Stepping Aside

It feels like it's been a while since I posted...I wanted to post a couple of times, but never got around to it. There was this one night, where I was already writing up a post, (for those who don't know, I write my posts in one sitting and then never look back on it =P), but I fell asleep on my desk...the shitty little desk that I have. Anyway, that day's passed so that little exert is lost forever.

Alright...recently I've been keeping to myself a lot more. I still have my fair share of fun, but the things that go through my mind, I just let it wander around in my head. Most of the time, I would talk to someone about it, but as the days pass, I don't think letting everyone or anyone know about what's going on in my head really does anything. In the end, my closest friends seem to just use that to "build" their "understanding" of me. Personally, this really isn't what I want. I tell things to close friends, not to let them know me better, but rather it's just a way to get things off my mind. In return, I do the same for them. I mean, people have came to me and told me things and asked for my advice many times before. But never have I ever used those facts and questions to make any assumption of them. I think when people are in trouble and they need someone to talk to, it's just to let some things out and to just talk. Everyone is unique in their own way and by making assumptions based on these things just leads to misunderstandings of the human race. It makes us think that people are all the same...because many times, the problems that people face are the same. I think it's because of our society and environment that makes people have similar problems, but to understand and to know a person...truly know a person, you have to see them at their most relaxed, most comfortable state in a third person perspective...when you see a tiny little smirk on the edge of someone's lip by accident, that's when you can finally see the true person. In their minds, no one can see them and when that thought crosses their mind, it's when they show their true selves. It rarely happens because everyone puts their guard up infront of other human beings and many people are selfish enough to not notice those little things. That's why judging someone based on how they act and what they say, even in a very intimate setting is very misleading. In return, since most people do judge and "learn to understand" the person this way, I find it useless to let my thoughts run free anymore. Why bother wasting my time doing something that'll get people worked up when in reality, it's just emotions that are shown for a few instances based on certain circumstances. It shows nothing about the person besides more of the layer of protection they put over themselves. I don't know, maybe you can find little traces of truth and identity through the rants and profound conversations you've had in the past and if that makes you happy, I'm happy for you.

Another reason for my decision to keep my thoughts to myself is because I find it hard to talk about it now. Maybe it's because I don't feel comfortable or maybe it's because of something else, I'm not sure, but I just find it hard to even say a word about how I feel or think during a certain situation or a period of time. Eventually it goes away like everything else, so in the end, it doesn't really matter yea? I guess this is what this blog is for, for me to rant to...it just listens and never makes any conclusions about what I'm typing on it. It's a good feeling after posting something and never looking back on it too. I guess it shows how much I really, truthfully, cared about that situation in the big picture. The other reason why I keep this blog, besides having something to rant to, is to keep a series of experiences and thoughts so in the later years, I can look back on it and maybe find something cool about my thinking pattern as well as maybe a little growth in my thoughts. It's interesting to me, how a person's thoughts can change over time as they experience and mature.

Okay okay, enough of the philosophical/psychological crap. Pretty sure that was boring as much as it was confusing, so let's go on a different topic.

Since I've been thinking to myself a lot, I'll share one thought that has just recently formed a conclusion in my mind. For the longest time, I was confused about how I felt towards love and loving someone. I tried many things...too many for me to mention, in order to get that feeling I used to have when I liked someone in elementary. When you like someone, you tend to like something ABOUT them. The way they look, the way they think, the way they talk, the list goes on. When you like someone, you tend to magnify on all the traits that you like and this way, you feel as if you're in love with the person because the perspective that you've developed for yourself has narrowed to concentrating on those little things. Over the years, I think I stopped focusing so much at the little things and whenever I found something that was attractive in a person, there were things that were...how do you say, just neutral. They weren't "attractive" but they weren't "not attractive" either...hope you understood that little part. This made me have just a neutral feeling towards the person and that "liking someone" feeling just never came to me anymore. On to a different topic for a second: People change over time. I think everyone can agree with me on this one. Whether it's due to environment or knowledge or experience, the thinking process of a person changes. I've always known this, but I think now, I'm beginning to actually accept it. It's the acceptance of this along with the realization of why I can't feel that certain way about a person that allowed me to come to the conclusion that I'm in love with the past. I think I've always been in love with that connection, that one summer, those few years and even at this moment, I might still be in love with it. When I was younger, my thoughts about liking someone was still very focused on the attractive features. The shyness...the laugh, the kindness are all the things that I fell in love with and I never really saw anything else. I had a vision and I magnified it everyday so that as each day passed by, the feeling grew. All these things, I still see to some extent and every time I see it, I get that feeling back, but that feeling only lasts for a short period of time. So for the past many years, I always thought that it was what I was looking for...but little did I understand, the change in people can be very drastic and in fact, very permanent. I couldn't deal with the change and along with my inability to find attractiveness and magnify it, conflicts started building up in my head. These days to myself helped me realize that the little girl that I fell in love with so long ago, or maybe is still in love with, no longer exist. This final realization that she is in fact gone and is no longer part of my life made me very sad...but at the same time, has helped me find an answer to the question that's been bugging me for such a long time.

I still believe in love and now I can peacefully wait for the one that'll be perfect...for me =). Things will click when it happens, it'll be easier rather than harder and the work will be shared between both of us =P. I guess I can finally close another chapter of my love life and start heading towards another grassy field with another ideology.

Things will get easier,
If the friendship is meant to be.
If a friendship is meant to be,
It won't be just memories.