Hawk Eye

As the first semester of my university life come to a close, I'm still trying to cram the seemingly endless textbook into my little brain...finals are almost over. I don't think I learned that much this semester actually...didn't feel like working that much...made a few new friends and stayed awake in most of my classes. The only class I managed to go every class was physics...mainly because of the cool demos that the prof did. I hope that somehow I get my ability to work back...or started...it'll be a really annoying 4 years if I don't. There's not been much going on in my head besides one thing really...I've been talking about it a lot and it seems like I still discover new things with each event.

She left for holidays a few days ago...I didn't want her to go...but just like many things in this world that I want, but can't have, she went on the bus and flew off to the distant country to enjoy the holidays. Before she left, I got her a little gift...it was the first Christmas that I actually wanted to get a gift for someone. I thought about what to give her for many days before I decided that I couldn't think of anything that'll be amazing so I got her something that she wanted for maybe 10 minutes of her life =P. Those damn little things were harder to find than I had expected too...after asking around and walking aimlessly down Queen Street, I managed to find my destination at "Magic Pony"...yea, sounds awesome doesn't it. None the less, I was very happy that I found it. Got her a little card and wrapped the present for her. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I actually wrapped a gift. With the help of youtube, nothing's impossible =). I wanted it to look nice at least hehe. Anyway, I gave it to her before she left and I was happy to see her smile.

After she left, I went home and slept before going to my test...it was snowing that day and as I walked home from my exam, I looked up at the snow just like the little penguin on my card, wondering where she was at that moment...wondering if she was sleeping, or shopping, or just relaxing. As I walked, I thought about the times that I got her little things, to surprise her, to cheer her up, to do whatever...and when I thought about it, it made me a little bit sad. Before, I thought that a couple of big gestures once in a while can mean a lot...then I thought many little things all the time might be better than a few big things...then I came to the conclusion that many big things would probably be better than all of that right? makes sense...except I can't give big things all the time...spending my parents' money wouldn't be very...what's the word...whole hearted I guess. As I thought about this, I realized that I wouldn't be a very good boyfriend at my current state...hell, I'm not even a very good friend. But as of these couple of months, I've been trying to do more...but it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I actually wanted to do more. Whether it was big or small, I'd do anything and everything...of course, putting yourself out there, you would expect to be hurt right? and yea, I've been hurting pretty much every step of the way and it was during that little stroll in the snow that I realized why it hurt so much. It hurt because I knew that no matter how many things I do for her, it wouldn't make her 1/10th as happy as if it was from someone that she liked. It was this realization that made everything click. She always has guys looking out for her, doing things for her and I think that to her, I'm just like every other guy that has come and gone. She's told me that she cares and I believe her as a friend, but as something more, I'm just another guy that's missing something. It's this feeling that hurts so much...it makes me want to give up because sometimes, I just can't take it, but then whenever I see her smile again, a rush of endorphines keep me from giving up...it makes me happy.

For as long as I feel this way, I'll do whatever comes to my mind...this way, I'll have no regrets. Everytime she leaves, it feels like it'll be the last time I'll be able to see her because the first time she left, it was 6 years before I saw her again...I don't want to wait that long ever again while regretting every moment that I didn't do something more while I had the chance. It's scary sometimes, how when I wake up in the morning, I think to myself if she's awake yet and when I go to sleep at night, I wonder if she's in bed too. I hope that this feeling that I have isn't a phase...my roommate often tells me that he's gone through it and it'll be okay...but he doesn't really know everything and I don't think he's had a relationship with anyone for such a long time and still managed to somehow be part of their lives. She means the world to me...and I'd do anything to make her happy...even if it means never being loved back the same way because in the end, her happiness will make me happier than getting what I want.
Secret #44: I miss you...more than I ever imagined.

Everything Flows Nothing Stands

*sigH* another late night...I should be studying for my relativity final tomorrow, but I guess I'm just not in the mood to study these days. Good thing in some senses, not so good in others =P. A lot of things on my mind...don't really know how to put it in words anymore. It'll probably sound stupid written out, but in my mind, it makes sense. I guess let me start with the question, "would you do something for someone if you don't get anything back in return?"

Self sacrifice....some people call it nobility, some people call it stupidity. Some people are scared of it, some people thrive on it. I never really understood it fully. Why would anyone do something if they knew nothing will come of it? Humans ultimately live for survival and if what they're doing has nothing benefiting for their survival, what's the point of doing it? I've always asked myself that...what's the point of doing something, doing anything? is it for self discovery? knowledge? I've always thought there had to be a base purpose for doing something that ultimately made the person doing ANYTHING happy...or at least, void of pain.

Before, everything for me had to be rational. If I was going to put myself out there, if I was going to make myself vulnerable, I had to have reasoning behind it. Whether the reasoning made sense to everyone, that doesn't matter, but at least I knew what I expected before doing anything...I played it safe...to avoid anything that might even slightly grow emotional attachment with me. To this day, I still do many of these things...I find it hard to actually say what I mean...(not including on this blog) and when I do say it, many times I wish I hadn't. The point of the matter is, I think recently, rationality has slowly integrated away from my decision making process...especially when it comes to doing something for someone. Something's making me want to do it despite the consequences...something's making me step out of my comfort zone and do things I'd never though I would do.

How do I know this? the answer is simple...so many of the things that I do now, have become reality where as before, it all played in my head. I'd imagine everything and I'd do everything in my head for someone that I cared about. The saying, "it's the thought that counts."...I find it lacking another part...which is "...if the actions reflect those thoughts." You can be thinking about someone all day. You can imagine endless situations and scenarios that would be perfect, but the point of the matter is that if you don't let them know by demonstrating it with actions, they'll never know and all that wonderful "thought" is just another process of chemical reactions in your brain.

I still don't do anything for anyone...not at all, but to some extent, I do everything I can for someone, but I don't expect anything in return...or rather, I expect nothing in return. I expect to get hurt, I expect that some things work out, but I don't expect the person to do anything that they don't want. Unfortunately for me, what they don't want to do, is what I want them to do. Quite the dilema right? No...not really. For the first time, I'm acting out my thoughts. Everytime I think of something that might make the person a little bit happier, I would do it. Everytime I do it, my heart starts racing like it's going to pop out of my chest because I'm scared. I'm scared that the person won't like it, I'm scared that things won't be as I imagined, I'm scared that all that I'm doing is for nothing, I'm scared of the pain, but I do it regardless because in the end, there is a possibility that the person will like it, there is a possibility that it will go as I imagined and there is a possiblity that a smile will result from all this. To be honest, I don't think I can do this type of thing for many people because it takes its toll on my heart...but for one person...I think I can handle it. Although I do all these things, everytime I remind myself that things might not work out the way I planned and today was the first time that it didn't work the way I planned.

Prior to today, things worked as I imagined...I acted on instinct, did whatever poped into my mind, didn't plan it, didn't think too much about it, just went with it and things worked out. I was really happy that I can provide some sort of joy into the person's life and everytime, it made my day. Although I expected things to not work out eventually at least once or twice, the fact that things didn't work out today made me really sad. I mean, it's not anyone's fault, there was nothing I could do...life isn't fair and I accept that, but the significant part of this is that I felt hurt. Even though I knew I would get hurt going into this, the hurt felt so real when it actually hit me. I was walking home from the unfortunate event and I felt the very thing I was trying to avoid all these years...disappointment from caring so much. I think it's a good thing though...it made me feel kind of alive again, like I do care about something...like there's something worth being hurt about. Even though it hurt, I know that if it did work out, the person would be a little happier and that's all I want from this...because truly it affects me a lot. When the person is sad, I'd be sad. When the person is happy, I'd be happy...

I no longer live in my little world anymore...instead, I'm bringing my little world out so that it can mix with the reality that I now live in. I know I'm going to get hurt, but at the same time, I know I'll be happier than I've ever been before. I expect nothing in return...besides the occassional smile. In life, the lucky few gets what they want in return for what they do. The majority takes and takes and never gives back. Then there are the ones that never gets what they want, but keeps on trying. I don't find myself to be in a bad situation nor do I pity myself. I've accepted the fact that sometimes the love for someone can't be reciprocated, but it's the fact that I feel this way even though I've accepted this that makes me keep on doing these things because I know if I'm still willing to keep on going after getting hurt, it means that what I feel and what I do mean something...perhaps something real =).

What to do?

When you discover a piece of heaven at your doorstep?

Look around until you see the angel that dropped it and say thank you =).

To Love...IS Hard

This is my 100th post...and it's pretty damn fitting for what I want to talk about. The past few days has gone by like a hurricane. It feels like everything's changed so fast and I'm living in a different time. I know it shouldn't affect me this much, but the intake of information, the explosion of feelings and the realization that loving someone is in fact a difficult thing, albeit also very amazing was a whirlwind for me.

After a fun night of not doing homework I found out something that made a huge impact on me. Why it did so much to me still mesmerizes me, but I'm glad it did. When I heard about it, I didn't know what to feel. It was as if a giant mixture of sadness and happiness was put in a pot and someone kept on swirling the mixture although it was as much saturated as it could get. I felt happy for myself for some odd reason that I didn't fully realize until that night and I felt sad for the one that told me the news...at first, the sadness took over me.

I didn't know what to think...I didn't know what to say...all I knew was that I need to be there for her and by being there for her, I'd be doing a favor for myself. We walked and talked and walked some more and talked some more and every time I saw the tiny water droplets stream down the side of her cheek, it felt as if someone had my heart in their hands and squeezed it a little harder. It was excruciatingly painful, but at the same time, I was happy because I felt something that night. I felt for the first time how much I really care about this girl. I felt like if there was anything I could do, anything, no matter how painful it might be, just to bring the smile back onto her face, I would do it. That night made me realize how I really felt...some how, all the feelings that I brushed aside time after time all came to me at once and during those few hours, I concluded that from this point on, I will do whatever I can to see her smile. It doesn't matter if I have a piles of homework or a bunch of tests, if she needs me to be somewhere, I'll be there. It sounds weird right?...it still does to me. How can someone sacrifice themselves so much if there isn't anything in return? How can someone give and give, but expect nothing in return? you see...that's where the thin line between doing something selfishly and doing something for love lies. Most of the time, people do things for other people, could be someone they like, in order to get that same feeling back. In order to feel like someone important. It was what I wanted for the longest time. But now, I don't need to get anything back because it doesn't matter if she can't return what I give it at the same time it doesn't matter what she does or how she does it, as long as I see her smile and as long as I'm around her, I feel happy. You might say that I'm just exaggerating like I always do right? fair point. But this time, it's different. It feels different because along with the feeling of happiness that comes with me, there's always a sense of pain attached to it. This part of my discovery was shown to me yesterday...

After a long day, we went to eat. When I was there eating beside her, it felt different...I saw the look in her eyes and the attention that she had...it was in a different world. It's something that I could never give her at this point, but it was the most satisfied, most happy I've seen her all day. She looked calmer, she looked at peace. When I saw this, it felt so painful because I couldn't give her this, but at the same time, it made me happy because I felt that she was happy too. Whether it was just remembering something in the past or being there at that moment, it make her smile...one of those sincere smiles that she didn't think anyone else could see...perhaps it's arrogant of me to say this because I'm not her, but it felt right. After dinner, although I wanted her to feel like that around me, I know that at this point in life, she wouldn't be able to bring herself to do so. So I told her, "If you find something that makes you happy, grab on to it no matter what happens." I meant it when I said this, but the moment that those words came out of my mouth, once again, it felt like someone just took my heart and started torturing it to no end, but it made me happy because I know that she wants that too...we talked some more and the more we talked, the more I felt like I was getting to finally know her better. Maybe it was me trying to hide from reality before, but now I can see everything so vividly...it's no longer an illusion.

I think about her all the time...I worry about her all the time...I wonder if she's smiling and when I miss her, I press a button on my cell phone and see the smile on her face...for a little while, the worry disappears. Right now, I can't concentrate on anything...just yesterday, I had a test, but the whole time, whether it was preparing for it, or actually doing it, it felt like it didn't matter at all. I know it shouldn't be like this right now, but for as long as she's not okay with something or another, her well being will be at the top of my priority list. Until she's okay again, school can come second.

No more lying to myself, no more avoiding what's reality when reality doesn't favor what I want. I've learned so much about who I am these few days...I've learned so much about what love is these days and one thing I can assure you is that love IS indeed very difficult because "love is one sided" and the trick to that statement is that...the one-sidedness shouldn't stop you from loving someone and it's not going to stop me anymore. If what I feel ever disappears, I'll accept it, but as of right now, I've accepted how I feel and no matter what anyone else thinks, I'm happy when I see her even if I have to deal with 10 folds worth of pain and hurt...because I know it's real. Finally I have a reason to do things that I would never do before...finally I have the motivation to get up in the morning...I see my purpose...do you?
Secret #43: Thank you...for being alive and a part of my life. 你是我的初恋

To Love...is Hard?

First thing's first...still haven't fixed the music...I'll get on it soon...soon as in probably when I get back to Calgary =P.

Anyway, life's been alright lately. I've been hanging out with people I want to hang out with a lot more so things seem to be better. The little gestures...whether it's giving me a call to whine about a test or to ask me for some advice about anything...it all makes me feel better inside. At the same time, I'd want to do things back that really aren't necessary. For a friend...for someone I care about...I think I'm putting some sort of effort into showing how much I actually care, but is it really suppose to be so difficult? Obviously, the reason I do these things is because I want to, but through the process of it all, I have millions of doubts in my mind, telling myself that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, the reality will just put my efforts down into a hole...it's not worth much...to most people, but to some, I hope it's worth a little more. When I ever do anything out of the way for someone, I feel my heart speeding up and I can't come to a conclusion as to why...as i sit in the empty examination hall, I wonder if I made the right choice I constantly think about going back...over and over again....until I see the smile that makes everything settle down...that makes everything worth it. I guess taht's the reward of it all...the smile that one can retain by giving a little of themselves.

"You're incapable of love" a friend told me...and the more I think about it, the more it seems to be true. I don't know why though...maybe it's due to my childhood...maybe it's due to my past experience....but it just seems really hard to put yourself out there for something that may or may not happen. Logically speaking, the lack of a nice childhood and the bad past experiences should be the reason behind my inability to show love, but the more I think about it and the more I hear about it, maybe it's because I'm just in love with someone already...and once I'm in love with a person, I won't actually be able to fall in love again...or maybe love is actually not what one presume it to be. Maybe love isn't the gloriousness that everyone seems to have it dressed up to be. Maybe loving someone is just feeling comfortable around them, being able to get along with them, like spending time with them...all of which not involving having that "particular" feeling that people seems to be looking for all the time. Maybe it isn't. Whatever it may be, I hope that I'll be able to experience it someday...and for now, I can still feel what I think it may be when I go through my email from many many years ago. Hopefully, it'll come to me again...if I try hard enough...it should right? I guess the right person needs to be there too...someone that'll be willing to pull me out of my little world and into something that's seems to be so far away, but yet so close.

Ugh...it's late tonight...I should be going to bed...I'll leave an MV...maybe this is what love is =P.

"...when it comes to things that i really care about and things that i really want to say ...u no things that i actually really mean......i donno.....i just dont know how to put in it words that u would take seriously........yep thats me..."

Maybe things haven't changed that much...
Secret #42: "Did you miss me...?" ...I missed you =).

Appreciation

I really feel like blogging today. It's been a while since I've had such a huge urge and had so much things regarding one topic in general that I wanted to talk about so hopefully, this will lead me to a conclusion of some sorts...yea, most of the time I look for a conclusion when I finish blogging, it helps me think. Well, first thing's first, TURTLES IN TIME IV!! Wow, when I saw Hadi's comment about that, it made me smile for about 5 minutes. Haha, I remember playing it for the first time way back when I lived in Saskatoon, it was sick...how can you ever not enjoy going back old school and owning it up co-op style? It'll be something to look forward to when I get back to Calgary during winter break =P.

Alright, to the main topic now. Appreciation. I think the biggest thing between university and high school is how much closer I was to everyone and how much I thought I was appreciated by just being there by them. Although this assumption may be false, it was the attention that I received from people that made the day go by a little better. I've never noticed it until university because now, no one seems to care. In high school, there were those days where you feel like shit and some person that you didn't really know, but knew well enough to ask what was wrong, came up to you and said those few words of care. It made you feel better because deep down inside, you knew there's someone that would take those few seconds and bother asking because they appreciate your presence in school. Back then, I would just brush it off, thinking it was no big deal. I mean, it isn't a huge deal right? if you saw someone sad, often, it would be the natural thing to ask them what's wrong, but the thing is, even though it is a small gesture, it helps the person by letting them know that they aren't alone in going through whatever they might be going through. It could be just a bad day or it could be something extremely important, but the fact of the matter is that there were those people that looked out for you and noticed that something was wrong. I guess that little bit of attention kept my head up. Thinking back on it, there was always someone there for me...whether it was Ahmad or Du or McArthur or the list can go on and you know who you are, but the point is, I never realized how much their presence and their attention meant to me until now, now that it's gone. I guess the saying is true after all =P. Even though most of the time I wouldn't want to go anywhere or do anything, they'd make me or in McArthur's case, decide for me. I think I'm the type of person that really needs that. I mean I don't really do anything because I don't see a point to it right? so when it feels like someone really wants me there, then I'll be willing to go because it feels like there's a point now. It takes a while to get me to do those stupid things, but thanks for the patience everyone. To be honest, even the little grade 10s and 11s made things a little better. Some of them would be glad to see me once in a while, some of them would actually come look for me for something once in a while, but none the less, to some extent, I guess school made things seem a little better in the end, despite all the shit that seems to cover everything else. To all those that have once upon a time made the effort to try to cheer me up or try to include me in anything, I'd like to say thanks.

Now you'd think there would be a reason for me to think about this right? and of course, there is. I mean people don't just one day wakeup and learn to how to appreciate...there has to be a catch. And if you haven't guessed it by now, it's the fact that I don't really get that kind of attention anymore. No one here knows me that well. No one here bothers with some idiot that doesn't want to do anything so no one tries to convince me to do anything most of the time. And that's okay, I don't mind at all. I mean for those I don't barely know, why should I mind right? and since I didn't want to go in the first place, I'm kind of glad they don't persist. The thing that made me realize the importance of this mutual appreciation is because those that I am close don't show me those gestures now. Who am I close to in university you might ask...well, who else? These few days I kind of realized this. The way that I see her perceive me is basically the same way I think she preceives anyone else. From time to time, she would ask me to do something, but if I say no, it's very rare that she'll try to convince me. She'll probably say "okay" and it'll be the end of it. To me, she's a very important person in my life so I'd do things that I wouldn't do for most people. When was the last time I went anywhere that I really didn't want to go? When was the last time I went out of my way to make anyone happy? All these things I did before because I was at the right place at the right time and they are my friend so naturally I would do it. I never actually pulled myself out from what I was doing and go do something else. But with her, I really did try partly because I did like her and partly because we've known each other for such a long time. But the feeling I get now is that there will always be someone else that'll be doing all these things for her, so in the end, it doesn't really matter who does it. I might have known her for a long time, but I might know about her just as well as any who's met her since school started. As a result of all this, I really don't think I'm of any importance in her life. Especially if I don't get a reminder every once in a while that I am a part of someone's life, that feeling of being someone important just diminishes. I don't blame her for anything and I should be thanking her for making me realize how much I should appreciate the gestures that people show me. It's her perogative, it's her choice. I think now that I'm just another person in her life and I guess that's fine. But the fact that I get this feeling of being just "someone" from her even though I've known her for such a long time makes me pretty sad. It's okay though, what should I expect right? she'll always be my friend, nothing more, nothing less. But the degree of friendship seems to just go down every once in a while...and before you know it, it'll just be surface friends, which has happened many times before to me. It would be a very sad event if it does occur, but what can you do right? I guess I'm the type of person that'll only work for something if I see something in return and since she's the same type of person, haha, it's like a never ending cycle. I really did try in the beginning though...if you know me well, you know that I did try. Even though the things I did wasn't really out there, it's the fact that I actually put some effort into something that defines my way of "trying". *sigH* it's okay...sometimes reality is hard to deal with, but never the less, it is reality and I'll just face it.

On a different note, there's this girl that I know that I've been thinking about. I don't really know what it is, but she just seems to intrigue me. She already has a boyfriend so chillax people. She's really different from me and that's the thing. Usually, when I see how different someone is, it kind of just dies there, but it hasn't stopped yet =P. I dunno, I've talked to her a couple of times and she's pretty cool. She seems...different I suppose. I'm not sure, but yea, just some random facts about my life I guess. It's kind of troubling me...but I'm not gonna do anything about it because well...she has a boyfriend. Come on people, decency is nice once in a while xP. Also, if you haven't watched "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", watch it. It's a pretty good movie and the character that "Jacky" from "The 70's Show" plays (I'm sorry I just don't know her real name and I'm too lazy to look it up) is the type of girl that I would really want to go out with. But yea, good movie, very unpredictable, in a good way. I'd give it a 4.5/5 =).

Alright, I think I've talked enough for today...hope you've all understood my little rant and remember, treating those who are important to you a little more special than other people isn't a bad thing...it just makes them feel appreciated =P. I'll finish off by posting a few songs...that's right, I said a FEW. One's Can't Stop - Red Hot Chili Peppers because Collins sent it to me and I would like to show that I appreciate it =) and it's a pretty good song that I think people would enjoy. The other is 海口 (Hai Kou) - 后弦. I like the melody for this song...yea. The third song is 深深爱过你 (Loved You Deeply) - 薛之谦. The song's pretty repetitive, but I like the lyrics for this one. Yea hopefully, you'll enjoy it and you can find the lyrics here, here and here, for the respective songs xP. Yes...my laziness is awesome. Alright...I'm gonna get back to work now =P. Have a good one everyone...until next time, later days =P.

Edit: Damn it, the Red Hot Chili Pepper's song isn't working because it's in wma format. I'll fit it later don't worry. Also, if anyone knows a site where I can upload stuff, please let me know v.v'' my Google page is pretty much full xP.

Monotony

First thing I wanna say is...I apologize for not putting up a new song in this post. I will soon. There are a few songs that's caught my attention, but just haven't had the time nor energy to put them up xP. Another thing is that it's kind of hard to now that I don't have all the files that's needed to put up songs on this computer so...you know, extra work and Jak just doesn't fit together now a days. Also, thanks Collins for sending me the song and keeping in touch xP. I know I haven't replied, but yea...I've been kinda busy...I apologize.

Alright, so it's been a while since I've put up a decent post so I'll be attempting to do so right now. After a couple of weeks of hardcore homework and exams, I'm finally able to relax a little bit. School has never presented itself so difficult to me and I have never felt so stupid either. For some reason, I just can't break the habit of being lazy, following formulas and actually put some brain power into the questions so I can think outside of the little box that I'm currently in. In class, the pace isn't that fast. I can follow everything, but when it comes to the questions, I don't think my brain works in a way that permits the flow of the smallest bit of intelligence to my conscious, so I would just sit there, staring at the question for hours on end, thinking along the same lines over and over again. And would you be surprised if I told you that this type of thinking is very unproductive? Yea, bet caught you off guard there didn't I. On the other hand, I think I'm slowly getting used to it. It seems like I've been trying so hard to do my best in university so far, but I don't think I've been going at it with the right approach. I've never worried about school. It's like a natural thing that just came to me and I think university will be like that soon. Marks, marks and more marks, that's pretty much what school's about right now. I've never talked so much about school when I'm not in school, it's actually pretty sad, but I guess part of this is also adjusting to a new environment. I guess in the beginning I was just intimidated by all the smart people in my classes and I wanted to be someone who stood out in comparison to the rest. That's something that have always been around the back of my mind. To be able to do something and be good at it. I mean I've always sort of let myself sink into mediocrity and I guess a part of me really wanted to break out of that. After thinking about my efforts vs. outcomes these few days, I think I've finally calmed myself down about the whole thing. I think I'll be able to sink back into the mood where I'll be satisfied with whatever I get. Of course I believe that I can do a lot better than my current situation, but I guess I've just learned that there's no point in rushing it. All it got me was a shit load of frustration that I did not need. I'm not the brightest guy, nor the most hardworking, but I'll do my best and hopefully, I'll be alright with that.

Enough about school, let us talk about some other topic...say social connections. I think I've reached a new level of carefreeness now a days. Maybe it's because I have so much work to do, maybe it's because I just don't want to, but day after day, it seems like I'm getting more and more distant from those that I "care" about. At the same time, I don't feel anything. A little bit of me says that I should care, but a bigger part of me says that they're all to busy to notice anyway. But yes, because of this, I don't feel close to anyone at all now. Some times, after long days at school, I just want to come home to someone that'll treat me like they appreciate the fact that I've busted my ass all day. I guess to some extent, it's the same for everyone so I shouldn't be asking for special treatment. It's kind of sad now a days though...when I'm feeling like shit, I don't talk to anyone about it anymore...yea, even less =P. I don't feel like picking up the phone because there's no one that I can call without feeling like I'm troubling them or wasting their time. I know it's selfish to think like that, but can you really blame me if I feel like no one sees me as a confidant anymore? Before, there were always people that I could turn to because they were willing to come to me when they were in trouble, but now, everyone seems to already have someone they can rely on, so I guess that's what's really stopping me from going to them. It's sad isn't it? I've noticed that I never do anything first...or very rarely. Most of the time, I'm always the one sitting back, waiting for other people to do something. I guess I've never actually seen a point in doing that...or I've never actually cared about something enough to do it first. Yea...I guess when it comes down to it, motivation just has never been a big part of my life. I'm never motivated to do anything and nothing seems to be worth doing if there's no motivation behind it. I wish I could find some sort of motivation though...it'll be nice to finally go for something that I really care about...it'd be nice to actually do something that had some sort of reason behind it. I guess that's something I can look for: a purpose. I don't see the purpose in doing anything and I guess that's not a very good thing either. Man...I'm screwed up xP. Ah well, I guess realizing it is always the first step. I wish I could find that though...it'd be nice.

Alright, there's actually not much going on in my head...the only thing that I keep on constantly thinking about is the email that was sent to me a long long time ago. I remember that day like it was yesterday. When I found out what was going on, I didn't really know what to think back then. The mixture of emotions that went through me was nothing like I've ever experienced. I bascially poured out my heart in that one email and it hasn't been back. I wish it was something more concrete, something more personal, but it was through a little email. It was a long time before I got a reply, but when I did, I felt so special and so worth pouring my heart out despite all the consequences. I got the email about 5 years ago and even now, I revisit it from time to time. When I do read it, word after word seems to put together all the little pieces of care and love that I've given and bring it back to me at an instant and for those couple of minutes reading the email, I feel like I'm on top of the world. After I read it, I don't want to close it, but soon enough, I realize that it's nothing more than an email that someone once sent me a long long time ago. They've probably forgotten about it, but it always gives me the feeling of what I presume to be love. That's the feeling that I've been looking for, that's the feeling that I want to feel before ever getting into a relationship because it feels so real, so much like how I think it should feel. Although I know it won't ever come to me with first impressions anymore, I want to at least have the idea that maybe, maybe it'll have the possibility of growing into that. So far, it hasn't even came close. I dunno, I'm probably thinking too much about it like I always do. It's okay though...this is something that I want to be thinking a lot about...it makes me happy. Even though it's no longer part of my present life, it's something that I appreciate to the bottom of my heart. It's something that I want to keep for as long as I can...it's part of my memories and something that made me into who I am now. It makes me happy...it makes me feel love and feel loved...even if it's for a few moments at a time.