I was BRBing Guys

"Back. Sorry, I had to do something."

There that explains my absence for the past however many months =]. But you know everything aside, life's been treating me pretty good these past four or five months. I think things started going up hill...the minute when I bought my guitar. Well, there was also the crying to the rental units, the talking to the "doctor of the heart", and the whole reconsideration of life deal, but all in all, I think the guitar was the big one =P.

School ended a while ago and it's about to start again...this time, I'm really gonna try to pwn some academic ass...you know, long nights at the library, intense conversations with the professors, etc...okay, who am I kidding, I won't last a month if I do that, but I'll definitely do my best this year. I've moved out, sorted out my priorities and most of all, I have my own room! so that means...no more opening the door when I don't want to...no more late night staying up because a phone conversation is going on until five in the morning...I will say no more =P. But yes, school will be my top priority from now on. I think I can really do it...really make a difference if I'm able to take advantage of the opportunity that's been staring at me in the face like...Mona Lisa...bad reference, but you get the point.

Don't worry guys, this doesn't mean I'm going to be a hermit and lock myself out from the rest of the world...okay...maybe a little bit, but friends and family are not far from the top of my priority list. I have found that these two things are very important in my life...yes, I have learned to appreciate the care and love that my family and friends bring to me...they really do care and I really can turn to them when I need some help. I have determined that maybe being a little bit dependent on people really isn't a bad thing...I mean, there are so many of those in the world...might as well make use of the resources right? =P. So even though I'm going to concentrate on school a lot now, I'm still gonna try to get some hang time with my buddies and party it up once in a while...damn I really hate drinking alcohol though...but I'm sure things can still be amazingly entertaining when I'm not pissed out of my mind...seeing other people do stupid things can be so much more enjoyable don't you think? xP.

These two things aside, what might be my third to priority you may be asking...well...can you take a guess? do it...just try. I'm sure you'll do fine...(please leave a comment of your guess...if you want to...and if it's not what I'm actually going to say in a couple of seconds...really...do it...)
Its...its...guitar! that's right boys and girls, Jak's actually got a hobby and he's going to pursue it! amazing isn't it? I find that when I play the guitar, it's like the best time of my life. So relaxing, so out of this world satisfying that I can actually make my own music and best of all...it's guitar and that's just wicked stuff. I remember when I was tweleve and I'd stand infront of the telly playing air guitar in hopes that some day I'd be one of the legends...back then I didn't know any legends so I don't really remember what I was thinking =P. Anyway, I'm gonna try to keep improving on it. I remember when I first got it and I was hoping that it wasn't just a phase you know? like I'll play it for a couple of months maybe, then the interest will just go away...but thankfully, after a long time, I'm still, maybe more than ever interested in it. Especially after going back to China and seeing my good friend be so good at guitar. He's the lead guitarist in his band so you know, he's cool, gets all the babes...haha. Just kidding, his school is in a desert, there's not many babes, but still though, he's amazingly good and it just motivated me to practice even more. So guys...wish me good luck and in about a decade, please support my cds. =].

Let's see so that concludes a major change for myself...making priorities and sticking with them. Now that I have these priorities, which I think is pretty reasonable, I don't have to think much about you know, life not being purposeful and all that sad stuff. Now I think it's time to move on to some of the experiences I've had during the trip to China...but I think I'm not going to get all of it said tonight...kinda tired so I'm going to save it for the next one...so brb guys...Part II =].

Retracing My Steps

After a month of a lot of self re-evaluation, guitar playing and epic school failure, I'm back to posting again. There a lot of things that I've reconstructed for myself during the past month and I hope that I'll be able to carry it out.

I looked back at the way I was in elementary, Jr.high and high school and as I moved on up this ladder of education, I found myself becoming more and more self-pitying, self-conscious and overall having a grim outlook in life. After a lot of self confronting, I think it's time to not be so uptight on the way life is and perhaps just let it play out while setting some priorities so that I can be part of life along with my own beliefs. Although this sounds all fine and dandy, it's definitely not the easiest thing to do. To change yourself, your personality, is difficult to say the least, but I want to become who I really am inside, instead of always questioning my actions based on what others say or what society says.

School is definitely on the top of my list right now...although it's still so hard to find that extra effort to push myself to do some studying, I am doing better than I was before. These things will take time and patience is something I've been getting better at too. I know I'll never be the best in school or the smartest amongst my friends, but I can't be disappointed if I'm improving from what I'm getting.

Temptation and desire is something that's always troubled me. It's still proving to be a very difficult thing for me to avoid. What would you do if there's something that you want that you can't get? it's like that new bike in the window display that you walk past every time coming home from school, wishing one day, it'll be you that's sitting on it, riding it all over town. Would you forcibly take it? do nothing and hope that someday someone will give it to you as a present? or work hard, never giving up, until one day, maybe you'll be able to have enough money AND (here's the catch) the bike is still available. Of course, most people would answer the last...it has the most "taste" to it, it's what people like to do, to prove themselves. But in reality, how many people would work for something that may or may not be an illusion? temptation and desire can only disappear when the object of desire is actually obtained either through force, work or wishing...and everyone knows, wishing never works. So what would you do? get what you want by force right now? or work for 20 years for something that's so fuzzy, it's like looking at something 10 miles away in a blizzard storm? obviously, I will never use force, I'm not that type of person so I decide to work for it based on my own morals and beliefs. You might at this point ask yourself, what's the problem Jak? you seem to have it figured out...well you see, the dilemma is...although I say I'm going to work for it, temptation still has me in its little arms, putting what I want right in front of my eyes so I'd be able to get it if I just grab for it. I'm still human and it's something hard to fight, so what can I do?

Look away from it, forget about it, put the thought of it at the back of my head until the day I'm actually ready.

Sometimes it still creeps up in my head and situations makes it so tempting it feels like I'm so close, but before long, it hits me how far it really is and through reflection, I am able to calm myself down and put it away again. How am I able to do this? for me, self discipline is the key.

Self discipline is also something that's bothering me. I often find no motivation to get up in the morning, but with practice, I force myself out of bed and force myself to do something productive. With practice, I force myself to not think about anything and set solid schedules and priorities for me to be distracted from those temptations and desires. How many people in this world can look at a gourmet meal on one side, and a plate of salad on the other, and choose the plate of salad just because they tell themselves to? there's no logical reason for their actions...both meals are free, both are healthy, they don't want to lose weight, but just because they tell themselves to choose one, they do it? how many people can go to school in the morning at 9am and spend every moment of it until 9pm either studying, or going to lectures (without a test coming up)? not many people can and maybe not many people need to, but there are always those few that can and because they can, they succeed. Again, it's difficult to build discipline and it takes a very long time, but I believe I can do it. Because I tell myself that I have to.

Starting off small and working myself up...that's the only way.

Lastly, I have trouble saying "no". Especially to those whose opinion matter a lot to me. I haven't found a right way to tackle this yet, but part of having a tight schedule is to avoid these situations. I remember how much I didn't care what others thought when I was younger, but now it feels like I've taking so many steps back, it feels like I'm pressured from everywhere. I need to regain that mind set, but this time...I need to do it the right way.

I won't be posting very frequently anymore as I don't have much time and I don't really think about much that I want to be posting. I think before, this blog was my way of reaching out to those that I cared about, a place where I can complain and not be ridiculed for it, but now I have really very little to complain about and I no longer have the desire to let those close to me know what I think of them indirectly.

Things seem different now. I'm starting off clean again. This time, I want to become who I'm really meant to be, at the same time, following my beliefs and morals.
Secret #46: This is the last secret...it's been fun.

Break

I'm gonna take a break from this blog...it no longer feels like a sanctuary.

Think I'm gonna make some changes in my life now. I don't know what really...only thing on my mind right now is taking up guitar.

Until next time...later days...

新年实施

今天我朋友问我，“你要是找女朋友，最重要的是什么？” 我想了想然后回答他，“喜欢我就可以了。。”

现在来想，我觉得这是我很长时间里说的一句真心话。

What's going on...

Second post in one day...short but necessary v.v''.

SO CLAMPED UP RIGHT NOW....UGH...half pissed half sad....what the shit's going on with me....I wanna talk to someone! anyone! but I can't...can't find anyone...can't bring myself to...

Feel so alone...so alone...FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK...kinda wanna drink my troubles away...what's going on...I'm tired...so tired...

*sigh..*

*Sigh*

*SIGH*

Hurting...fuck it...I need some serious heart help. I need a psychiatrist...go see a shrink...very big possibility now...damn...I feel messed up right now...although I'm sitting here calmly typing away as my roommate talks away to his girlfriend, a raging battle is going on inside me....please...end soon...it's...ugh..

Ouch...

I think it's about time to move on...it really does hurt too much...maybe it's because I don't care enough...or maybe it's because I care too much. Really thought I could deal with it though...for at least a while longer. Whatever I choose to do, I'll just lose in the end...so I don't know really what to do. I can either live with a purpose, but deal with the pain or I can live free of the pain (to some extent) but live without a purpose. I guess putting it here seems very obvious isn't it? to have purpose and pain or to not have purpose and have pain...an idiot would choose the one that at least benefits themselves.

*sigH* I really don't think I'm strong enough for this though...especially when I saw him today I realized how complicated things were. I know all these things that I'm not supposed to know and I have no one to tell them to. It's kind of eating me from the inside out, but there's not much I can do. I guess I should appreciate the little bits of happiness that occur every once in a while more. Think about it when I'm not feeling too good about situations...*sigH* what the hell am I doing...is life really worth this amount of thinking...is it really worth all the self battles that I seem to always have with myself? Death would bring peace to my over-emotional self. Or some sort of device that can kill my emotions...that would be good too...because really, what's the point. A person living with an impossible purpose that's not interested in pretty much everything is a person that's already dead. The only difference is that there are sparks of emotion that run through me from time to time. Sometimes, I can feel happiness, but most of the time, I feel blandness and pain.

Life really isn't fair is it? *sigH* whatever, it's no big deal...probably just another down curve to my emotional cycle at the moment. I always seem to say that don't I...seems like everything is okay when nothing's okay. I guess it's okay...what people can't see can't hurt anyone. I think I'll just keep doing whatever comes into my mind...at least it'll occupy me from time time and not think about all these depressing things.

Pain is a feeling that can get a person everytime...it still amazes me how much it hurts...you'd think by now, I'd be used to it right? well, I thought I was used to it...until it happens again and it's like the first time it ever happened...every time. It no longer scares me...just makes me feel like shit...can't expect it because you don't remember what pain feels like. Try it, prick your finger with a needle...try to picture how it feels, and do it again, it won't be the same as you imagined it...it'll be a lot worse...it's always a surprise every time and I'm so familiar with it, I think we've become good friends...it seems to always come to me when I'm feeling like I'm on top of the world, then it hits me and tells me that things aren't really how I imagine it to be. Thank you old friend...I really really do hate you. I need some time to myself...I need to calm myself down and think about things rationally...but then again, can you really rationalize love?

Dazed...

It's been a while...winter break was okay...nothing much happened. Saw some friends, played some badminton, watched a movie, hung out with people...pretty much all I wanted to do. I guess the break wasn't all that relaxing because I was worried about my marks the entire time, but meh...I'm back in Toronto now and it's time to start doing work again. I'm going to start working harder in school...maybe actually start doing well...hopefully.

A couple of interesting things happened while I was back. For a while that I was back, I was hoping that I wouldn't bump into some people...the fear of the awkwardness and the aura of hate was enough for me to worry about it and eventually the fear turned into curiosity as to what would actually happen, which turned into memories of what did happen in high school. There were certainly good times and when I began reflecting on it, I kind of missed it. For the first semester, I'd often think of what went on, but I never really had any feelings attached to it...just bland memories, nothing more. I wonder if it'll happen every time that I go back to Calgary...hopefully not. I feel like a little kid...hopefully I can some how put it past me and actually enjoy my time in Calgary next time...but then again, I don't really have much to enjoy...home didn't feel like home...the bedding was familiar, the scent was cozy, but I felt out of place there. Felt like a guest in my own "home". I think next Christmas, I'll go back for a couple of days instead of a couple of weeks. Uncomfortable and undesired feelings regarding everything about that city just comes back the longer I stayed...resentment towards my family...annoyance towards people...I thought things had changed, but I guess it doesn't really change...just the environment so that these things would have a different place in my mind. Overall though the trip back wasn't a complete waste. I got to see some people I wanted to see...McArthur made the trip worth it though...it was like old times when we'd just chill in his truck, driving around not giving a shit about anything...it was fun. Also, it was pleasant seeing Qian again...her bubbliness never changes...it was refreshing from the drama filled past of mine. Her flight was almost at the same time as mine and she was just a couple of gates down from me so I accidentally bumped into her while I was at the airport...didn't plan it, didn't think about it...it was just a nice send off to Toronto.

Of course, with the sending off, there's the receiving...first voice I heard was a refreshing feel and I couldn't have been happier when I saw her as I walked out of the elevator...the smile she had made everything bad go away. I was really excited to see her and I was hoping that my little "transformation" was a nice change for her too...I don't think it was anything big deal to her though =P...it's okay, at least she was happy to see me too =)...I think...and let's keep my conscious that way. She's sick right now though...I wish there was something I could do...when I was walking with her outside today, I felt so helpless...to see someone so weak and fragile isn't a very pleasant thing, but to see someone that you really care about go through it, it's like a strangulation of the heart v.v''. There's only so much I can do though and I did everything I can...I just hope she gets lots of rest and feels better soon. Sometimes I don't do the best thing or even the most important things, but I guess there's nothing I can do about it. I just hope some of the little things I do can help her get through the day.

I feel so tired these days...a little tired of life really. I'm pretty sure it's the lack of human contact at the moment since my roommate isn't back yet. Everything feels so...monotonous. I just sit here, in the empty room, taping away at my keyboard thinking of the impossible as my desires, hopes, slowly dies away. I still question myself every night I go to bed if it's all worth it and I tell myself that giving up would be so much easier...but for some reason, a part of me doesn't want to give in now...it's kind of like I'm on autopilot at the moment...the plane's going pretty slow...pretty steady and from time to time, the clouds disperse and I see the sunshine for a little while keeping me on track towards my destination, where ever that may be. I really want something or someone to drag me out of this montony...tired of it, but I think I need to do most of the work first. Things will be okay...they always turn out to be okay.

Recently, I've been thinking of turning to God for good...it'll probably take away many of my questions regarding life, but somehow I just can't convince myself...I want to know the truth and not just believe in something that's been told to me. The pastor of the church that my parents go to is a really good person. Seems like he is at least. He came over for dinner the night before I left to see me off and I thought it was really kind of him...I went to him once for help...when I was pretty desperate, and even though he tells me the same thing every time, to turn to God, I think the way he says his prayers and the way he presents life that calms me down. I told him that I was interested in psychology and he told me that I shouldn't go into it because it'll be harder for me to believe in God that way...I don't really believe that though...I find it interesting how the human mind works, but that doesn't mean that I can't believe in an ultimate power right? I mean, sure the ideologies clash with each other, but at the same time, it's not fair to disregard one just to prove the other right is it? I think somehow, both needs to be interlinked to find an answer...or at least an answer with truth to it. I'm not sure about many things right now...confused about a lot of things and I really want someone to talk to about these things, but really, there's not many people that shares my views on this. Most people are too determined to prove that their belief is right, whether if it's pure scientific or pure religious...it's hard to find someone with a common ground as me that can discuss all the possibilities. Most of the time, when I try to talk to someone about this...it'll just turn into them lecturing me about their belief, which is interesting to some extent, but at the same time, it doesn't help me with my search for a connection. See the internal struggles that I have to deal with? *sigH* so troublesome =P.

I'm becoming more and more convinced that maybe engineering isn't what I really want to do...I really much perfer a more theoretical approach to things...but since I'm already in this shit, let's pull through...I'm stubborn like that xD.

Alright...I think that's about it for now...don't really know what direction I'm going towards at the moment, but at least there's someone I can see beside me from time to time. She's been an amazing friend and I'd like to say...thank you. Hopefully, the next time I post, something will snap me out of this daze I'm in...surrounded by fog and uncertainty.
Secret #45: I'll always be there for you. No matter what happens, I'll do my best...I hope you can understand, I'm not perfect...