*sigH* another late night...I should be studying for my relativity final tomorrow, but I guess I'm just not in the mood to study these days. Good thing in some senses, not so good in others =P. A lot of things on my mind...don't really know how to put it in words anymore. It'll probably sound stupid written out, but in my mind, it makes sense. I guess let me start with the question, "would you do something for someone if you don't get anything back in return?"Self sacrifice....some people call it nobility, some people call it stupidity. Some people are scared of it, some people thrive on it. I never really understood it fully. Why would anyone do something if they knew nothing will come of it? Humans ultimately live for survival and if what they're doing has nothing benefiting for their survival, what's the point of doing it? I've always asked myself that...what's the point of doing something, doing anything? is it for self discovery? knowledge? I've always thought there had to be a base purpose for doing something that ultimately made the person doing ANYTHING happy...or at least, void of pain.
Before, everything for me had to be rational. If I was going to put myself out there, if I was going to make myself vulnerable, I had to have reasoning behind it. Whether the reasoning made sense to everyone, that doesn't matter, but at least I knew what I expected before doing anything...I played it safe...to avoid anything that might even slightly grow emotional attachment with me. To this day, I still do many of these things...I find it hard to actually say what I mean...(not including on this blog) and when I do say it, many times I wish I hadn't. The point of the matter is, I think recently, rationality has slowly integrated away from my decision making process...especially when it comes to doing something for someone. Something's making me want to do it despite the consequences...something's making me step out of my comfort zone and do things I'd never though I would do.
How do I know this? the answer is simple...so many of the things that I do now, have become reality where as before, it all played in my head. I'd imagine everything and I'd do everything in my head for someone that I cared about. The saying, "it's the thought that counts."...I find it lacking another part...which is "...if the actions reflect those thoughts." You can be thinking about someone all day. You can imagine endless situations and scenarios that would be perfect, but the point of the matter is that if you don't let them know by demonstrating it with actions, they'll never know and all that wonderful "thought" is just another process of chemical reactions in your brain.
I still don't do anything for anyone...not at all, but to some extent, I do everything I can for someone, but I don't expect anything in return...or rather, I expect nothing in return. I expect to get hurt, I expect that some things work out, but I don't expect the person to do anything that they don't want. Unfortunately for me, what they don't want to do, is what I want them to do. Quite the dilema right? No...not really. For the first time, I'm acting out my thoughts. Everytime I think of something that might make the person a little bit happier, I would do it. Everytime I do it, my heart starts racing like it's going to pop out of my chest because I'm scared. I'm scared that the person won't like it, I'm scared that things won't be as I imagined, I'm scared that all that I'm doing is for nothing, I'm scared of the pain, but I do it regardless because in the end, there is a possibility that the person will like it, there is a possibility that it will go as I imagined and there is a possiblity that a smile will result from all this. To be honest, I don't think I can do this type of thing for many people because it takes its toll on my heart...but for one person...I think I can handle it. Although I do all these things, everytime I remind myself that things might not work out the way I planned and today was the first time that it didn't work the way I planned.
Prior to today, things worked as I imagined...I acted on instinct, did whatever poped into my mind, didn't plan it, didn't think too much about it, just went with it and things worked out. I was really happy that I can provide some sort of joy into the person's life and everytime, it made my day. Although I expected things to not work out eventually at least once or twice, the fact that things didn't work out today made me really sad. I mean, it's not anyone's fault, there was nothing I could do...life isn't fair and I accept that, but the significant part of this is that I felt hurt. Even though I knew I would get hurt going into this, the hurt felt so real when it actually hit me. I was walking home from the unfortunate event and I felt the very thing I was trying to avoid all these years...disappointment from caring so much. I think it's a good thing though...it made me feel kind of alive again, like I do care about something...like there's something worth being hurt about. Even though it hurt, I know that if it did work out, the person would be a little happier and that's all I want from this...because truly it affects me a lot. When the person is sad, I'd be sad. When the person is happy, I'd be happy...
I no longer live in my little world anymore...instead, I'm bringing my little world out so that it can mix with the reality that I now live in. I know I'm going to get hurt, but at the same time, I know I'll be happier than I've ever been before. I expect nothing in return...besides the occassional smile. In life, the lucky few gets what they want in return for what they do. The majority takes and takes and never gives back. Then there are the ones that never gets what they want, but keeps on trying. I don't find myself to be in a bad situation nor do I pity myself. I've accepted the fact that sometimes the love for someone can't be reciprocated, but it's the fact that I feel this way even though I've accepted this that makes me keep on doing these things because I know if I'm still willing to keep on going after getting hurt, it means that what I feel and what I do mean something...perhaps something real =).
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