Mind Messed

Freaking hell...I'm so tired...

I want to post something so I guess I'm just gonna ramble on for a bit here before I pass out like a log on my bed.

Lately, everything's been hitting me pretty hard, with all the orientations and stuff, but even through all this, I still always have one thought drifting around in my mind. As most of you know, I am quite fond of a girl. One girl, for a pretty long time. I'm not sure what to do with this situation at the moment. On one hand, I feel like I should really keep trying despite the obstacles in front of me because I should at least give time for her to know me better in person before deciding that I have no chances what so ever. On the other hand, I feel like one aspect that's preventing me from being someone more than a friend to her is the fact that I don't think I'm able to give off that impression. Much like before, I feel like I'll always give off the "friendship" vibe to girls. Most of the time, I'm okay with it. I don't mind it really, but it just doesn't seem like no matter how much I think we are perfect for each other, that aspect of "friendship" totally destroys any chances I might of had or have. I guess it's not something I can change in a person...and that's fair I suppose.

I think if I wanted to just be friends with her, I can. I've been just friends with girls I like enough times to know what it takes and how to do it. But something about her just makes me want to hold on for another day. I always think to myself, "Maybe something will change when the sun rises again." I think one of the biggest reasons for me not wanting to move on is because of the type of girl she is. A rarity in our age. The way she thinks and the things she believes in...they're very much like my own. At our age, these specific traits are very hard to come by, especially with today's culture. I might be thinking into this too much, which I probably am, but something inside me, a little thing is telling me just to wait. Be patient and things may change. I dunno...right now, I'm feeling a mixture of sadness and confusion. I know our friendship will always be there because it's just something I'll never want to lose and I'll fight for it with my life. I guess a part of me wants more than friendship because I want to learn and experience things with her...especially since relationship wise, we're also pretty much the same in terms of experience. And I guess part of it is because I feel that we belong together...if there is such a thing.

I had an argument with her today...over the stupidest thing, but at the moment I feel sorry and irritated at the same time. The frustration and easy irritation is probably due to my lack of sleep in the past 48 hours. The sorry feeling I think comes from the fact that it was the first time I've seen her angry. And because it was me who caused it. I don't want to see her sad or mad...I just want the best for her...really. I dunno what's going to happen with this...but I hope it doesn't turn into anything stupid. It really was over something stupid...something I could have done so easily if I just sucked it up for like 10 mins. *sigH* I guess there's nothing I can do now...just wait and see. This is probably one of the only few thing I really care about and don't want to screw up you know?

Yea...I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this whole situation, but I think once school actually starts, I'll probably be a little busier and get distracted. I can't just give up now can I? It's been such a long time and I should at least hold on for a little more before I make a final decision. I think I'm setting myself up for heart break again, but I think it'll be a little easier to deal with this time around. Maybe I should go for someone that likes me instead of the other way around. Maybe my standards are too high. Whatever the reason is, it doesn't seem like things want to work to what I really want. I'm not sure.

I guess all I can do now is just take it "One Moment at A Time" yea? In the end, even if I never end up being together with her, I'll be there to hopefully make her life a little easier and a little happier. Most of the time, it's what I end up doing anyway so it's not like a huge change. If I am able to be happy for her despite not being able to be together with her, then I'll know that all these years, all these feelings, were infact, true.
Secret #37: "Friend"...I really do hate this word.