Mixing Pot

Hmm...Another day passed by from my spring break. I think this whole spring break, I've been out...Either chilling with friends or at work. And as sad as it may be, I think I've spent more time attending to idiots who don't know what to put down on a piece of metal to their loved ones than hanging out with my friends. Had to call some things off because I had to work and honestly...I kinda wanted to go. Anyway, spring break is coming to an end and so the routine continues. Still have a shit load of work to finish up on, but hopefully, I'll be able to get that out of the way soon.

So the last couple of days...Few? Have been pretty nice...Feels like I'm being attacked by a whole bunch of emotions all at once though xP. First, I felt confused and conflicted (Remember my last post? Yea, I try not to). Then I felt relaxed and free. Then I felt extreme joy and happiness. Then I felt nervous and scared. Then lastly, I felt worried. I went to hang out with Du on Wednesday. She's a nice girl...Played a whole bunch of Final Fantasy XII and it's not a bad game really. I still think the main character girl runs funny. You know when girls run and they put their elbows towards their sides and let their arms flop around? While sticking their ass out and pushing their chest out? See? It's so stupid I can't even describe it right. Anyway, it looked like that and it reminded me of those girls in Jr.High...I laughed very hard...I wanted to get a picture with Du so I can finally get her birthday present, but my bloody camera ran out of batteries! Can you believe it? Ugh, next time! Next time I will conquer you, evil camera!

Thursday, I went to play some badminton then went to sing K. It was just me, Piao and Xu that went. Three guys singing stupid songs like "Pretty Boy" and "The Day You Went Away" by M2M xD. It was good fun though, topped off the day. Before I left for badminton and singing, I got an email from Fang. I couldn't stop smiling for a while...She got in UT! I was very happy...I dunno, everything that was in the email just made me smile...It made my day. But then again, it did make me a little scared and nervous because I still haven't gotten the official letter from UT yet...Everyone else seems to have gotten it and I'm still waiting...It's nerve wrecking because if I don't get in...NO! I will get in! The next couple of weeks, I'll get the letter for sure...For sure. *Prays*. I can't wait to see her again though. It's been so long. We've played things before, but it just never happened. But this time, I'm gonna make it happen. I got my money saved up. I convinced my parents and it's just a matter of time now. Get my exams done and it's back to Vancouver for a week. I should count down the days xP...Haha. Yesterday ended with Piao sleeping over. I dunno, for some reason I like hanging out with him. Not a lot of people appreciates his way of looking at life...And sometimes his smart ass comments do get annoying, but I can talk to him about...Stuff. It's a good friendship without any risks. I think that's what's great about it. Because neither of us are really uptight about anything, we can just chillax and have a good time. It's...Dicey.

Today...Ah today was pretty okay I guess...I got a phone call and she seemed really upset. I was...Still am kinda stressing out about it. I just hope she's okay. I wanted to go see her and help her clear her thoughts and mind a little bit, but my work once again got in my freaking way. I'm not sure how to fix this and I'm pretty sure all I can do is worry and hope she's going to be okay. Not much I can really do about something especially if I don't know the entire situation. And even if I did, my thought process is probably very different from hers. This feeling was the same one as when I saw Du upset. It's like something trapped me and...It's just a very uncomfortable feeling. Except with Du, I know she has someone to talk to. With my friend...I hope she finds someone to talk to and not hold everything in. Hope she knows that she can talk to me about anything and I'll be willing to listen. Sometimes, by just talking about it, you feel a lot better afterwards and it's as if you can let go and finally move on. We'll see though...I'll probably just worry about this for the weekend and talk to her on Monday to see how things are...She's done so well for herself for the past 4 months...I trust that she'll be able to pull herself outta this one too and I'll always be behind her to catch her if she does topple over at some point. Take care of yourself...Take it one moment at a time and everything will be okay soon...Ugh, it's no good...Even talking about it on here, I'm still concerned...I want to just go over and talk to her, but self control is important...She needs her time to herself Jak...Just leave her be for a while...Just let her be...

Okay...Damn...I wanted to finish this post off on a happy note, but that's actually the last thing that happened so meh. There's always next time right? Yea...I also wanted to post a song of some sort today, but now I don't really feel like it...*sigH* Maybe next time too...Oh and I know my title says "Mixing Pot", but I couldn't find a good picture of that...So I like muffins and muffins like me, so ENJOY THE MUFFINS! Haha...Yea...Nope...Nothing else to talk about...Take it easy, breathe it out.

Two Bees...One Bird

Okay...It's officially pretty late now and I should be going to bed after a long gaming session AFTER a long day of work, but I feel like posting, so what the hell, another hour won't kill me...=P

Before I begin, I am going to forewarn all those who's reading this post. It's going to be one of my long (maybe), boring (probably to you), and almost weird blogs...So basically it's going to be me typing away trying to figure out love and how my ability to over think things get me sometimes very confused and conflicted. So if you rather Jak not be a big sissy for a few minutes, please click that big red x button at the top of your right hand screen. If you don't mind...Please think carefully a couple more times and if the answer is still no, fine, I guess there's no stopping you now xP.

Now...Where should I begin? Ahh yes, Sunday morning...When I was woken up by the sweet sound of yelling adults coming from downstairs. Oh wait, it was the same alarm clock I've had for the past three days! Anyway, I was talking to my dad afterwards and the topic of me getting married in the future came up. He told me I should be very careful of choosing and it should be someone that I am absolutely confident about, or my life will be screwed forever. Right...Good advice father, telling me from own experience huh? -.-'' So as this delightful conversation went on, we mentioned about me going to Vancouver in May. Ah yes, and he does know the reason why I'm going back this time. To see the girl that I so desperately want to see. He asked me if I liked her...I didn't quite give him an answer and he asked me if she was a "sensitive" girl and I thought of all the things that Fang and I talked about and for some reason I got butterflies...Just for a second. I told him that I thought the way that Fang and I think were very similar...We had a lot of morals and ethics and just the way we live our life in common...He replied, "Your mom and I are completely opposite huh?" It was really weird at that exact moment. For some reason, I didn't think about his question...The answer was pretty damn obvious after 18 years of bullshit. On the other hand, I was picturing myself back in Vancouver...Finally back there and that butterfly feeling took me over again. It was the strangest sensation I've had in a while. I've told Du this before, but I'm actually quite nervous about going back to Vancouver. I shouldn't be right? Everything will be okay right? Yea...Should be, but I still keep trying to picture the moment that I see her again...That moment will decide a lot to come in my distant future.

Later on that day, I went to Lee's house. It was an amazing day by the way. I haven't had so much fun and felt so chillaxed in a long time. Her parents were super nice, we laughed together, ate together and watched some movies together. Oh yea, and we dyed hair together ^^; I'm a red head now haha...It doesn't look too bad, I really like it xP. Lee's hair's purple again...Haha, cute. Anyway, after she dyed her hair and was taking a shower, I went up to her room and stood around, looked around and reminisced about everything that's happened in the past three years of my life. It seems that she was part of every second of it and just basking in the presence of her room, her life seemed to make things feel a little better. But underneath all the nostalgia, I kept on thinking about a few months from now...The dreadful parting, the goodbye. I've actually thought about this for such a long time, but just like meeting Fang as a "too good to be true" thing, I can't picture leaving Lee as a "too unreal to believe" thing. Treasuring every second of us being together is what I'm trying to do because I can be so natural around her. It's effortless...When we're just hanging out, everything just flows, I don't really care being a little dorky some times, I don't mind saying stupid things at times and I'm not sure about her, but it just feels like I can be myself...And be appreciated. I feel like I am somebody...Feels like I'm needed, feels like I have a purpose...And what is to life, but to find a purpose to live?

But what am I to these two people that I hold so dear to my heart? I often question this...I made this blog because it's hard for me to open up to people and for some reason, although I know people will someday read this, I can say what I feel so much easier here. Truthfully, I have no real idea who actually reads my blog besides Hadi. I realize that I've written so much about those two ever since I started and looking back on it, it is a little embarrassing...I know they both know this place, but I can't convince myself that they read it...It's weird because they both told me that they do...I guess it's just that no one actually says anything about my blog contents. I guess that makes sense too though, who would question something that's being laid down so blunt and openly? Yea, only morons and Jak would xP. Anyway, I had a point here...Ah yes...Even though I feel really strongly about them both, I know that they both want to be just friends...Haha, weird feeling when I typed that word. Yea...They both look at me at a friend...A very close friend. That's cool I guess...But it still kinda hurts...Even today. I can hide it away, I can pretend it's not there, but none the less, I can feel it. It's hard to move on...It really is. On the other hand, can't be too close minded right? Just gotta keep on moving with no regrets because honestly, meeting both of them has been the best thing in my life. One who can I relate to like no other, can understand me even before I can understand myself, one that really seems like a "soul mate"...The other, I can be so free around, can grow and experience so much by just being there, one that seems to need me just as much as I need her because we can benefit from each other's strengths and protect each other from our weaknesses. It feels like it truly defines, "opposites attract".

I know it seems a little bit 花心, or me having an "indecisive heart", but I am sincere about the way I feel. I can't decide, I can't deny it and I can't lie about it: Is it possible to love two people at the same time?

*Big breath* Okay, that was slightly over an hour haha. It feels a little better though. A stupid part of me wants them to see this and accept it...Return it, but I know better to get my hopes up for somethings that just aren't meant to happen. Don't worry peoples, it's just another one of my self conversations, things will work out eventually...Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs will triumph XD. Until next time, peace it out v-.-''.

Content Emptiness

Okay, so I haven't posted in about a week and I decided that today would be a good day to blog something. Lately, everything has been pretty mellow I guess. Gah...Trying to rearrange all my thoughts right now and I don't really know where to begin. Ah well, it doesn't really matter -.-''. I'm going to post as things come to my mind I guess...A little reluctant about it, but who really cares at this point xP.

*Backtrack to last week* What the hell did I do? Can't really remember haha...I do remember playing some fun badminton games with the badminton club last Friday. Yang came and it was nice playing with him. Still have a long way to go, but it gives me some motivation that I'm so desperately in need of. It's getting better though, my motivation level. I'm wanting to play badminton more and more now. Work on my footworks is the funnest part of it because when I get good at that, I'll look sexy while gliding around the court XD. A sport isn't a sport until you can look good while playing it =P. Remember that kids, it's not about determination or skill or heart, it's about how you look while playing. Haha, kidding, not really...Yea I am, no worries. The looking good part while playing is just a bonus to the awesome fun that's surrounding everyone. Practice, practice and more practice. That's what I need and that's what I'll get XD.

On another note, things at school are pretty chill too. Did my French Oral Exam today and it was pretty disastrous. I'd bitch more about it, but I think I'm all tuckered out from bitching about it all day to do more so I'll leave that at that. It's done and over with and for that, I am glad. Graduation's getting closer and closer...OH speaking of which, congrats to Collins for Historian and props to Hadi and Lee for doing the M.C. They did an awesome job, but it's too bad that they weren't chosen. Maybe another time yea guys? There'll be other opportunities later on and it'll be sweet getting redemption second time around xP. Anyway...Right graduation, I dunno, people are asking me who I'm taking to grad this year and truthfully, a part of me wants to take Lee, as a last thing that can sum up our friendship and make it that much more memorable. But, yes there's a but, I'm too tired of trying now. I thought about it and it really isn't that big of a deal. She'll probably find someone to go with and it'll be a good time. It's the time together that really matters and I'm treasuring it as I type this silly thing xP. I think I'm probably going to let her be now, let her live her life and be there for her only when she needs me. She seemed pretty stressed lately and annoyed so I kinda backed off a little bit. I think it made things a little better, gives her time to collect her self and get back on track. But yea, thing's are pretty cool, I think it'll be a pretty nice last couple of months. Think I might take Qian to grad...As a friend of course. It'll be interesting and although I only met her during the summer, I think she's played a big part in keeping me down to earth. Meh, who really knows, it's still a while away xP...Damnit...Need to buy a freaking suit for grad...(Goes and not buy a suit for grad)

Haha...Okay, that's enough of that...Fang left for Japan and Korea a few days ago. Still regret sleeping when she messaged me. I wanted to talk to her before she went, but it's okay, I'll talk to her when she gets back. Can't wait to hear about her trip, it'll be sweet. I kind of miss her though...Haha...It's weird because it's not like I talked to her a lot on MSN when she wasn't "away", but just the absence of her presence makes me miss her. Before, the occasional acknowledgment of her popping up online makes me feel a bit more secure and I didn't really notice that until she left. Haha...Even though I know she's gone, I still click that little quick link to her blog everyday, hoping something new would be posted up xP. Stupid right? A little embarrassing =P. But yea, hope she's having a good time in her trip. Teehee...Du's jealous...It's okay Du-Du, you'll be able to visit Japan and Korea one day...Just not now xD.

Anyway, I don't wanna do school anymore -.-''...Too pooped out to put effort into school. Feel like, it's really purposeless and pointless to do much work...Maybe I just need a rest. I think spring break will be good. It'll give me some time to recuperate so I can pound through the last bit of school when I get back.

No matter what happens, just gotta keep on moving. I think I forgot what more I wanted to post. Maybe next time xP. Later days ^^;
Secret #22: Would you come to grad with me?...If you were here.

Yin and Yang

Well today was a bitch and a half -.-''. *sigH* I'm so disgusted and ashamed of myself. Sometimes I think I'm hardcore bipolar and my mood swings are like a pregnant woman going through menopause. Yea, that can't happen...That's how stupid I was..Am?

I used to have pretty good self control. Pretty good at not knowing shit and being okay with it, but as these three years of high school progressed, it started getting harder and harder. I blame it on my horoscope. Cusp of Gemini and Cancer. The shit is that? I'm an emotional bi-polar fuck up. Great. No, not really, I only use that as an excuse for my lack of maturity. Ugh, this is so fucking hard without actually pointing out everything so guess what, fuck it I'm gonna write my heart out and I don't give a shit.

My problem: Girls. Yea, big whop right? Who doesn't have trouble with girls. No, I'm a fucking idiot. First off, I feel pathetic for not having done anything with girls yet. Yea, anything as in kissing and sex and all that other jazz. Why do I feel pathetic? Because...In this fucked up society, it seems like the natural thing to do. No one makes a big deal about it, it just happens. I see people making out in hall ways, I hear people talking about the people that they want to be with and it just annoys me. Every time I over hear a conversation about this kind of shit my heart cringes and I want to book it outta the room as fast as my two legs can carry me. But I don't because I can't. I'm confined in this little area and I have to hold it in everyday, day after day and just hope that it doesn't influence me too much...Well guess what people, it has! "Girls like guys who can have a good time, girls like guys who are daring, girls like guys who can be a man..." Are there no one my age that actually want to have a decent relationship without all this superficial shit? Sometimes I just wanna be one of those guys that gets what they want and don't give a shit about it, but the other side of me always stops me from doing this.

I respect women. I really do. Because of my parents...I'm afraid of getting too close to women because I don't want to be like my dad...I'm afraid that I'll be like him when I grow up. I make sure that I keep my distance to friendship with girls when I only think of them as friends because I don't want to see any of them hurt. When I see girls cry, it's the worst feeling ever. It's this mentality that kept me from doing stupid shit, being patient about everything and just waiting for the time to come. But why is it that every time I like someone, they don't feel the same way back? Why doesn't it work out for once? And the more I think about this, the more I want to be the "bad guy" instead of the "nice guy". Sick and tired of having every single girl look at me as a "friend". Can they not feel more than friendship towards a guy that's a little bit old fashioned and a little more conservative? *sigH* I know I'm not the only one in this position. I know a lot of people are dealing with the same thing and probably to worse degrees than me, but for fuck sakes, I have ears that can hear stuff, I have eyes that can see stuff, so what can I do to avoid all this influence from the world? I feel like it's a battle between my values and my filthy desires. I feel so disgusted at myself for even thinking about these desires, but I do and I'm slowly getting better at slapping myself back to my senses...Very slowly, but eventually -.-''. Don't you wish sometimes you can rip the emotion out of you and feed it to a big ugly three-headed dog? Because I sure as hell want to.

Yea...There you go, my latest conflict. Screw my damn teenage hormones! I'm pretty sure it'll settle down soon...My body will adjust and I'll be able to be the nice guy that seems to pour out of me because truthfully, I have to try really...really...REALLY hard to be a "bad guy" and then I feel bad afterwards...-.-''. So why do I try so hard? Because I have the illusion that girls might look at me more than a "friend" for just once...Crazy huh? Yea, I think so. I'll keep fighting on. Suppress the evil that's been wanting so badly to come out. Hopefully I'll triumph and I can one day end up with someone that likes me just because they like me. The thought of being needed by someone is a good one, but the thought of needing someone is still a little scary.

Okay, enough blogging for today. I'll talk about my idiot dad tomorrow...Four days now...FOUR DAYS, I've been helping my sister do her homework! Like I don't have enough shit to do myself. Stupid father, doesn't know how to do shit because he never helped me with anything while I was in elementary. *Mutters*. Anyway, wow...My posts have been so angry lately...This is scary -.-''. I better stop now...Homework time...Peace it out v-.-''
Secret #21: Help me...Fang...I need you.

Whatever

I'm tired of fucking trying so hard. I'm done. Whatever happens from now on happens. Stupid school, stupid people, fuck it all. I'm looking forward to my trip to Vancouver after May exams and then getting the hell outta this shit hole. So sick and tired of this shit...Agh!

Sorry, I'm just frustrated. I can't talk to anyone about it...Well, no I can, I just don't want to. Ugh...I was talking to Du today about how I really miss Fang...I don't even know what the shit's wrong with me. I want to talk to her, but every time I see her online, I just back away. Stupid me...I think I'm too afraid of saying something wrong...But it really never happened before...When we talk it's like magic...It flows...Then why the hell do I feel this way! Pisses...Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Anyway, I just finished helping my sister with her homework...Took about an hour...I can't believe the things these idiot teachers give kids these days. ALWAYS project after project, why can't we go back to the good old days where Mad Minutes was the cherry on top of the cake? Yea, those were good times. I was shit tired from badminton tournament too...I think more from sitting than actually playing -.-''. It was a sad sad night. Whatever though, it did make me feel a little better when my sister had to choose an "inspiration" and she chose me. She's so cute from time to time, just wish she was maybe 12 years older so she can help me with my problems xP. Guess I'm asking for too much huh? Meh...

Anyway, I need to stop thinking and just chill with my games or with someone. Before I head off, I'ma put a couple of songs up by Gary Cao. I've been trying to listen to a lot of his music. Really starting to grow on me...Especially these two songs that kinda just says what I feel at the moment. One's called "Silent Toy", the other's called "Two Lovers". Listen to it, don't, I don't really care. Not gonna bother with the lyrics, but if you do choose to listen to it, hope you like it. Peace it out v-.-''

Birthday...And Stuff

Hmm...Thought I was gonna post something sooner than this, but I guess it couldn't be helped seeing as how my class have been swamped with chemistry labs and English assignments (not that I do them). First off, yesterday March 7, 2008 was my friend Du's birthday. She turned 18 though one would never guess =P. I'd like to say a very happy birthday to her and I hope that the beginning of her new "adult" life is one that's like no other. She deserves it. Speaking of which, she seems pretty upset lately...For some reason I don't have the courage nor the will to approach her. It seems serious and as this situation drags on, the distance between us gets farther and farther. I feel like I should do something as she is and have been one of my few closest friends in high school, but at the same time, I don't want to intrude on her personal life...I think one of the bigger reasons for why I'm so reluctant to step in is because I know she has her boyfriend to talk to. If I do approach her at this very sensitive time, it might take away from what those two have together and that's the last thing I want to do. I'm willing to listen if she does ever approach me...I'll be willing to give her any advice that may seem appropriate when she does tell me, but I won't force myself into her business especially if she doesn't want to talk about it. If she doesn't feel absolute comfort in consulting with me, then it's not for me to know. Although I'm seriously concerned about her and it feels like shit when I see her upset, it's something that she needs to experience and overcome I suppose. I'll always be there for her whenever she needs it, I hope she knows...

Okay...Moving on, although a little hard after that, umm...I've been sighing a lot in school. Something doesn't feel right, there's always this feeling that I can't describe inside me and I dunno how to make it go away. I'm not sure what it is, but every time I sigh it feels a little better for about 10 secs then I do it again...And again...And again...Until I fall asleep (like I did in English). I dunno, it's like a stuffed feeling inside...Feels like I want to do something but I can't...It's a shitty feeling, but what can I do seeing as how I don't even know why I'm getting it -.-''. Damn emotions, what a useless piece of shit...Just kidding fools, sensitive is good...Someone will one day appreciate me being a sensitive guy, I'm kinda sure of it =P. So as for now...*sigH*

So yesterday I went out...Yea, it was pretty sweet. I tried stepping outside my comfort zone and learned something new. Pretty happy with myself...Truthfully, I went so I could...But the opportunity never presented it self, but it only got me motivated to learn faster so the opportunity might come, so I guess it worked out a little bit. The scenery was amazing...Never knew Calgary could look so nice at night, but it was from a distance and anything can look good from a distance so maybe it's not saying much =P. It was a nice evening though...Chillaxing, relaxing, stressing out a little bit here and there, but overall it was a pretty damn chill night. Not sure if I'll be able to do it again so that was a night to remember ^^;

Okay, I think that's about it...I hope tonight I can play some D2 with Hadi...Hope his competition went well. Crush them little Asian girls Hadi! Haha...Until next time...Later days =P
Secret #20: Treasure every second with her...Hold on to every Memory

Moving Along

Woohooo! I got internet again...Not really. Dad got me a wireless card so I'm technically stealing internet right about now...Idiot Telus people. I think they'll fix it soon...Meh whatever, don't care anymore.

Okay the past...I don't even know how long it's been...5 days? Maybe? Not sure, but yea, I feel like I have too much to say and everything has been all mixed together and now I'm trying very hard to make it into some sort of order...So let's see...What's the most common technique that I use to write my little stories? CHRONOLOGICAL! It works right? But not today...Don't really feel like trying to collect a series of events that has happened in my life and try to organize, so I'm gonna just say whatever comes to mind.

First! I moved! Yay? Iunno really...it's a nicer, bigger house, but moving has always and will always be a pain in the ass. Everything's so unorganized...I don't even know where to begin. The new neighbourhood's okay. The bus route is about the same as the 96 so there aren't many differences that this house brings to my life besides the slight satisfaction of knowing I can climb out on my roof anytime I feel like it. I'm sure my family will have a good life here...As for me, I'll be gone in a few months so who really gives a rats ass hey?

Umm...Next, let's see...So the day before we moved...or the day of...I was pretty upset with my father...Sometimes I just don't wanna live with these people anymore. Feels like I don't have much emotional attachments to my mother and father. The only thing is that I respect them and I feel like I owe them a huge debt...For what really? Dumping me in this bloody world just so I can get screwed over by them over and over again? *sigH* annoying...I don't have much to say to them besides thanks for giving me food, shelter and clothing, hopefully you guys will give my baby sister the love that I always thought a family should have. I still worry about my baby sister...Just hope she doesn't turn out like me really. Want her to have a relatively normal life without thinking so much about everything. Who really knows what'll happen years from now...Maybe when my sister's my age, I'll look back on this post and realize how wrong I was. Or maybe I'll look at it and think to myself, "I knew this was gonna happen". Either way, I think I have more emotional attachment to my baby sister than anyone in my family...Feels like I have to protect her...Help her grow, so she doesn't have to experience all the stupid things I've had to deal with. Make her life a little easier is all I can do really...What else are siblings for...

*sigH* I still have a shit load in my mind, but I have badminton tomorrow morning...I feel rushed as I look at the time on the computer...Pisses...Continuing on I guess...Lately, I've been wanting to spend more and more time with one person. A couple of days ago, I can remember clearly, school was about to end and I didn't want to go home...I wanted to just be around that person for a while longer, treasure each moment that passes. I'm not sure why this is happening...I've been consulting with myself about my feelings again, but everytime I do, I just come to the same conclusion that I need to move on...But at the same time, time is winding down so fast, it feels like the end is coming soon. How many more times will we have the opportunity to just be with each other alone? How many more times will I be able to see her smile and feel my heart calm down? How many more opportunities will I have to hold her in my arms "just for a second longer"? I dunno...I question whether or not this is love...I really do. But at the same time, I know nothing will happen between us...And I think I'm coming to terms with it...Why? Haha...That's a good question...I think I'm too afraid to get my heart broken again...Too weary to deal with the pain. Although I've made a few pretty close friends in the past three years, it always seems like this one is the one that comes most naturally...I don't know how to really describe all these feelings inside me, but to put it pain and simple...I like being around her. I'm trying to take this one day at a time...But I can't help think how hard saying goodbye will be. Right now it seems like I'm pushing so hard to squeeze out every second possible that I can be around her. I feel like I'm...Coming on too strong and feel so much like I'm not giving her any space...I'm trying so hard to hold on...To treasure these last months because once I leave...It'll be years before I'll be able to set eyes on her again...A part of me wants to be with her so badly...Some part of me wants to call her my girlfriend again...But I know no matter what...No matter how much passion I feel for her, it's all in vain if the same sort of feelings aren't returned. If by some magical way, "we" can work out...I dunno...I'd treasure every last second of it...I really would. I guess me going away is also a way of dealing with this love...It's really okay...As long as she's happy, I'll be fine. I understand her heart is elsewhere and maybe destiny had in mind that in my life, I'll be given two sisters instead of just a baby one.

*sigH* I'll be fine...Just don't understand why I can't let go...That's okay too...Maybe it just shows it's more than...I wish...Maybe just once...One day...*sigH* fucking words...*Mutters*

God...That long rant made me even a little more depressed. To be honest, I wanted to keep all this to myself until it was time to leave...I didn't want to say anything because once again it shows that I'm back to step 1...But I couldn't hold it in any longer...It felt like shit keeping it in and might as well just type it out and feel a little better...Anyway, it's getting late and I need to get to bed...I'll post again very soon...Couple more things on my mind...I think...Later days =P.

Even at this moment...I'm wishing she was in my arms...
Secret #19: Every time I embrace you, I don't want to let go...

Quick Post

Hey guys, I won't have internet until Monday because I have no internet since I've moved v.v''. Just letting you guys know...I have to go...I'm on somebodys computer "copying down my homework" *looks around sneakily*. Have a good weekend...1000 or so words on my ToK Paper...-.-''