dollars to feel like a loser doesn't sound very appealing to me...Does it for you? Yea, I dunno...Don't really feel like going now...Maybe things will change as it gets closer to it.

On Tuesday, I went to play a badminton tournament with my badminton partner. To me, it was a complete disappointment. First we only played 3 games and we lost 1 out of the 3. I usually don't mind losing, but this time was pathetic because just a couple of weeks back, we beat the same team 21-7...We completely dominated and yet during this tournament, we were completely shit. We lacked communication, lacked passion and most of all, lacked the ability to have fun while playing. Every time I play with her, it feels like a chore, which sucks. Every game that we played that night was more difficult than it should have been. The teams were not all that great and I'm sure we could have done better against them last year. There's no spark between me and my badminton partner anymore. It feels like she doesn't want to play and I truthfully don't want to play with someone who's in the team because the coach asked them to. It's pretty upsetting and yesterday, Hirata lectured me about me not being a good partner. She's frustrated about the teamwork between me and my badminton partner...Well fuck, I'm the one playing, don't you think I'm a little more disappointed than you? I've been working my ass off for the past year and this is what things have come to. I wanted to win a medal in city's, but doesn't look like it's going to happen based on the way we're playing right now. It's a frustrating topic, but meh, I'll just go through it...It doesn't really matter anymore...Just play my best when we're out there and hopefully we'll do decent.

Anyway, after the tournament, I took Du home and we talked on the way...As I was talking to her on the C-Train, tears started flowing down my face...To be honest, I don't really know why...I think a part of me felt sorry for myself because she has someone that she can go to when she's in trouble...Her boyfriend. Then I thought about all the close friends that I have and I can't picture myself being that important to anyone. Feels like they all have someone else to go to, or someone else that they feel more comfortable with. The sensation of being lonely hit me like a brick and I guess that irritated my tear glands too. But those few tears made me feel a little better...It was nice talking to Du though...Got some things in perspective and realized that I'm in too much of a rush. Like she said, I probably don't know what liking someone really means...I should be patient and wait for the right time...Or person comes along. She told me that I should be more selfish, but it's really hard...I don't really know what I want so how can I be selfish about anything? It was a good couple hours of my week though...She's a good friend. It also helped me come to some conclusions...It's time to move on...Friendship is the important part...Nothing else.

Yea...It's just been a pretty bad week...I also seem to be getting a lot more irritable recently...It could just be the work load...I probably just need to take some deep breaths and carry on with things moment by moment. Still can't get rid of this heavy feeling that's always in my chest...I dunno what it is...But it's very uncomfortable. Hopefully better times will come soon...Oh yea! I almost forgot...It was Ahmad's birthday yesterday...Just wanted to say a Happy 18th to her and hope that many great years will come for her....That'll be all for today...Must finish a shit load of work...Probably after I pass out for a couple of hours...Until next time...Later days =P.

April Showers

It's midnight...I should be in bed now...I actually was planning on going to bed, but I decided to glance through my daily blogs and again, no one posted. I felt like posting for a second and here I am. I was sitting in the car from work today and it was raining pretty hard. It felt pretty relaxing...I think it was the first hard rainfall in a while...Felt good, wish I was driving by myself though, that would have been better, but I was...I guess still am dead tired and didn't wanna drive. Last night, I was driving though. After dropping off Lee, I drove home and it was snowing. I thought it meant that more snow was underway, but this rainfall looks like a transition from winter to spring. It felt good driving in the snow though...I wasn't paying much attention and the bus in front of me went into an emergency stop...In the middle of freaking Deerfoot! Dumbass bus driver. I thought of being patient and not passing the bus before we got on the highway and when we hit it, it stops right in front of me. A little dangerous much? Yea, I swore a couple of times and pulled myself back onto the highway, it wasn't too bad. And then I blanked out some more until I got home when I drove right pass my house even though I pressed the garage door -.-''. What the hell was I thinking about hey? Gebus, I'ma die one day because of my idiocy.

Ng was talking to me about grad today...It bugged the shit outta me because he knew how to push my buttons...I don't even know why it felt so weird. He asked me if I was asking Lee to grad...I didn't really answer him. Then he said that I probably did something like, "go with her only if she didn't have anyone else to go with"..."To make it less awkward." And I guess a part of me did feel that and the fact that he pointed it out, made me feel so stupid. I know I shouldn't let it bug me because I wanted to. I have to admit, I thought it might be weird and awkward if I asked her, but that's because of all the history that's there. I've actually been thinking about asking her to grad since sometime last year. I just want to because she was my first relationship. We've been through hell and back together. Capping it off with the high school graduation would be a nice way of summing everything up. I guess in some ways, she has been my "high school sweetheart"...At least that's what I think. I was pretty stoked when she agreed to go with me though...I did think she would probably go with someone else...Haha, I actually got a little impatient because I didn't want anyone else to ask her before I did...Yea a little selfish of me, but what can you do...It'll be fun, hopefully it'll be as memorable as it is for me as it will be for you.

On the other hand, I'm leaving for Toronto in a few months. Got accepted and accepted the offer. I'm really excited yet kinda sad...There are a few things I'll miss about Calgary, but there'll be someone to look forward to being with in Toronto. It's pretty exciting for me to think about it...I mean it's been so long, it's kind of like a dream. I'm hoping everyday that I'll get in the same residency as her so we'll be able to spend some time together because since we're not in the same faculty, and university will be really busy, it'll be a lot easier to find time to hang out if we were in the same residence. So I'm basically going with what she wants xP. I don't really mind where I live, so any place she chooses will be a good one. Hadi might also come to Toronto...Nourian too...It'll be pretty cool if they did. Won't be too lonely in the big city of Toronto. Although many things will change in University...

Okay, I'm getting really tired and my thoughts are becoming very unorganized...I'm going to go to bed because I'm dying here. I'll post some more tomorrow about 1 - My shitty ass day at work, 2 - My shitty ass attitude towards badminton and 3 - My confrontations with a couple of girls -.-''. *sigH* Why is it that the girls I like don't like me back, and the girls that I don't like, like me?? I feel bad...And then people like Du call me a heart breaker...Which is not true! I don't screw with people's emotions! Anyway, *Passes out*
Secret #23: Do I love you? Yes I do...