First thing's first...Yesterday was McArthur's birthday, so I wanna say a big "Happy 18th" to my friend. Good guy.Last couple of weeks have been decently peaceful...I thought everything was going pretty well until a few days ago when I heard his name. It was like a cold hand had slapped me back into reality and I realized that things haven't changed much at all -.-''.
There are these times, like yesterday, where I wanna just go to someone and pour my heart out because it feels so damn frustrating keeping all these things inside, but as I go through each one of my friends that I seem to trust...From Hadi to Du, from Lee to Ahmad, I can't seem to bring myself to do so. With each face that runs through my mind, it just feels as if I've contained myself through my unwillingness to trust. It seems that between each one of these people, there's a barrier of some sort that stops me in my tracks as I approach them. As I walk towards these people, I face these barriers and can't overcome them.
When things like this happened before, I'd always turn to one person that I seem to be able to relate to like no other. One that seem to live my life through her own experiences, but now I can't seem to even have the courage nor the will to approach Fang. It seems that our lives were intertwined, but never connected because of all the physical distance that's been put between us. I don't know if we'll ever be able to see each other again and University seems like it's the last opportunity to do so. I'm pretty sure I will be able to get in UT, but it's the matter of cost that will impact my decision in the end. I have no way of reaching her...No more initiative to approach her because every time I find that comforting feeling when I'm with her, it's taken away from me...Faster than I could ever imagine.
Often I question what I am doing here...Everyday going through the same thing to what purpose? I think living is to find a purpose...Everyone wants a purpose and people obtain those purposes through something or someone they're passionate about...Then they feel they belong...They are meant to be part of this huge world. Recently I have lost all motivation to find my purpose. Unlike Hadi, who has his passion for computers or Lee with her passion for skiing, I realized I don't have a passion for anything. I though music was one of my passions, but I've realized that I can't sing...I guess I've known this all along...My voice is too weak and my vocals are too limited. Badminton, you might say was another passion of mine...What happened to that Jak? Again, I lost motivation to continue...For the past 8 months of my life, I've practiced so hard, but even so, I can't pull through with a win, even in the school intramural, so what are the chances of me placing in the city? I've always had a knack to overcome adversity, but lately, I'm just too tired and too fed up with failure to continue.
School's pointless...When I started High School I wanted to restart my life...Things still didn't turn out my way and now in University, I think to myself that I can do so again...That's why I didn't apply to Calgary...To move away from everyone else, start new...Again. But as I think about it...The more it seems that things will turn out the exact same...I don't see a point of doing anything. Since grade 8, I developed the idea that I'm not afraid of dying...I don't look at dying as a big deal...And that still applies today, but with an addition...I am afraid of being something after dying...I'm afraid that I'll have to "live" in some sort of manner again...Sometimes, it feels all like a dream. When I look around I wonder if suddenly I'll be able to snap out of the dream and come back to reality, but then I realize I am in reality...I think I've trapped myself in a cage...A box...A safe...With no purpose, no motivation and no energy to do anything...So for the first time in many years...God, please help me...I don't know what to do.
1 comment:
Oy. Let's make a list.
1) Death. We can't all worry about what will come, and what will come to be. Not even cemeteries take reservations this early. To be faced with the burden that you are going to die and be reincarnated is a large one at that, but one that, even the largest religious officials dispute. Whether it be your karma, your sins, or how much money you devoted to Elron Hubbard, there's no definition on what you will be, or EVEN IF you will be something. I say grab life by the horns, but regarding this, the horns aren't even within the borders of the solar system nor is the music even near to face. Your death is eventual, but there's something called life in between now and then. Whatever definition you decide to make for death, is something not definite and final. There is time to ponder. And know this. When it does come, you will know.
2) Passion and motivations. Ok. So we're being led astray by a solitary hand from the shadows. I can see where you're coming from. You have passions, that's undeniable. You have confidence. That's in question. You say you've lost your passion for music. Fine. But you need to realize what you're giving up. No more spending time in your room, recording one song over and over again, just to make it right. No more sitting in French class, singing quietly to yourself, for that one song you like. Are you willing to give those things up? The magnitude on your life of giving up something on a whim, is enormous. Things need to be thought through. Of course, hobbies and success are not equated to each other all the time. We all fail. We all need to improve. So our boat down the river, is no different than yours. If you feel your voice is too quiet, then sing louder. Sing to your max. Sing at that tone. And then, if need be, up that again. We all grow in skill. Some are born with talent. Most, work for it. Pavarotti didn't start with a voice that could echo through concert halls. He started as a baker's son, who mildly hummed to his fathers purchased recordings.
Like I said, success isn't also evident. Success is relative. So you lost. Clearly not a success. However, to make it to the point you were at, you had to do something. Was it not win? Win multiple times? Win a huge amount? I'd say so. It's not easy having failure. No one likes it. No one likes getting shitty marks, or breaking something, or losing games. Hell, I get angry if I accidentally kill Mewtwo if I'm trying to use an Ultra Ball to catch him. But if you think that my analogy doesn't apply, think again. While most would turn off the Gameboy and retry, I realized I didn't save. Go me. So what did I do? I carried on. Because of the lack of Mewtwo in my party, and the lack of a good psychic, I had to strength my other Pokemon. Likewise. Just because you lost an intermural game doesn't mean that you're gonna lose every other game you play. The more you abhor over losses, the more you don't practice. And the more you don't want to play. Look how far 8 months of practice has gotten you. Think of how much another 3 will.
We all have our downs. I've had my extensive failures at written C++, to the point where I did give up. I'm sure our good skier friend has had her nasty spills. We all fail. No one is perfect. Beethoven was a drunk. Lebron James just lost against the Suns and obliterated a garbage can. Bret Farve threw the ball into multiple coverage zones. See what I'm getting at? These people are legends, and they fail. So you fail, and inversely, you are on your way to becoming a legend.
3) Do what you wanted to do. Go to Vancouver over the Spring Break.
Daisy daisy/give me your answer do/I'm half crazy/all for the love of you...
4) What you are willing to tell people is your own personal defense. If you are so on the intent of releasing your emotions, then you have to want to. You well know that none of the listed above will slander or intimidate you, and all will lend an ear. I can't give you a speech on what these barriers are, because only you yourself know what they are. So, just remember that we all are willing to help and that while you can't give an outpour today, if tomorrow is the day you will, we'll still be here.
If things don't change, things don't change. If things don't need to change, then there's no worry. Just because there has been no change, doesn't mean that it's a bad thing.
There may be more to say, but I can't dredge it up, so this hopefully antagonize you much.
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