Obstacles

Two weeks into my university life and I feel like I've been hitting a lot of obstacles that's preventing me from reaching my potential. For as long as I can remember, I've never been the smartest guy, the funniest guy, the sweetest guy nor the most attractive guy. For as long as I can remember, I've been slightly "above average", in my head anyway, in regards to all those aspects. I can do some basic integrals, I can lighten the mood sometimes through some slight humour, I can put a smile on a person's face once in a while and once in a while, someone might have the slight tendency of having feelings for me. The fact of the matter is...I've never really tried in anything. I don't really care about much. If things happen for me, then they happen. That's the "motto" I guess you can say that I've been following. But as university began, I wanted to make a change. Try something that can maybe, possibly make me more than I ever thought I could be. Instead, two weeks into this life, I feel stupid, boring and to some extent, will never be able to attract anyone. So many things have been said to me that's making me rethink about my whole outlook towards life and people. I never really reflect about what I do anymore. I put on a facade so that I can feel accepted and needed. I guess with this new environment and my urge to make a new beginning, it's making me..."fake".

In school, we receive a lot of homework and problem sets. I don't feel like I'm keeping up anymore. It feels like grade school when I was always just above class average...never excelling anything in my life. I read the books over and over again and I don't understand some things. Once I understand it, it takes a long time for me to figure out problems. I feel stupid...incapable. Recently the new friends...or...people I hang out with has made a new thing for me..."J Humour". Sounds cool right? it doesn't make me feel very cool though. Humour was one thing that I thought I might be okay at. Turns out not many people enjoy the black humour that I tend to dish out. People are different...they're not...high school. *sigH* do I really miss high school? no...I don't think so. Do I really miss the PEOPLE in high school? to be honest...not really. Then what is it? Why does this matter so much to me. It never did before. I guess before I always had the back up of my family. Even though I didn't talk to them a lot, when I was at home, I felt safe. Here...when I'm at home...I feel like none of the social pressures have passed. So many times, I sit infront of my desk, listening to the hallway in search of sound to pass my door and perhaps knock on it, so I would have an excuse to go "hang out". I've never done that before. I guess when I was at home, I always knew that my family wanted me there...they needed me there and they thought I was an important part of a whole. Now, I constantly think of finding someone that can make me feel that way, a girlfriend perhaps. It's weird right? how such a short period of time can change a person's view so dramatically. One more obstacle is that I feel a lot less attractive here. No physical attraction or personality attraction seems to be going my way. Not that it's a huge deal. Just something I think about from time to time.

Yea...wow...Fang just came over...to pick up her lab manual =). I dunno...my heart is beating really fast...does that mean anything? no right? I just...got up really fast...the door knock triggered my adrenalin...damnit...I'll come back to this later...I forgot everything I was supposed to say. Um...right yea...everything sounds depressing right about now, but no worries. Jak will not fall into a pit of despair. I know what to do...just chillax. Starting from today, I'll be myself. If it turns out that no one likes me, that's fine...if people do, then that's good. Sick and tired of partying and hanging out with people that just doesn't seem like the type that I would normally hang out with. It messes with my head man...really does. I'll overcome these obstacles much like I did before. I've been thinking with my emotion too much lately. It's time for some rationality to come back into me. After reading a friend's blog about reality, it made me realize how much more rational I used to be. I used to think everything through...to the dot. Now...I just let things happen that makes me "happy". But in the end, I don't really make myself happy. I just feel...a void sensation. Emptyness. I need to actually use my brain now. That'll make everything a bit easier...including these damn problem sets.

Alright, it's time to make a change...for the better. I've been through the phase where I analyze everything, I've been through the phase where emotion just takes over...it's time to create a balance. A balance where I can be sensitive but also sensible. If I put enough effort to it, I will reach my potential...and my potential will exceed all my expectations. Through the boundaries that I put around myself and start reaching out to people in a way I've never done so before. University right? time to make changes...time to self discovery. I'll start with this one little thing. A change to balance. I hope I can do it.

Since I'm going to do so, let's start with something that's been bugging me for a long long time...when I mean long time...I mean LONG time. Alright, I think you guys get it. There's this girl I know. She's pretty popular with the guys yea? even though she's popular with the guys, she still able to, lets say, keep her distance. Do I like her? see this is the problem that's presented before me that I will attempt to solve right now. On a physical basis, she's gorgeous. On a belief basis, she's perfect. On a personality basis is where the trouble resides. There is one thing that's preventing me from doing everything I possibly can to win her heart. She's very independent. Not in a way that pushes me away, but in a way that keeps me from approaching. It's like she's walking ahead of me and when she calls me to go over, she turns around, calls me, but instead of waiting, she turns back and keeps walking. The moment that she turns towards me to call me, I walk towards her, but as she turns around to continue walking, I stop in my track. Does that make sense? it's as if, the harder I try to get closer, the more I feel that she doesn't want that to happen. And when I get that feeling, I stop. But when I stop, she turns to call me again...and the cycle continues. I know she cares...I really do and I care so much for her as well. But there's always this distance...always this space that can't seem to be filled. That's the only thing that's making me question whether or not I truly like this girl. At the same time, I know I'm not perfect either.

I know she doesn't like me as more than a friend. To change someone's mind when their belief is as strong as hers is close to impossible, but I think my biggest fault for not being able to change her mind is the fact that I can't take that extra step to fill the distance and walk alongside her instead of always behind her. I, for some stupid reason, can't for a moment, not care if her back is turned and walk towards her anyway. When the girl doesn't like me and I'm unsure if I like her, it's like a dead pursuit right? what's the point of continuing if both parties are unwilling to do that little extra push? so I should just let it go right? it's the logical thing to do. Even though I know things don't seem like they're going to work out. Even though it seems like everything I do, the little things I do, seems to just increase the distance between us. I'm going to pursue this path. Not because I think she's absolutely perfect for me, but because I think this path...this pursuit will be worth it in the end, regardless of the outcome. Taking this one step at a time...one moment at a time...letting my emotions guide me, letting my logic protect me, things will work out. The biggest obstacle that I face will be myself. Once I can overcome that, I can make her happy...just like how she makes me happy.
Secret #39: On the other side of obstacles comes opportunities.