To Love...IS Hard

This is my 100th post...and it's pretty damn fitting for what I want to talk about. The past few days has gone by like a hurricane. It feels like everything's changed so fast and I'm living in a different time. I know it shouldn't affect me this much, but the intake of information, the explosion of feelings and the realization that loving someone is in fact a difficult thing, albeit also very amazing was a whirlwind for me.

After a fun night of not doing homework I found out something that made a huge impact on me. Why it did so much to me still mesmerizes me, but I'm glad it did. When I heard about it, I didn't know what to feel. It was as if a giant mixture of sadness and happiness was put in a pot and someone kept on swirling the mixture although it was as much saturated as it could get. I felt happy for myself for some odd reason that I didn't fully realize until that night and I felt sad for the one that told me the news...at first, the sadness took over me.

I didn't know what to think...I didn't know what to say...all I knew was that I need to be there for her and by being there for her, I'd be doing a favor for myself. We walked and talked and walked some more and talked some more and every time I saw the tiny water droplets stream down the side of her cheek, it felt as if someone had my heart in their hands and squeezed it a little harder. It was excruciatingly painful, but at the same time, I was happy because I felt something that night. I felt for the first time how much I really care about this girl. I felt like if there was anything I could do, anything, no matter how painful it might be, just to bring the smile back onto her face, I would do it. That night made me realize how I really felt...some how, all the feelings that I brushed aside time after time all came to me at once and during those few hours, I concluded that from this point on, I will do whatever I can to see her smile. It doesn't matter if I have a piles of homework or a bunch of tests, if she needs me to be somewhere, I'll be there. It sounds weird right?...it still does to me. How can someone sacrifice themselves so much if there isn't anything in return? How can someone give and give, but expect nothing in return? you see...that's where the thin line between doing something selfishly and doing something for love lies. Most of the time, people do things for other people, could be someone they like, in order to get that same feeling back. In order to feel like someone important. It was what I wanted for the longest time. But now, I don't need to get anything back because it doesn't matter if she can't return what I give it at the same time it doesn't matter what she does or how she does it, as long as I see her smile and as long as I'm around her, I feel happy. You might say that I'm just exaggerating like I always do right? fair point. But this time, it's different. It feels different because along with the feeling of happiness that comes with me, there's always a sense of pain attached to it. This part of my discovery was shown to me yesterday...

After a long day, we went to eat. When I was there eating beside her, it felt different...I saw the look in her eyes and the attention that she had...it was in a different world. It's something that I could never give her at this point, but it was the most satisfied, most happy I've seen her all day. She looked calmer, she looked at peace. When I saw this, it felt so painful because I couldn't give her this, but at the same time, it made me happy because I felt that she was happy too. Whether it was just remembering something in the past or being there at that moment, it make her smile...one of those sincere smiles that she didn't think anyone else could see...perhaps it's arrogant of me to say this because I'm not her, but it felt right. After dinner, although I wanted her to feel like that around me, I know that at this point in life, she wouldn't be able to bring herself to do so. So I told her, "If you find something that makes you happy, grab on to it no matter what happens." I meant it when I said this, but the moment that those words came out of my mouth, once again, it felt like someone just took my heart and started torturing it to no end, but it made me happy because I know that she wants that too...we talked some more and the more we talked, the more I felt like I was getting to finally know her better. Maybe it was me trying to hide from reality before, but now I can see everything so vividly...it's no longer an illusion.

I think about her all the time...I worry about her all the time...I wonder if she's smiling and when I miss her, I press a button on my cell phone and see the smile on her face...for a little while, the worry disappears. Right now, I can't concentrate on anything...just yesterday, I had a test, but the whole time, whether it was preparing for it, or actually doing it, it felt like it didn't matter at all. I know it shouldn't be like this right now, but for as long as she's not okay with something or another, her well being will be at the top of my priority list. Until she's okay again, school can come second.

No more lying to myself, no more avoiding what's reality when reality doesn't favor what I want. I've learned so much about who I am these few days...I've learned so much about what love is these days and one thing I can assure you is that love IS indeed very difficult because "love is one sided" and the trick to that statement is that...the one-sidedness shouldn't stop you from loving someone and it's not going to stop me anymore. If what I feel ever disappears, I'll accept it, but as of right now, I've accepted how I feel and no matter what anyone else thinks, I'm happy when I see her even if I have to deal with 10 folds worth of pain and hurt...because I know it's real. Finally I have a reason to do things that I would never do before...finally I have the motivation to get up in the morning...I see my purpose...do you?
Secret #43: Thank you...for being alive and a part of my life. 你是我的初恋