Going Back

Today's January 29, 2008...My dear friend Hadi has turned 17. I wish him an extremely happy birthday and all the best to him in the years to come.

As a response to Hadi's comment on my last post...Arigato gosaimas Hadi-san...Demo, boku wa yowaii...Gomenasai

Well...Back to school tomorrow...On the one hand, I didn't do shit this break so I'm completely fucked for my Extended Essay...On the other hand...Nope, there's no other hand. *sigH* All I can say is...150 days left and it just seems the days are getting longer and longer...

Nothing else to say...Peace v-.-
Secret #14: It hurt a lot more than I imagined...Move on Jak..Move on...

Trapped

First thing's first...Yesterday was McArthur's birthday, so I wanna say a big "Happy 18th" to my friend. Good guy.

Last couple of weeks have been decently peaceful...I thought everything was going pretty well until a few days ago when I heard his name. It was like a cold hand had slapped me back into reality and I realized that things haven't changed much at all -.-''.

There are these times, like yesterday, where I wanna just go to someone and pour my heart out because it feels so damn frustrating keeping all these things inside, but as I go through each one of my friends that I seem to trust...From Hadi to Du, from Lee to Ahmad, I can't seem to bring myself to do so. With each face that runs through my mind, it just feels as if I've contained myself through my unwillingness to trust. It seems that between each one of these people, there's a barrier of some sort that stops me in my tracks as I approach them. As I walk towards these people, I face these barriers and can't overcome them.

When things like this happened before, I'd always turn to one person that I seem to be able to relate to like no other. One that seem to live my life through her own experiences, but now I can't seem to even have the courage nor the will to approach Fang. It seems that our lives were intertwined, but never connected because of all the physical distance that's been put between us. I don't know if we'll ever be able to see each other again and University seems like it's the last opportunity to do so. I'm pretty sure I will be able to get in UT, but it's the matter of cost that will impact my decision in the end. I have no way of reaching her...No more initiative to approach her because every time I find that comforting feeling when I'm with her, it's taken away from me...Faster than I could ever imagine.

Often I question what I am doing here...Everyday going through the same thing to what purpose? I think living is to find a purpose...Everyone wants a purpose and people obtain those purposes through something or someone they're passionate about...Then they feel they belong...They are meant to be part of this huge world. Recently I have lost all motivation to find my purpose. Unlike Hadi, who has his passion for computers or Lee with her passion for skiing, I realized I don't have a passion for anything. I though music was one of my passions, but I've realized that I can't sing...I guess I've known this all along...My voice is too weak and my vocals are too limited. Badminton, you might say was another passion of mine...What happened to that Jak? Again, I lost motivation to continue...For the past 8 months of my life, I've practiced so hard, but even so, I can't pull through with a win, even in the school intramural, so what are the chances of me placing in the city? I've always had a knack to overcome adversity, but lately, I'm just too tired and too fed up with failure to continue.

School's pointless...When I started High School I wanted to restart my life...Things still didn't turn out my way and now in University, I think to myself that I can do so again...That's why I didn't apply to Calgary...To move away from everyone else, start new...Again. But as I think about it...The more it seems that things will turn out the exact same...I don't see a point of doing anything. Since grade 8, I developed the idea that I'm not afraid of dying...I don't look at dying as a big deal...And that still applies today, but with an addition...I am afraid of being something after dying...I'm afraid that I'll have to "live" in some sort of manner again...Sometimes, it feels all like a dream. When I look around I wonder if suddenly I'll be able to snap out of the dream and come back to reality, but then I realize I am in reality...I think I've trapped myself in a cage...A box...A safe...With no purpose, no motivation and no energy to do anything...So for the first time in many years...God, please help me...I don't know what to do.

Roger Federer

After watching a 5 hour game last night with the defending Australian Open Champion struggling in the 3rd Round, I wanted to post this as soon as possible. Unfortunately, at 3:30AM, I was barely able to drag myself up the stairs to bed, let alone actually posting something.

What can I say, the great Federer is a legend. Ranked number one, winning 12 Majors, appearing in 10 consecutive major finals, the list goes on. But last night, he showed that he was indeed human. Losing the first set of the match 6-7, in a tie break against a 49th ranked player Tipsarevic, he was barely able to pull himself back to even at the second set winning it 7-6 in a tie break. Throughout the whole match, you would think the world number one was about to pull away any moment, but when he dropped the third set 5-7, all seemed gloom. He was down 2 sets to 1 and his opponent was pulling magic from his racket with every shot. Surprisingly, Federer was able to pull himself together (or Tipsarevic just broke down) in the fourth and Federer was, once again, able to pull himself back into the game with a 6-1 victory in the fourth. The game went into five sets, where the two seemed completely even. With the score tied at 8-8, Tipsarevic serving at 40-0, Federer rallied consecutive points to bring himself to a break point. Finally converting on a break point (5 of 21), Federer finally served the game out winning the fifth set at 10-8.

To think that this nobody was able to push Federer so far when, for the past 4 years, Federer has been playing on a level of his own. Truly epic. Watching this match, I have even greater respect for the "King of the Swings". To have the mental ability to not give up after 4 hours and 30 minutes of playing...To have the composure to control his nerves at the very end, truly is amazing. His determination is truly admirable. Last night, he was not the great Federer, but just another playing wailing his way through a match, but he was able to do so. It just shows how much self believe can bring out of people. "If you want something, go for it. Period." This gave me new hope in people in general. As long as you want it, whatever it is, just keep at it, work on it, don't let down, don't give up, and eventually the hard work will pay off. I have learned a lot from the match last night and I hope that everyone can learn something from this little post. Be strong, avoid temptation, believe in yourself and never, EVER give up. I'm sure Federer builds his self belief through the millions of fans that he has, but as long as there's even one person that believes in you, it should be enough to carry you through anything. As long as you do your best, give it your all, I won't be disappointed and neither should you.

Okay, that's about all for today. Gotta get myself to do some university applications and shit around for a day. Until next time...Later days =P.
Secret #13: Although I still have doubts, I believe you can do it.

Breathe

Phew, freaking done exams for a while...Also the IA is outta the way. Feels good...Gonna have a couple of days to relax before going ape shit on my EE v.v''.

So...Exams were pre...Ah fuck it, they're done!

I went to work today...A lady tried to pay me in "pence"...Wtf? Do I have an English accent? Do you see people running around in tall hats drinking tea? "Pardon me madam, but you're a bloody chocolate bar dipped in vanilla icing." Did that make sense? Yea, neither did the lady. Freaking idiots these days....Pence...The fuck?...Have to admit, it was pretty funny..."Oh...You mean that's not a dime?" No shit lady, it says "five pence" right on the coin! I know they can be easily mistaken by their size, but you were rummaging through your little purse trying to find change...If I'm not wrong, I think the possibility of you randomly choosing a dime is great than a pence...Just putting it out there, ya know?

On another note, my hands hurt...Spurts of needle prickling pain...It'll go away right? Yes...Must be something I ate >.>.

So tomorrow is gonna be the last day before exam break...Can't wait, it'll be a nice rest...right after the other rest that we just had...Yes I'm a lazy bugger and proud of it.

Can't stop looking over...Stop Jak...Control yourself...*Zen*

Okay, that's enough for now...Wow...Just read it over...What a bunch of random bullshit. Interesting...Enjoy ladies and gents; until next time...Later days =P.
Secret #12: I wonder if she thinks about me as much as I do her...

Dreams to Reality

Been feeling like posting something recently and I guess today's the day. Things have been okay recently. There are a lot of things that I should be happy about, but I'm not sure if I'm getting the feeling of "happiness". Talked to Ahmad about it yesterday and no matter how much I think about it, everything is just..."Pretty okay".

Recently, I've decided that I wanted one of my closest friends back in my life. For so long I haven't spoken to her and slowly, I'm beginning to have more and more faith in her again. She told me that she will do something and those words keep repeating over and over again in my head. I want, so desperately, for her to make those words come true. I can honestly say now that I believe she can, but none of this matters unless she believes in it too. My wise manager said to me, "People can only change if they want to change." and I agree completely except I have to add, "People will only want to change if they have a reason to change." I think she's gone through enough crap since the day I met her and I think she wants to change for herself...But I can't help but hope that she will do this because somewhere, in the back of her mind, I'm also one of those reasons.

I hung out with her today...For an hour or so. It was refreshing, to say the least. Even after everything that's happened, I still feel most comfortable around her. I notice this, especially during silences, when I don't feel like I have to say anything at all...Haha...I remember talking to Ahmad about being comfortable enough with people that those silences are not so awkward...I guess I finally can understand that feeling. Afterwards, I went KTV with Du, Piao and Cheung. It was pretty fun...Du can sing really well. I hope she can gain more confidence with her singing through this experience. She has really nice vocals and it'd be a shame if she kept it all to herself. It was really nice hanging out with Du though. For once we weren't constantly arguing about everything, but rather, just having fun...

I spent today with two people that are somewhat complete opposites of each other, but both are very important in my life...I told them both that I was moving...I'll never forget how Du reacted...She got angry at me like in Japanese Animes. I've been reading a lot of manga lately so...I guess it's affected me a little bit, but none the less...It was adorable. The other response was also extremely memorable...It was like one of my day dreams coming true...The two of us sat by the frozen lake chatting and when I mentioned that I was moving, we sat there in silence for a while until she asked, "back to China?" In those few moments, I felt as if there were only two of us in the world and only that moment mattered. I never felt something so dream like...Of course I had to tell them that I was just moving houses and not actually "away". But I do want to, to some extent...About 5 - 6 months of school left...How am I going to say goodbye to these people...How am I going to be okay with it...I don't want to think about the future, but this is where I'm at right now...

Ah well...It's late and I think I'm gonna go...Do something...So, until next time...Later days =P.
Secret#11: My little sister...Not my baby sister, but my little sister...I hope she's alright.

Badminton Lessons End

Today was my last badminton lesson. I think I've improved a little through the past 20 lessons and I'm not going to continue because the season is about to start and I really just want to rest for now...Relax a little bit. Good luck to all those who are going to continue and might start. The coach is good, but just remember to practice your footworks because he doesn't teach you that =P.

Anyway, taking these lessons is probably a big reason for me making it to the finals in the badminton intramural. Play tomorrow and I hope the game I play will at least be close if I don't win...

I wanted to put a couple of songs from Beck up and dedicate them to my little sisters, but I'll leave it to another day as I'm tired as fuck and need to do some damn homework...Fucking school. Anyway, until next time...Later days =P.
Secret#10: She looked so lonely today...Still can't help look over and think talking to my little sister...

Dandelion's Promise

Taking a short break from homework...Nice guitar cover I found for one of the most relaxing songs ever. You're gonna have to scroll down the list to see it (for those logically challenged).

"The promise that's grown with me,
How I treasure the eternal past with you.
But I can't distinguish clearly,
If you are friendship, or the love that never came true."

蒲公英的约定 - 周杰伦
Secret #9: I'll sing this song soon...Along with a few other Dedications.

Braces

Didn't come off today. Don't know when they'll be off....Fucking pissed...Bloody Asians. Need to find someway to cool off...Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
That picture there? That picture is how I feel right now v.v
Secret #8: Saw Ly at downtown today. Heart skipped a beat. She was with someone, didn't notice if it was a guy or a girl because I was so pissed off at my orthodontist.

Audition

What do I do when I have nothing to do?? Play AUDITION! That's right ladies and gents, I play games. It's a pretty sweet game if I do say so myself. People laugh when I say I play it, but hey, it combines my love for dance with my love for games with my love for MUSIC. So why the hell not right?

Okay...I was gonna post a video of myself playing in the game, but my ability to make videos is lets say...NONE AT ALL. I got frustrated with the idiot programs that I was using and deleted everything. Now my hard drive is clean and I'm satisfied. So to show you the awesomeness of the game, I will post a video of what the game is like from Youtube...Damn, I wish I could post something of my own, but...I guess I'll keep trying and hopefully get one of my own up soon. But!! I would like to post a picture of my character because I finally got him some new clothes and now he doesn't look like a wife beater =).

Hmm...I just realized the trailer does nothing that you actually do in the game...Meh, that's okay, it's a good song that goes along with the trailer =P.

Okay...I think that's all for now...Until next time...Later days =P.

Update: I made the movie! So I'm taking off the one on Youtube and putting mine on, w0oot! Hope you guys like it...Took me so freaking long to make this thing, but next time will be faster =P. Yes, it's Hilary Duff, seemed like the only song that you guys would know, besides Jennifer Lopez, (The song sucks) so I decided to make my guy dance to that. Yea yea...Excuses, but guess what...STFU. It's a good song...Hard enough I don't fall asleep, easy enough I didn't miss. Now...All go download the game so I don't have to dance by myself all the time XD.

Secret #7: She said she's going to try to earn my trust back...I guess only time will tell...All the best to her.

New Years Eve/Day

Last night was a night...I'll never forget. For all the wrong reasons. I dunno if I can actually say it. I dunno if I should actually say it, but to begin a new year this way...Was NOT how I imagined things to be like...I'll finish this post later on today...

Later on Today...
Okay...So I'm just back from an extremely boring day of work...Not that I'm complaining because I didn't wanna do shit. We had a budget of $150...We made $230...w0oot. Anyway, yesterday...I don't even know where to begin. I got drunk, I laughed and I cried. Not drunk to the point where I couldn't think for myself, just to the point where I didn't give a shit what came outta my mouth. I dunno how to say this...I dunno if I even want to say it...But all day it's been bugging me. I can't find an answer to my question, "What should I do."

During the mist of everything last night, there was one thing that kept on coming up in my mind. I was wondering how Fang's New Years was going. While out on the deck, I looked up at the stars and wished her a Happy New Years when it turned midnight. Just like this blog in many ways, she has been my sanctuary. Hopefully I'll be able to thank her in person for everything she's done for me. I'm planning to buy tickets in February to go back to Vancouver. Talked to my dad about it and he's surprisingly accepting when I said I wanted to go back to see her. Hopefully, when I go back, she'll be surprised, somewhat happy and most of all, not be disappointed in the person that I've become...(I had to add this somewhere okay! Screw you all for judging the coherency of my posts.)

To be honest, there hasn't been one day from these past few months that I haven't thought of Lee's well-being. My heart cringes at every frown and my body stiffens with every sigh. I look on from a distance, hoping against all hope that she'll be okay, fully knowing what the right thing for me to do is...To be selfish...To think about what "I" want for once. Through these few months, I've built up a barrier...To avoid any hurt, to avoid any CHANCE of being hurt and last night when I saw the tears, it was as if everything didn't matter anymore...The barrier that I've worked so hard to build broke down and I had to embrace her until I knew she was going to be okay. I held her with my eyes closed...My heart slowed down...Disregarding all that she was saying, cutting off everything from the outside world, I just took her in my arms, stroked her hair and hoped that this gesture of mine...This tiny little gesture could bring her back to reality, calm her down so that she'd be alright.

I did it, knowing it was the right thing to do. My heart melted at the sight and the promise that I made to her so long ago seemed to be top priority at that moment. I didn't care what would happen, I just needed to see her happy again. When I let her go, I stood there and watched while others continued to comfort her. As long as there are people there for her, I just need to watch from off the distance...Far away because I don't want to get hurt again. Bedet said something last night that struck me like a bolt of lightning, "I know you love her Jak, You know you do and I know you don't want to, but you do." I'm not sure if that's the exact quote, but that's what stuck with me. It befuddled me to think that I had feelings like this because the fact is that I can't love her. How can I love someone that don't feel the same back? Despite all the apologies and words, I know that I have to move on. I know I have to rid myself of these feelings because I finally realized that I can't win her love anymore. I think I need to let go so that she'll be able to grow without being afraid to, look forward without looking back...As do I. (Okay being sidetracked) Sometimes I wonder what she wants...I wonder if maybe one day she'll approach me and just let everything out in a big, emotional, blow out. (Was that a sidetrack? Hmm...Wtf I talk to myself a lot.) Maybe a few years from now...She'll know that my feelings towards her were/is real and no matter how many mistakes she made, how many times I got hurt because of her actions, that I always did forgive her, had faith in her because I know that she's a good person.

Talking to my co-worker today, I learned that this experience will forever be with me. An experience, a scar that I will always treasure...I know now that I won't be able to forget her...I know now that my countdown to the end of the school year (177) will probably mean nothing. But in desperate hopes of my life (relationship/friends part) will turn around, I do this. And maybe, just maybe, I can love someone that loves me back for who I am and will do anything to keep me by their side, just as I will do for them...