Yin and Yang

Well today was a bitch and a half -.-''. *sigH* I'm so disgusted and ashamed of myself. Sometimes I think I'm hardcore bipolar and my mood swings are like a pregnant woman going through menopause. Yea, that can't happen...That's how stupid I was..Am?

I used to have pretty good self control. Pretty good at not knowing shit and being okay with it, but as these three years of high school progressed, it started getting harder and harder. I blame it on my horoscope. Cusp of Gemini and Cancer. The shit is that? I'm an emotional bi-polar fuck up. Great. No, not really, I only use that as an excuse for my lack of maturity. Ugh, this is so fucking hard without actually pointing out everything so guess what, fuck it I'm gonna write my heart out and I don't give a shit.

My problem: Girls. Yea, big whop right? Who doesn't have trouble with girls. No, I'm a fucking idiot. First off, I feel pathetic for not having done anything with girls yet. Yea, anything as in kissing and sex and all that other jazz. Why do I feel pathetic? Because...In this fucked up society, it seems like the natural thing to do. No one makes a big deal about it, it just happens. I see people making out in hall ways, I hear people talking about the people that they want to be with and it just annoys me. Every time I over hear a conversation about this kind of shit my heart cringes and I want to book it outta the room as fast as my two legs can carry me. But I don't because I can't. I'm confined in this little area and I have to hold it in everyday, day after day and just hope that it doesn't influence me too much...Well guess what people, it has! "Girls like guys who can have a good time, girls like guys who are daring, girls like guys who can be a man..." Are there no one my age that actually want to have a decent relationship without all this superficial shit? Sometimes I just wanna be one of those guys that gets what they want and don't give a shit about it, but the other side of me always stops me from doing this.

I respect women. I really do. Because of my parents...I'm afraid of getting too close to women because I don't want to be like my dad...I'm afraid that I'll be like him when I grow up. I make sure that I keep my distance to friendship with girls when I only think of them as friends because I don't want to see any of them hurt. When I see girls cry, it's the worst feeling ever. It's this mentality that kept me from doing stupid shit, being patient about everything and just waiting for the time to come. But why is it that every time I like someone, they don't feel the same way back? Why doesn't it work out for once? And the more I think about this, the more I want to be the "bad guy" instead of the "nice guy". Sick and tired of having every single girl look at me as a "friend". Can they not feel more than friendship towards a guy that's a little bit old fashioned and a little more conservative? *sigH* I know I'm not the only one in this position. I know a lot of people are dealing with the same thing and probably to worse degrees than me, but for fuck sakes, I have ears that can hear stuff, I have eyes that can see stuff, so what can I do to avoid all this influence from the world? I feel like it's a battle between my values and my filthy desires. I feel so disgusted at myself for even thinking about these desires, but I do and I'm slowly getting better at slapping myself back to my senses...Very slowly, but eventually -.-''. Don't you wish sometimes you can rip the emotion out of you and feed it to a big ugly three-headed dog? Because I sure as hell want to.

Yea...There you go, my latest conflict. Screw my damn teenage hormones! I'm pretty sure it'll settle down soon...My body will adjust and I'll be able to be the nice guy that seems to pour out of me because truthfully, I have to try really...really...REALLY hard to be a "bad guy" and then I feel bad afterwards...-.-''. So why do I try so hard? Because I have the illusion that girls might look at me more than a "friend" for just once...Crazy huh? Yea, I think so. I'll keep fighting on. Suppress the evil that's been wanting so badly to come out. Hopefully I'll triumph and I can one day end up with someone that likes me just because they like me. The thought of being needed by someone is a good one, but the thought of needing someone is still a little scary.

Okay, enough blogging for today. I'll talk about my idiot dad tomorrow...Four days now...FOUR DAYS, I've been helping my sister do her homework! Like I don't have enough shit to do myself. Stupid father, doesn't know how to do shit because he never helped me with anything while I was in elementary. *Mutters*. Anyway, wow...My posts have been so angry lately...This is scary -.-''. I better stop now...Homework time...Peace it out v-.-''
Secret #21: Help me...Fang...I need you.