Moving Along

Woohooo! I got internet again...Not really. Dad got me a wireless card so I'm technically stealing internet right about now...Idiot Telus people. I think they'll fix it soon...Meh whatever, don't care anymore.

Okay the past...I don't even know how long it's been...5 days? Maybe? Not sure, but yea, I feel like I have too much to say and everything has been all mixed together and now I'm trying very hard to make it into some sort of order...So let's see...What's the most common technique that I use to write my little stories? CHRONOLOGICAL! It works right? But not today...Don't really feel like trying to collect a series of events that has happened in my life and try to organize, so I'm gonna just say whatever comes to mind.

First! I moved! Yay? Iunno really...it's a nicer, bigger house, but moving has always and will always be a pain in the ass. Everything's so unorganized...I don't even know where to begin. The new neighbourhood's okay. The bus route is about the same as the 96 so there aren't many differences that this house brings to my life besides the slight satisfaction of knowing I can climb out on my roof anytime I feel like it. I'm sure my family will have a good life here...As for me, I'll be gone in a few months so who really gives a rats ass hey?

Umm...Next, let's see...So the day before we moved...or the day of...I was pretty upset with my father...Sometimes I just don't wanna live with these people anymore. Feels like I don't have much emotional attachments to my mother and father. The only thing is that I respect them and I feel like I owe them a huge debt...For what really? Dumping me in this bloody world just so I can get screwed over by them over and over again? *sigH* annoying...I don't have much to say to them besides thanks for giving me food, shelter and clothing, hopefully you guys will give my baby sister the love that I always thought a family should have. I still worry about my baby sister...Just hope she doesn't turn out like me really. Want her to have a relatively normal life without thinking so much about everything. Who really knows what'll happen years from now...Maybe when my sister's my age, I'll look back on this post and realize how wrong I was. Or maybe I'll look at it and think to myself, "I knew this was gonna happen". Either way, I think I have more emotional attachment to my baby sister than anyone in my family...Feels like I have to protect her...Help her grow, so she doesn't have to experience all the stupid things I've had to deal with. Make her life a little easier is all I can do really...What else are siblings for...

*sigH* I still have a shit load in my mind, but I have badminton tomorrow morning...I feel rushed as I look at the time on the computer...Pisses...Continuing on I guess...Lately, I've been wanting to spend more and more time with one person. A couple of days ago, I can remember clearly, school was about to end and I didn't want to go home...I wanted to just be around that person for a while longer, treasure each moment that passes. I'm not sure why this is happening...I've been consulting with myself about my feelings again, but everytime I do, I just come to the same conclusion that I need to move on...But at the same time, time is winding down so fast, it feels like the end is coming soon. How many more times will we have the opportunity to just be with each other alone? How many more times will I be able to see her smile and feel my heart calm down? How many more opportunities will I have to hold her in my arms "just for a second longer"? I dunno...I question whether or not this is love...I really do. But at the same time, I know nothing will happen between us...And I think I'm coming to terms with it...Why? Haha...That's a good question...I think I'm too afraid to get my heart broken again...Too weary to deal with the pain. Although I've made a few pretty close friends in the past three years, it always seems like this one is the one that comes most naturally...I don't know how to really describe all these feelings inside me, but to put it pain and simple...I like being around her. I'm trying to take this one day at a time...But I can't help think how hard saying goodbye will be. Right now it seems like I'm pushing so hard to squeeze out every second possible that I can be around her. I feel like I'm...Coming on too strong and feel so much like I'm not giving her any space...I'm trying so hard to hold on...To treasure these last months because once I leave...It'll be years before I'll be able to set eyes on her again...A part of me wants to be with her so badly...Some part of me wants to call her my girlfriend again...But I know no matter what...No matter how much passion I feel for her, it's all in vain if the same sort of feelings aren't returned. If by some magical way, "we" can work out...I dunno...I'd treasure every last second of it...I really would. I guess me going away is also a way of dealing with this love...It's really okay...As long as she's happy, I'll be fine. I understand her heart is elsewhere and maybe destiny had in mind that in my life, I'll be given two sisters instead of just a baby one.

*sigH* I'll be fine...Just don't understand why I can't let go...That's okay too...Maybe it just shows it's more than...I wish...Maybe just once...One day...*sigH* fucking words...*Mutters*

God...That long rant made me even a little more depressed. To be honest, I wanted to keep all this to myself until it was time to leave...I didn't want to say anything because once again it shows that I'm back to step 1...But I couldn't hold it in any longer...It felt like shit keeping it in and might as well just type it out and feel a little better...Anyway, it's getting late and I need to get to bed...I'll post again very soon...Couple more things on my mind...I think...Later days =P.

Even at this moment...I'm wishing she was in my arms...
Secret #19: Every time I embrace you, I don't want to let go...