Tug of War

*sigH* Once again my mind is swirling with thoughts that don't want to leave me alone. I was trying to sleep it away, but that was to no avail. Might as well post it now I guess...

Recently, I've been trying to do something different...Getting to know more people, thinking about all the good things that come by and treasuring every moment of it...It hasn't been two weeks and I'm already so tired of trying. I guess some could say I was trying to "fall in love" again, but it occurred to me today that I'm just running away. One of my biggest beliefs is that people should face their difficulties, but I guess I can't always stay true to my belief. The truth is, I'm trying to move on. Trying to put together my life again. Find my way back on the path that I enjoyed traveling on before a giant truck knocked me unconscious. When I woke up, I found myself lost, not knowing what to do. I could remember everything that happened, the good times, the bad times and as I go through my album of memories, often I stumble upon the instant when the truck hit me. It hurts no less now than it did the moment it happened. This is why I want to run away. This is why I want to say, "fuck it" and just leave. One way, I figured, is to put myself into another crowd of people. New people that I wasn't close to so all there would be is fun and laughs and I wouldn't be reminded of the past. Then I went one step further than I should have...I tried to satisfy the emptiness in my heart and it was exciting when it first happened. The sense of the unknown, the element of surprise made me forget. I would have liked this to continue forever...But as I got involved more and more, I realized what I was getting myself into...The same thing, the same cycle...At that moment, the trust and dependence that I've been working so damn hard to build up collapsed right in front of me.

What happened during the past couple of week was a good distraction...A good scenery route that I will remember for a while, but it's time to get back on track. I need to do myself good and get over this thing. I dunno how though...How do you do one thing when your heart cringes at the thought? Maybe I'm not strong enough...But no matter how hard it is, how difficult it is to face, I absolutely have to do it...Alone...As always. This isn't to say I'm going to say fuck off to everyone, but I'd rather keep to myself for a while again...Please don't act like Du and freak out about me not being a friend every time I decide I don't want to freaking talk for 5 minutes...Just let me take my time, I always do come around.

I have no idea how many times I've ranted about this shit...But once again it's bugging the shit outta me so *sigH* here goes...

She seems happier now a days...I wouldn't know why, I don't really want to find out, but for some odd reason, it's easier to see her happy...At least a smile on her face. No matter how much I blame her, no matter how much hate has taken over me, I can't help but care. Maybe it's because of the past, maybe I'm just a big sissy, who knows...There are times where I see her alone and the urge to go over and comfort her takes me over, but just as many times, I force myself to look away, to step aside. I'm not going to lie, I think about the friendship between her and me every day. I wonder how she's doing, I wonder how things will turnout by the end of the year. But no matter how many times these sentimental feelings pass me, there is always the other part of me that takes over and I end up walking away...Maybe because I'm afraid of getting hurt again, maybe it's because I can't find it in myself to forgive again, but whatever reason it is, I know neither of she nor I will attempt to do anything about it. I have thought about this many times through my head and I think this contributes to one of the biggest reasons why, I, am not doing anything. For some twisted reason I figure it's better off for both her and me if we stayed apart...First, I won't be in the position to getting hurt again and second, she won't have to feel bad or conflict with herself for doing what she wants to do because of me. This could very well be an excuse, but none the less, it makes sense. Every night, I go to sleep hoping these feelings can just pass and everything can be "normal" again, but everyday I wake up finding myself disappointed because nothing has changed at all...I still care for her...I still try to do things to see her happier, whether it's conscious or subconscious...One thing that I know I have to do is that...I will never approach her and I will always stay back to look after her...

Okay...Feeling quite a bit better now that this idiocy is out of me. Hopefully things will get better...If not...There's plenty of room on Blogspot to post another pathetic rant of Jak's =P. (I wonder if the people in Google read these things...) Anyway...Until next time...Later days =P.