New Years Eve/Day

Last night was a night...I'll never forget. For all the wrong reasons. I dunno if I can actually say it. I dunno if I should actually say it, but to begin a new year this way...Was NOT how I imagined things to be like...I'll finish this post later on today...

Later on Today...
Okay...So I'm just back from an extremely boring day of work...Not that I'm complaining because I didn't wanna do shit. We had a budget of $150...We made $230...w0oot. Anyway, yesterday...I don't even know where to begin. I got drunk, I laughed and I cried. Not drunk to the point where I couldn't think for myself, just to the point where I didn't give a shit what came outta my mouth. I dunno how to say this...I dunno if I even want to say it...But all day it's been bugging me. I can't find an answer to my question, "What should I do."

During the mist of everything last night, there was one thing that kept on coming up in my mind. I was wondering how Fang's New Years was going. While out on the deck, I looked up at the stars and wished her a Happy New Years when it turned midnight. Just like this blog in many ways, she has been my sanctuary. Hopefully I'll be able to thank her in person for everything she's done for me. I'm planning to buy tickets in February to go back to Vancouver. Talked to my dad about it and he's surprisingly accepting when I said I wanted to go back to see her. Hopefully, when I go back, she'll be surprised, somewhat happy and most of all, not be disappointed in the person that I've become...(I had to add this somewhere okay! Screw you all for judging the coherency of my posts.)

To be honest, there hasn't been one day from these past few months that I haven't thought of Lee's well-being. My heart cringes at every frown and my body stiffens with every sigh. I look on from a distance, hoping against all hope that she'll be okay, fully knowing what the right thing for me to do is...To be selfish...To think about what "I" want for once. Through these few months, I've built up a barrier...To avoid any hurt, to avoid any CHANCE of being hurt and last night when I saw the tears, it was as if everything didn't matter anymore...The barrier that I've worked so hard to build broke down and I had to embrace her until I knew she was going to be okay. I held her with my eyes closed...My heart slowed down...Disregarding all that she was saying, cutting off everything from the outside world, I just took her in my arms, stroked her hair and hoped that this gesture of mine...This tiny little gesture could bring her back to reality, calm her down so that she'd be alright.

I did it, knowing it was the right thing to do. My heart melted at the sight and the promise that I made to her so long ago seemed to be top priority at that moment. I didn't care what would happen, I just needed to see her happy again. When I let her go, I stood there and watched while others continued to comfort her. As long as there are people there for her, I just need to watch from off the distance...Far away because I don't want to get hurt again. Bedet said something last night that struck me like a bolt of lightning, "I know you love her Jak, You know you do and I know you don't want to, but you do." I'm not sure if that's the exact quote, but that's what stuck with me. It befuddled me to think that I had feelings like this because the fact is that I can't love her. How can I love someone that don't feel the same back? Despite all the apologies and words, I know that I have to move on. I know I have to rid myself of these feelings because I finally realized that I can't win her love anymore. I think I need to let go so that she'll be able to grow without being afraid to, look forward without looking back...As do I. (Okay being sidetracked) Sometimes I wonder what she wants...I wonder if maybe one day she'll approach me and just let everything out in a big, emotional, blow out. (Was that a sidetrack? Hmm...Wtf I talk to myself a lot.) Maybe a few years from now...She'll know that my feelings towards her were/is real and no matter how many mistakes she made, how many times I got hurt because of her actions, that I always did forgive her, had faith in her because I know that she's a good person.

Talking to my co-worker today, I learned that this experience will forever be with me. An experience, a scar that I will always treasure...I know now that I won't be able to forget her...I know now that my countdown to the end of the school year (177) will probably mean nothing. But in desperate hopes of my life (relationship/friends part) will turn around, I do this. And maybe, just maybe, I can love someone that loves me back for who I am and will do anything to keep me by their side, just as I will do for them...