Hawk Eye

As the first semester of my university life come to a close, I'm still trying to cram the seemingly endless textbook into my little brain...finals are almost over. I don't think I learned that much this semester actually...didn't feel like working that much...made a few new friends and stayed awake in most of my classes. The only class I managed to go every class was physics...mainly because of the cool demos that the prof did. I hope that somehow I get my ability to work back...or started...it'll be a really annoying 4 years if I don't. There's not been much going on in my head besides one thing really...I've been talking about it a lot and it seems like I still discover new things with each event.

She left for holidays a few days ago...I didn't want her to go...but just like many things in this world that I want, but can't have, she went on the bus and flew off to the distant country to enjoy the holidays. Before she left, I got her a little gift...it was the first Christmas that I actually wanted to get a gift for someone. I thought about what to give her for many days before I decided that I couldn't think of anything that'll be amazing so I got her something that she wanted for maybe 10 minutes of her life =P. Those damn little things were harder to find than I had expected too...after asking around and walking aimlessly down Queen Street, I managed to find my destination at "Magic Pony"...yea, sounds awesome doesn't it. None the less, I was very happy that I found it. Got her a little card and wrapped the present for her. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I actually wrapped a gift. With the help of youtube, nothing's impossible =). I wanted it to look nice at least hehe. Anyway, I gave it to her before she left and I was happy to see her smile.

After she left, I went home and slept before going to my test...it was snowing that day and as I walked home from my exam, I looked up at the snow just like the little penguin on my card, wondering where she was at that moment...wondering if she was sleeping, or shopping, or just relaxing. As I walked, I thought about the times that I got her little things, to surprise her, to cheer her up, to do whatever...and when I thought about it, it made me a little bit sad. Before, I thought that a couple of big gestures once in a while can mean a lot...then I thought many little things all the time might be better than a few big things...then I came to the conclusion that many big things would probably be better than all of that right? makes sense...except I can't give big things all the time...spending my parents' money wouldn't be very...what's the word...whole hearted I guess. As I thought about this, I realized that I wouldn't be a very good boyfriend at my current state...hell, I'm not even a very good friend. But as of these couple of months, I've been trying to do more...but it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I actually wanted to do more. Whether it was big or small, I'd do anything and everything...of course, putting yourself out there, you would expect to be hurt right? and yea, I've been hurting pretty much every step of the way and it was during that little stroll in the snow that I realized why it hurt so much. It hurt because I knew that no matter how many things I do for her, it wouldn't make her 1/10th as happy as if it was from someone that she liked. It was this realization that made everything click. She always has guys looking out for her, doing things for her and I think that to her, I'm just like every other guy that has come and gone. She's told me that she cares and I believe her as a friend, but as something more, I'm just another guy that's missing something. It's this feeling that hurts so much...it makes me want to give up because sometimes, I just can't take it, but then whenever I see her smile again, a rush of endorphines keep me from giving up...it makes me happy.

For as long as I feel this way, I'll do whatever comes to my mind...this way, I'll have no regrets. Everytime she leaves, it feels like it'll be the last time I'll be able to see her because the first time she left, it was 6 years before I saw her again...I don't want to wait that long ever again while regretting every moment that I didn't do something more while I had the chance. It's scary sometimes, how when I wake up in the morning, I think to myself if she's awake yet and when I go to sleep at night, I wonder if she's in bed too. I hope that this feeling that I have isn't a phase...my roommate often tells me that he's gone through it and it'll be okay...but he doesn't really know everything and I don't think he's had a relationship with anyone for such a long time and still managed to somehow be part of their lives. She means the world to me...and I'd do anything to make her happy...even if it means never being loved back the same way because in the end, her happiness will make me happier than getting what I want.
Secret #44: I miss you...more than I ever imagined.