Monotony

First thing I wanna say is...I apologize for not putting up a new song in this post. I will soon. There are a few songs that's caught my attention, but just haven't had the time nor energy to put them up xP. Another thing is that it's kind of hard to now that I don't have all the files that's needed to put up songs on this computer so...you know, extra work and Jak just doesn't fit together now a days. Also, thanks Collins for sending me the song and keeping in touch xP. I know I haven't replied, but yea...I've been kinda busy...I apologize.

Alright, so it's been a while since I've put up a decent post so I'll be attempting to do so right now. After a couple of weeks of hardcore homework and exams, I'm finally able to relax a little bit. School has never presented itself so difficult to me and I have never felt so stupid either. For some reason, I just can't break the habit of being lazy, following formulas and actually put some brain power into the questions so I can think outside of the little box that I'm currently in. In class, the pace isn't that fast. I can follow everything, but when it comes to the questions, I don't think my brain works in a way that permits the flow of the smallest bit of intelligence to my conscious, so I would just sit there, staring at the question for hours on end, thinking along the same lines over and over again. And would you be surprised if I told you that this type of thinking is very unproductive? Yea, bet caught you off guard there didn't I. On the other hand, I think I'm slowly getting used to it. It seems like I've been trying so hard to do my best in university so far, but I don't think I've been going at it with the right approach. I've never worried about school. It's like a natural thing that just came to me and I think university will be like that soon. Marks, marks and more marks, that's pretty much what school's about right now. I've never talked so much about school when I'm not in school, it's actually pretty sad, but I guess part of this is also adjusting to a new environment. I guess in the beginning I was just intimidated by all the smart people in my classes and I wanted to be someone who stood out in comparison to the rest. That's something that have always been around the back of my mind. To be able to do something and be good at it. I mean I've always sort of let myself sink into mediocrity and I guess a part of me really wanted to break out of that. After thinking about my efforts vs. outcomes these few days, I think I've finally calmed myself down about the whole thing. I think I'll be able to sink back into the mood where I'll be satisfied with whatever I get. Of course I believe that I can do a lot better than my current situation, but I guess I've just learned that there's no point in rushing it. All it got me was a shit load of frustration that I did not need. I'm not the brightest guy, nor the most hardworking, but I'll do my best and hopefully, I'll be alright with that.

Enough about school, let us talk about some other topic...say social connections. I think I've reached a new level of carefreeness now a days. Maybe it's because I have so much work to do, maybe it's because I just don't want to, but day after day, it seems like I'm getting more and more distant from those that I "care" about. At the same time, I don't feel anything. A little bit of me says that I should care, but a bigger part of me says that they're all to busy to notice anyway. But yes, because of this, I don't feel close to anyone at all now. Some times, after long days at school, I just want to come home to someone that'll treat me like they appreciate the fact that I've busted my ass all day. I guess to some extent, it's the same for everyone so I shouldn't be asking for special treatment. It's kind of sad now a days though...when I'm feeling like shit, I don't talk to anyone about it anymore...yea, even less =P. I don't feel like picking up the phone because there's no one that I can call without feeling like I'm troubling them or wasting their time. I know it's selfish to think like that, but can you really blame me if I feel like no one sees me as a confidant anymore? Before, there were always people that I could turn to because they were willing to come to me when they were in trouble, but now, everyone seems to already have someone they can rely on, so I guess that's what's really stopping me from going to them. It's sad isn't it? I've noticed that I never do anything first...or very rarely. Most of the time, I'm always the one sitting back, waiting for other people to do something. I guess I've never actually seen a point in doing that...or I've never actually cared about something enough to do it first. Yea...I guess when it comes down to it, motivation just has never been a big part of my life. I'm never motivated to do anything and nothing seems to be worth doing if there's no motivation behind it. I wish I could find some sort of motivation though...it'll be nice to finally go for something that I really care about...it'd be nice to actually do something that had some sort of reason behind it. I guess that's something I can look for: a purpose. I don't see the purpose in doing anything and I guess that's not a very good thing either. Man...I'm screwed up xP. Ah well, I guess realizing it is always the first step. I wish I could find that though...it'd be nice.

Alright, there's actually not much going on in my head...the only thing that I keep on constantly thinking about is the email that was sent to me a long long time ago. I remember that day like it was yesterday. When I found out what was going on, I didn't really know what to think back then. The mixture of emotions that went through me was nothing like I've ever experienced. I bascially poured out my heart in that one email and it hasn't been back. I wish it was something more concrete, something more personal, but it was through a little email. It was a long time before I got a reply, but when I did, I felt so special and so worth pouring my heart out despite all the consequences. I got the email about 5 years ago and even now, I revisit it from time to time. When I do read it, word after word seems to put together all the little pieces of care and love that I've given and bring it back to me at an instant and for those couple of minutes reading the email, I feel like I'm on top of the world. After I read it, I don't want to close it, but soon enough, I realize that it's nothing more than an email that someone once sent me a long long time ago. They've probably forgotten about it, but it always gives me the feeling of what I presume to be love. That's the feeling that I've been looking for, that's the feeling that I want to feel before ever getting into a relationship because it feels so real, so much like how I think it should feel. Although I know it won't ever come to me with first impressions anymore, I want to at least have the idea that maybe, maybe it'll have the possibility of growing into that. So far, it hasn't even came close. I dunno, I'm probably thinking too much about it like I always do. It's okay though...this is something that I want to be thinking a lot about...it makes me happy. Even though it's no longer part of my present life, it's something that I appreciate to the bottom of my heart. It's something that I want to keep for as long as I can...it's part of my memories and something that made me into who I am now. It makes me happy...it makes me feel love and feel loved...even if it's for a few moments at a time.