Okay...It's officially pretty late now and I should be going to bed after a long gaming session AFTER a long day of work, but I feel like posting, so what the hell, another hour won't kill me...=PBefore I begin, I am going to forewarn all those who's reading this post. It's going to be one of my long (maybe), boring (probably to you), and almost weird blogs...So basically it's going to be me typing away trying to figure out love and how my ability to over think things get me sometimes very confused and conflicted. So if you rather Jak not be a big sissy for a few minutes, please click that big red x button at the top of your right hand screen. If you don't mind...Please think carefully a couple more times and if the answer is still no, fine, I guess there's no stopping you now xP.
Now...Where should I begin? Ahh yes, Sunday morning...When I was woken up by the sweet sound of yelling adults coming from downstairs. Oh wait, it was the same alarm clock I've had for the past three days! Anyway, I was talking to my dad afterwards and the topic of me getting married in the future came up. He told me I should be very careful of choosing and it should be someone that I am absolutely confident about, or my life will be screwed forever. Right...Good advice father, telling me from own experience huh? -.-'' So as this delightful conversation went on, we mentioned about me going to Vancouver in May. Ah yes, and he does know the reason why I'm going back this time. To see the girl that I so desperately want to see. He asked me if I liked her...I didn't quite give him an answer and he asked me if she was a "sensitive" girl and I thought of all the things that Fang and I talked about and for some reason I got butterflies...Just for a second. I told him that I thought the way that Fang and I think were very similar...We had a lot of morals and ethics and just the way we live our life in common...He replied, "Your mom and I are completely opposite huh?" It was really weird at that exact moment. For some reason, I didn't think about his question...The answer was pretty damn obvious after 18 years of bullshit. On the other hand, I was picturing myself back in Vancouver...Finally back there and that butterfly feeling took me over again. It was the strangest sensation I've had in a while. I've told Du this before, but I'm actually quite nervous about going back to Vancouver. I shouldn't be right? Everything will be okay right? Yea...Should be, but I still keep trying to picture the moment that I see her again...That moment will decide a lot to come in my distant future.
Later on that day, I went to Lee's house. It was an amazing day by the way. I haven't had so much fun and felt so chillaxed in a long time. Her parents were super nice, we laughed together, ate together and watched some movies together. Oh yea, and we dyed hair together ^^; I'm a red head now haha...It doesn't look too bad, I really like it xP. Lee's hair's purple again...Haha, cute. Anyway, after she dyed her hair and was taking a shower, I went up to her room and stood around, looked around and reminisced about everything that's happened in the past three years of my life. It seems that she was part of every second of it and just basking in the presence of her room, her life seemed to make things feel a little better. But underneath all the nostalgia, I kept on thinking about a few months from now...The dreadful parting, the goodbye. I've actually thought about this for such a long time, but just like meeting Fang as a "too good to be true" thing, I can't picture leaving Lee as a "too unreal to believe" thing. Treasuring every second of us being together is what I'm trying to do because I can be so natural around her. It's effortless...When we're just hanging out, everything just flows, I don't really care being a little dorky some times, I don't mind saying stupid things at times and I'm not sure about her, but it just feels like I can be myself...And be appreciated. I feel like I am somebody...Feels like I'm needed, feels like I have a purpose...And what is to life, but to find a purpose to live?
But what am I to these two people that I hold so dear to my heart? I often question this...I made this blog because it's hard for me to open up to people and for some reason, although I know people will someday read this, I can say what I feel so much easier here. Truthfully, I have no real idea who actually reads my blog besides Hadi. I realize that I've written so much about those two ever since I started and looking back on it, it is a little embarrassing...I know they both know this place, but I can't convince myself that they read it...It's weird because they both told me that they do...I guess it's just that no one actually says anything about my blog contents. I guess that makes sense too though, who would question something that's being laid down so blunt and openly? Yea, only morons and Jak would xP. Anyway, I had a point here...Ah yes...Even though I feel really strongly about them both, I know that they both want to be just friends...Haha, weird feeling when I typed that word. Yea...They both look at me at a friend...A very close friend. That's cool I guess...But it still kinda hurts...Even today. I can hide it away, I can pretend it's not there, but none the less, I can feel it. It's hard to move on...It really is. On the other hand, can't be too close minded right? Just gotta keep on moving with no regrets because honestly, meeting both of them has been the best thing in my life. One who can I relate to like no other, can understand me even before I can understand myself, one that really seems like a "soul mate"...The other, I can be so free around, can grow and experience so much by just being there, one that seems to need me just as much as I need her because we can benefit from each other's strengths and protect each other from our weaknesses. It feels like it truly defines, "opposites attract".
I know it seems a little bit 花心, or me having an "indecisive heart", but I am sincere about the way I feel. I can't decide, I can't deny it and I can't lie about it: Is it possible to love two people at the same time?
*Big breath* Okay, that was slightly over an hour haha. It feels a little better though. A stupid part of me wants them to see this and accept it...Return it, but I know better to get my hopes up for somethings that just aren't meant to happen. Don't worry peoples, it's just another one of my self conversations, things will work out eventually...Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs will triumph XD. Until next time, peace it out v-.-''.
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