Late Night Cracker Thoughts

Another week of university has gone by and here I am...still awake at 2:09 in the morning, munching away on a cracker. The past week has been okay I guess. A lot of ups and downs and a lot of thinking to myself. Some major things that's been running through my head have been school and the friendships in my life. Of course at the moment, I'm listening to some music that I've never listened to before and much like many times before, music has been the thing that's kept me on my feet. But let's not get into that again...I'm sure all of you know how much I like music already...and if you don't...well, now you do.

Alright...let's start with school. The transition into school mode has certainly been a tough one for me. I just hope it doesn't take too much longer. I mean, I come home everyday, tired as shit, but still have a lot of homework and studying to do. The topics go by extremely fast and the concepts are still hard to get my mind around. I've always thought about myself as a fairly bright minded guy. I mean I can grasp concept at a relatively fast pace, but now, after every lecture, I have to scratch my head and wonder if everything I thought was going on during the lecture actually happened. Often I wonder if it happens to everyone or if I just overestimated my intellect. The people I hang out with at school seems to get it much faster than I do and many times, I feel like I don't belong in the program I'm in...I guess the only thing that's keeping me in it is because the material being covered is very interesting. I dunno...the few quizzes I've had so far, I did extremely badly in...and I'm not exaggerating. Really, REALLY bad. *sigH* university life is definitely harder to get used to than I had imagined. I mean my friends are telling me things are going to be okay and as much as I'd like to believe them, I don't think I'm too far from my limit. Maybe this is all I can do...I know myself better than anyone else...even though I don't know myself very well, I know when I feel challenged and I don't like the feeling when I don't understand things. It's a frustrating thing and the only conclusion that I've come to is to study more...work harder and hopefully, by the time I reach my potential, it'll be enough for me to do decently in university. Nothing much else I can do...once I reach my potential, that's it. Surpassing it will require mental and physical strength that I don't think I have...and I don't have the natural gift of intelligence on my side...so I guess we'll see...

I've been saying that a lot..."we'll see"...everything seems like to be in the future so that I don't have to worry about the present. My way of "running away" again I suppose. Don't know why I think the present is so bad...it's not really...there are a lot of good things happening, but sometimes, when I'm munching on a cracker and thinking about the things that happened throughout the week, I just tend to be overwhelmed by the things that bug me. Is that natural? no right...no big deal I suppose. Everyone's different and this is one way that I live my life. I've tried many times to "not think" that much into everything, but I can't help it. Maybe it's clinical depression...no...too severe right? maybe I just lack that certain bond that really makes me happy. There's no point in pushing it to happen if it's not happening either...being too eager just make things seem to come slower than they actually are. But yea...after a critical analysis of what's going on in my head and what's wrong with me...I think I'm just lacking that bond that makes me seem to have a purpose in life. Maybe once I find that bond to give me a purpose, I'll start thinking less and start enjoying the present more...I mean..."the present is a gift...that's why it's called the 'present'." right? xD.

Anyway...I didn't plan that part out...it just came to me so yea. Back to what I wanted to talk about...the second part. Friendship and bonds yea? well I guess that little spiel in the second paragraph did say something about that...so I guess I know what I'm looking for. But right now, I feel like I'm becoming more and more distant from my friends. The close friends that I used to have before aren't as close anymore...the new friends that I made here...well they're good people. I just don't feel that kind of connection you know? There might be times where I feel like it's okay to open up, but a couple of seconds later, that feeling is gone and I just kinda stop myself in my track. Kinda feel the people here are really different than me too. I'm not as out going and everyone seems to be wanting to be doing something all the time. It's hard keeping up with them, so when I just wanna chillax, they seem to think something's wrong with me. It doesn't really matter to me, but because they think that, the distance just gets bigger and bigger. It's okay though, since the connection between these friends are pretty weak, I know that I haven't found anyone with that kind of bond yet. Surface friends are good too. The laughs are there...the fun is there, can't ask for much more right? only can graciously accept those thoughts when someone actually tries to get closer to you. In this case, I don't think anyone is trying or no one really wants to, so what's the point of me doing the same thing back right? if they all want to be surface friends, I'm okay with that. They're there for those nights when I really want to get drunk and have some fun. Other than that...they're just another face in the hallways. The close friends I had before are pretty much drifting away too. Only one that I've kept in touch with is Piao. He tries...he does a lot of the work actually. Most of the time on MSN, he talks to me first. He makes the conversation interesting. Since I think he really does care, I text time from time to time too. I can basically tell him everything and anything without getting too serious into it. It's a good feeling...like an outlet that's always there...and of course, I'm always there for him when he needs someone to listen. It's a good mutual friendship...you might think that this bond is the one I was talking about, but let me explain. I don't get the feeling of happiness when I talk to him, it's like a mutual comfort that makes me want to keep talking to him. No consequences, just talk about anything. It lacks the factor of me wanting to be there...like waking up everyday looking forward to something. Can't really explain it any further than that...hopefully it's clear enough. But yea...everyone else from high school seems to be drifting away faster and faster. I don't really mind though...everyone has to go their own ways and since I'm not the type to take initiative in these things, if they don't have time, then I won't bother them. No biggy right? life goes on.

Yea, that's about it for today. I'm pretty tired and of course, I've finished munching on the crackers. Feeling kinda empty these days. Not sad, not happy, not angry, not anything. I miss having the feeling of loving someone. I miss the feeling of having a purpose. I certainly miss those who provided me with those feelings. What's done is done though...there's no turning back. I'll find someone that can fill the emptiness again one day. Until then...I'll wake up everyday for going to school =). It's a nice place on campus at UT...the scenery is good.