To Love...is Hard?

First thing's first...still haven't fixed the music...I'll get on it soon...soon as in probably when I get back to Calgary =P.

Anyway, life's been alright lately. I've been hanging out with people I want to hang out with a lot more so things seem to be better. The little gestures...whether it's giving me a call to whine about a test or to ask me for some advice about anything...it all makes me feel better inside. At the same time, I'd want to do things back that really aren't necessary. For a friend...for someone I care about...I think I'm putting some sort of effort into showing how much I actually care, but is it really suppose to be so difficult? Obviously, the reason I do these things is because I want to, but through the process of it all, I have millions of doubts in my mind, telling myself that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, the reality will just put my efforts down into a hole...it's not worth much...to most people, but to some, I hope it's worth a little more. When I ever do anything out of the way for someone, I feel my heart speeding up and I can't come to a conclusion as to why...as i sit in the empty examination hall, I wonder if I made the right choice I constantly think about going back...over and over again....until I see the smile that makes everything settle down...that makes everything worth it. I guess taht's the reward of it all...the smile that one can retain by giving a little of themselves.

"You're incapable of love" a friend told me...and the more I think about it, the more it seems to be true. I don't know why though...maybe it's due to my childhood...maybe it's due to my past experience....but it just seems really hard to put yourself out there for something that may or may not happen. Logically speaking, the lack of a nice childhood and the bad past experiences should be the reason behind my inability to show love, but the more I think about it and the more I hear about it, maybe it's because I'm just in love with someone already...and once I'm in love with a person, I won't actually be able to fall in love again...or maybe love is actually not what one presume it to be. Maybe love isn't the gloriousness that everyone seems to have it dressed up to be. Maybe loving someone is just feeling comfortable around them, being able to get along with them, like spending time with them...all of which not involving having that "particular" feeling that people seems to be looking for all the time. Maybe it isn't. Whatever it may be, I hope that I'll be able to experience it someday...and for now, I can still feel what I think it may be when I go through my email from many many years ago. Hopefully, it'll come to me again...if I try hard enough...it should right? I guess the right person needs to be there too...someone that'll be willing to pull me out of my little world and into something that's seems to be so far away, but yet so close.

Ugh...it's late tonight...I should be going to bed...I'll leave an MV...maybe this is what love is =P.

"...when it comes to things that i really care about and things that i really want to say ...u no things that i actually really mean......i donno.....i just dont know how to put in it words that u would take seriously........yep thats me..."

Maybe things haven't changed that much...
Secret #42: "Did you miss me...?" ...I missed you =).