Patience

So April's been going by...May will be coming up and so will the IB exams...I hope I do well on them. I'm going to actually study hard for it because my admission depends on it. As much as I'd like to say "fuck you" to IB, in the end, it did help me get into the university that I wanted to go in, so I can't help but smile when the little grade 10s are saying, "Full IB isn't that hard..." Reminds me of how misleading grade 10 was compared to the actual course load that IB puts on you, but all is well...It'll give them what they want in the future. I'm sure of it.

Moving on, this past week has been pretty...Stupid. I feel more alone than ever. Started off by talking to Lee about grad...Turns out I guess, that, I won't be going with her. It's fair...I respect her decision and just gotta move past it. I thought I was pretty okay with it, but as the days dragged on, it was and still is pretty saddening for me. Kinda hit me slowly, but hard none the less. It's okay though, I probably won't go to the banquet for graduation anyway...Before it was about 50/50 for me, but now it's leaning towards the 70/30 range of not going. Although McArthur and G-H are pretty determined on getting me to go, I feel no point. I dunno who to sit with...I dunno who to talk with...So I'll probably leave the banquet feeling more like a loser than I went in. Paying 60 dollars to feel like a loser doesn't sound very appealing to me...Does it for you? Yea, I dunno...Don't really feel like going now...Maybe things will change as it gets closer to it.

On Tuesday, I went to play a badminton tournament with my badminton partner. To me, it was a complete disappointment. First we only played 3 games and we lost 1 out of the 3. I usually don't mind losing, but this time was pathetic because just a couple of weeks back, we beat the same team 21-7...We completely dominated and yet during this tournament, we were completely shit. We lacked communication, lacked passion and most of all, lacked the ability to have fun while playing. Every time I play with her, it feels like a chore, which sucks. Every game that we played that night was more difficult than it should have been. The teams were not all that great and I'm sure we could have done better against them last year. There's no spark between me and my badminton partner anymore. It feels like she doesn't want to play and I truthfully don't want to play with someone who's in the team because the coach asked them to. It's pretty upsetting and yesterday, Hirata lectured me about me not being a good partner. She's frustrated about the teamwork between me and my badminton partner...Well fuck, I'm the one playing, don't you think I'm a little more disappointed than you? I've been working my ass off for the past year and this is what things have come to. I wanted to win a medal in city's, but doesn't look like it's going to happen based on the way we're playing right now. It's a frustrating topic, but meh, I'll just go through it...It doesn't really matter anymore...Just play my best when we're out there and hopefully we'll do decent.

Anyway, after the tournament, I took Du home and we talked on the way...As I was talking to her on the C-Train, tears started flowing down my face...To be honest, I don't really know why...I think a part of me felt sorry for myself because she has someone that she can go to when she's in trouble...Her boyfriend. Then I thought about all the close friends that I have and I can't picture myself being that important to anyone. Feels like they all have someone else to go to, or someone else that they feel more comfortable with. The sensation of being lonely hit me like a brick and I guess that irritated my tear glands too. But those few tears made me feel a little better...It was nice talking to Du though...Got some things in perspective and realized that I'm in too much of a rush. Like she said, I probably don't know what liking someone really means...I should be patient and wait for the right time...Or person comes along. She told me that I should be more selfish, but it's really hard...I don't really know what I want so how can I be selfish about anything? It was a good couple hours of my week though...She's a good friend. It also helped me come to some conclusions...It's time to move on...Friendship is the important part...Nothing else.

Yea...It's just been a pretty bad week...I also seem to be getting a lot more irritable recently...It could just be the work load...I probably just need to take some deep breaths and carry on with things moment by moment. Still can't get rid of this heavy feeling that's always in my chest...I dunno what it is...But it's very uncomfortable. Hopefully better times will come soon...Oh yea! I almost forgot...It was Ahmad's birthday yesterday...Just wanted to say a Happy 18th to her and hope that many great years will come for her....That'll be all for today...Must finish a shit load of work...Probably after I pass out for a couple of hours...Until next time...Later days =P.