Going Home

Today was the last day of my finals...I have officially completed one of eight semesters of my undergrad life. It feels...nothing really...it's probably due to the atmosphere of the residence. Pretty much everyone has gone home and I would be too if it wasn't for the stupid winter storm that managed to scare my dad in rearranging my flight one day later. *sigH* sitting here all by myself in a hotel that's pretty much empty is quite a drag...it feels so cold. No one to celebrate with, no one to talk to...just me sitting here staring into the screen. So what comes to my mind after 5 hours of blankly staring? "Let's blog about something".

Life's been pretty stale recently...nothing to look back on, nothing to look forward to. This past week seemed like the longest week of my life...every time I flip open my cellphone a moment of happiness comes to me, but disappears just as quickly as it comes. The exams were...yea...they're over...I think I passed all my courses, but I'm not even sure I did...there was no motivation this semester to do anything academically, it was pretty sad, but hopefully next semester will be better. This past week, I realized how alone I am here at UT...it's not a bad feeling though...feels peaceful...I guess I never noticed before because there was always someone I could go to, but this past week, I had no one...it felt weird...it felt like something was missing and I was constantly waiting for it to come back. Patiently of course, without any sense of urgency. Just letting the seconds tick away as my next exam came. It was a weird feeling that I can't really put my finger on...maybe I'll have a better clue about it the next time I experience it.

Tomorrow, I'm going back to Calgary...still not sure what I'm going to do...there's not much I want to do. Singing K is an option, but it's not like an urge...playing badminton lay about the same grounds...I do however want to get my hands on the SNES controller with Hadi by my side to own some Shredder ass though...that's definitely a must do. Other than that, I'm probably just gonna relax, work out and do some studying. Yea...studying. Probably going to have to look through computer programming and write some little programs because if I don't get my ass back in gear for that class, I'm definitely going to be majorly fucked next semester. Celebrate my little sister's birthday. And yes, I got her a little thing for her birthday. It's a teddy bear wearing a hoody that says "Someone at U of T Loves Me". Good old bookstores...they carry everything. At first I thought the bear was an ugly little thing, but it grows on you after a while so I guess it's not terrible =P. Other than that, I didn't get anyone else anything...not really in the holiday spirit this year...I dunno, maybe it'll grow on me? We'll see, I'm expecting a pretty mellowed out winter break...I kinda need it =P.

On another note, shit...I forgot what I wanted to say...c'mon...c'mon...OH, yes. A couple of days ago Du recommended a manga called "Bartender" to me. As always, I said I'll look at it someday and I guess today was the day. It came a lot faster than most of the other times, but I had a lot of time on my hands today so why not right? It's not bad...I have an idea that the manga is trying to portray some deep life lessons in the story line, but I'm just too damn lazy to try to figure it out. It gives off a pretty chillaxed mood though, that's why I like it. The main character looks so relaxed all the time, it's contagious...I know, I know, it's a cartoon...but don't judge before you read it, I'll bet you get the same feeling too. I looked at the anime for a bit too, but it was way duller than the manga. Gave off the same vibe, but like most manga turn anime (with the exception of Beck), it's a piece of shit. But yea, if you're bored and you wanna take your mind off the world, check it out, it's not bad.

One last thing before I go do something else completely unproductive...I need some new bloody songs...oh yes, speaking of music, Jay Chou's concert was yesterday! He lived right across from my residence and a lot of people saw him walking around downtown, shopping at Eaton Centre. It's pretty cool...pretty much the first time I've ever been so close to a celebrity. I didn't go to the concert though...I had an exam, but I heard it was pretty sick. My friend from Calgary came from London, Ontario to see it and she was living with her friend in Chestnut so she managed to give me some video clips of the concert at the ACC. It's pretty cool. Anyway, not a big deal, but it was something that happened that kept me awake these past couple of days =P. But yes...I digress, I NEED NEW MUSIC! I need some new tunes man...something doesn't feel right anymore...maybe it's because I have only like 30 songs and I keep playing it over and over again, but I still need new music. Just too bloody lazy to get any. If anyone have some good suggestions, please, let me know...music is my life and I think I'm half dying =P. I thank you in advance. Alright, enough of this...until next time...later days =P.

Hawk Eye

As the first semester of my university life come to a close, I'm still trying to cram the seemingly endless textbook into my little brain...finals are almost over. I don't think I learned that much this semester actually...didn't feel like working that much...made a few new friends and stayed awake in most of my classes. The only class I managed to go every class was physics...mainly because of the cool demos that the prof did. I hope that somehow I get my ability to work back...or started...it'll be a really annoying 4 years if I don't. There's not been much going on in my head besides one thing really...I've been talking about it a lot and it seems like I still discover new things with each event.

She left for holidays a few days ago...I didn't want her to go...but just like many things in this world that I want, but can't have, she went on the bus and flew off to the distant country to enjoy the holidays. Before she left, I got her a little gift...it was the first Christmas that I actually wanted to get a gift for someone. I thought about what to give her for many days before I decided that I couldn't think of anything that'll be amazing so I got her something that she wanted for maybe 10 minutes of her life =P. Those damn little things were harder to find than I had expected too...after asking around and walking aimlessly down Queen Street, I managed to find my destination at "Magic Pony"...yea, sounds awesome doesn't it. None the less, I was very happy that I found it. Got her a little card and wrapped the present for her. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I actually wrapped a gift. With the help of youtube, nothing's impossible =). I wanted it to look nice at least hehe. Anyway, I gave it to her before she left and I was happy to see her smile.

After she left, I went home and slept before going to my test...it was snowing that day and as I walked home from my exam, I looked up at the snow just like the little penguin on my card, wondering where she was at that moment...wondering if she was sleeping, or shopping, or just relaxing. As I walked, I thought about the times that I got her little things, to surprise her, to cheer her up, to do whatever...and when I thought about it, it made me a little bit sad. Before, I thought that a couple of big gestures once in a while can mean a lot...then I thought many little things all the time might be better than a few big things...then I came to the conclusion that many big things would probably be better than all of that right? makes sense...except I can't give big things all the time...spending my parents' money wouldn't be very...what's the word...whole hearted I guess. As I thought about this, I realized that I wouldn't be a very good boyfriend at my current state...hell, I'm not even a very good friend. But as of these couple of months, I've been trying to do more...but it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I actually wanted to do more. Whether it was big or small, I'd do anything and everything...of course, putting yourself out there, you would expect to be hurt right? and yea, I've been hurting pretty much every step of the way and it was during that little stroll in the snow that I realized why it hurt so much. It hurt because I knew that no matter how many things I do for her, it wouldn't make her 1/10th as happy as if it was from someone that she liked. It was this realization that made everything click. She always has guys looking out for her, doing things for her and I think that to her, I'm just like every other guy that has come and gone. She's told me that she cares and I believe her as a friend, but as something more, I'm just another guy that's missing something. It's this feeling that hurts so much...it makes me want to give up because sometimes, I just can't take it, but then whenever I see her smile again, a rush of endorphines keep me from giving up...it makes me happy.

For as long as I feel this way, I'll do whatever comes to my mind...this way, I'll have no regrets. Everytime she leaves, it feels like it'll be the last time I'll be able to see her because the first time she left, it was 6 years before I saw her again...I don't want to wait that long ever again while regretting every moment that I didn't do something more while I had the chance. It's scary sometimes, how when I wake up in the morning, I think to myself if she's awake yet and when I go to sleep at night, I wonder if she's in bed too. I hope that this feeling that I have isn't a phase...my roommate often tells me that he's gone through it and it'll be okay...but he doesn't really know everything and I don't think he's had a relationship with anyone for such a long time and still managed to somehow be part of their lives. She means the world to me...and I'd do anything to make her happy...even if it means never being loved back the same way because in the end, her happiness will make me happier than getting what I want.
Secret #44: I miss you...more than I ever imagined.

Everything Flows Nothing Stands

*sigH* another late night...I should be studying for my relativity final tomorrow, but I guess I'm just not in the mood to study these days. Good thing in some senses, not so good in others =P. A lot of things on my mind...don't really know how to put it in words anymore. It'll probably sound stupid written out, but in my mind, it makes sense. I guess let me start with the question, "would you do something for someone if you don't get anything back in return?"

Self sacrifice....some people call it nobility, some people call it stupidity. Some people are scared of it, some people thrive on it. I never really understood it fully. Why would anyone do something if they knew nothing will come of it? Humans ultimately live for survival and if what they're doing has nothing benefiting for their survival, what's the point of doing it? I've always asked myself that...what's the point of doing something, doing anything? is it for self discovery? knowledge? I've always thought there had to be a base purpose for doing something that ultimately made the person doing ANYTHING happy...or at least, void of pain.

Before, everything for me had to be rational. If I was going to put myself out there, if I was going to make myself vulnerable, I had to have reasoning behind it. Whether the reasoning made sense to everyone, that doesn't matter, but at least I knew what I expected before doing anything...I played it safe...to avoid anything that might even slightly grow emotional attachment with me. To this day, I still do many of these things...I find it hard to actually say what I mean...(not including on this blog) and when I do say it, many times I wish I hadn't. The point of the matter is, I think recently, rationality has slowly integrated away from my decision making process...especially when it comes to doing something for someone. Something's making me want to do it despite the consequences...something's making me step out of my comfort zone and do things I'd never though I would do.

How do I know this? the answer is simple...so many of the things that I do now, have become reality where as before, it all played in my head. I'd imagine everything and I'd do everything in my head for someone that I cared about. The saying, "it's the thought that counts."...I find it lacking another part...which is "...if the actions reflect those thoughts." You can be thinking about someone all day. You can imagine endless situations and scenarios that would be perfect, but the point of the matter is that if you don't let them know by demonstrating it with actions, they'll never know and all that wonderful "thought" is just another process of chemical reactions in your brain.

I still don't do anything for anyone...not at all, but to some extent, I do everything I can for someone, but I don't expect anything in return...or rather, I expect nothing in return. I expect to get hurt, I expect that some things work out, but I don't expect the person to do anything that they don't want. Unfortunately for me, what they don't want to do, is what I want them to do. Quite the dilema right? No...not really. For the first time, I'm acting out my thoughts. Everytime I think of something that might make the person a little bit happier, I would do it. Everytime I do it, my heart starts racing like it's going to pop out of my chest because I'm scared. I'm scared that the person won't like it, I'm scared that things won't be as I imagined, I'm scared that all that I'm doing is for nothing, I'm scared of the pain, but I do it regardless because in the end, there is a possibility that the person will like it, there is a possibility that it will go as I imagined and there is a possiblity that a smile will result from all this. To be honest, I don't think I can do this type of thing for many people because it takes its toll on my heart...but for one person...I think I can handle it. Although I do all these things, everytime I remind myself that things might not work out the way I planned and today was the first time that it didn't work the way I planned.

Prior to today, things worked as I imagined...I acted on instinct, did whatever poped into my mind, didn't plan it, didn't think too much about it, just went with it and things worked out. I was really happy that I can provide some sort of joy into the person's life and everytime, it made my day. Although I expected things to not work out eventually at least once or twice, the fact that things didn't work out today made me really sad. I mean, it's not anyone's fault, there was nothing I could do...life isn't fair and I accept that, but the significant part of this is that I felt hurt. Even though I knew I would get hurt going into this, the hurt felt so real when it actually hit me. I was walking home from the unfortunate event and I felt the very thing I was trying to avoid all these years...disappointment from caring so much. I think it's a good thing though...it made me feel kind of alive again, like I do care about something...like there's something worth being hurt about. Even though it hurt, I know that if it did work out, the person would be a little happier and that's all I want from this...because truly it affects me a lot. When the person is sad, I'd be sad. When the person is happy, I'd be happy...

I no longer live in my little world anymore...instead, I'm bringing my little world out so that it can mix with the reality that I now live in. I know I'm going to get hurt, but at the same time, I know I'll be happier than I've ever been before. I expect nothing in return...besides the occassional smile. In life, the lucky few gets what they want in return for what they do. The majority takes and takes and never gives back. Then there are the ones that never gets what they want, but keeps on trying. I don't find myself to be in a bad situation nor do I pity myself. I've accepted the fact that sometimes the love for someone can't be reciprocated, but it's the fact that I feel this way even though I've accepted this that makes me keep on doing these things because I know if I'm still willing to keep on going after getting hurt, it means that what I feel and what I do mean something...perhaps something real =).

What to do?

When you discover a piece of heaven at your doorstep?

Look around until you see the angel that dropped it and say thank you =).

To Love...IS Hard

This is my 100th post...and it's pretty damn fitting for what I want to talk about. The past few days has gone by like a hurricane. It feels like everything's changed so fast and I'm living in a different time. I know it shouldn't affect me this much, but the intake of information, the explosion of feelings and the realization that loving someone is in fact a difficult thing, albeit also very amazing was a whirlwind for me.

After a fun night of not doing homework I found out something that made a huge impact on me. Why it did so much to me still mesmerizes me, but I'm glad it did. When I heard about it, I didn't know what to feel. It was as if a giant mixture of sadness and happiness was put in a pot and someone kept on swirling the mixture although it was as much saturated as it could get. I felt happy for myself for some odd reason that I didn't fully realize until that night and I felt sad for the one that told me the news...at first, the sadness took over me.

I didn't know what to think...I didn't know what to say...all I knew was that I need to be there for her and by being there for her, I'd be doing a favor for myself. We walked and talked and walked some more and talked some more and every time I saw the tiny water droplets stream down the side of her cheek, it felt as if someone had my heart in their hands and squeezed it a little harder. It was excruciatingly painful, but at the same time, I was happy because I felt something that night. I felt for the first time how much I really care about this girl. I felt like if there was anything I could do, anything, no matter how painful it might be, just to bring the smile back onto her face, I would do it. That night made me realize how I really felt...some how, all the feelings that I brushed aside time after time all came to me at once and during those few hours, I concluded that from this point on, I will do whatever I can to see her smile. It doesn't matter if I have a piles of homework or a bunch of tests, if she needs me to be somewhere, I'll be there. It sounds weird right?...it still does to me. How can someone sacrifice themselves so much if there isn't anything in return? How can someone give and give, but expect nothing in return? you see...that's where the thin line between doing something selfishly and doing something for love lies. Most of the time, people do things for other people, could be someone they like, in order to get that same feeling back. In order to feel like someone important. It was what I wanted for the longest time. But now, I don't need to get anything back because it doesn't matter if she can't return what I give it at the same time it doesn't matter what she does or how she does it, as long as I see her smile and as long as I'm around her, I feel happy. You might say that I'm just exaggerating like I always do right? fair point. But this time, it's different. It feels different because along with the feeling of happiness that comes with me, there's always a sense of pain attached to it. This part of my discovery was shown to me yesterday...

After a long day, we went to eat. When I was there eating beside her, it felt different...I saw the look in her eyes and the attention that she had...it was in a different world. It's something that I could never give her at this point, but it was the most satisfied, most happy I've seen her all day. She looked calmer, she looked at peace. When I saw this, it felt so painful because I couldn't give her this, but at the same time, it made me happy because I felt that she was happy too. Whether it was just remembering something in the past or being there at that moment, it make her smile...one of those sincere smiles that she didn't think anyone else could see...perhaps it's arrogant of me to say this because I'm not her, but it felt right. After dinner, although I wanted her to feel like that around me, I know that at this point in life, she wouldn't be able to bring herself to do so. So I told her, "If you find something that makes you happy, grab on to it no matter what happens." I meant it when I said this, but the moment that those words came out of my mouth, once again, it felt like someone just took my heart and started torturing it to no end, but it made me happy because I know that she wants that too...we talked some more and the more we talked, the more I felt like I was getting to finally know her better. Maybe it was me trying to hide from reality before, but now I can see everything so vividly...it's no longer an illusion.

I think about her all the time...I worry about her all the time...I wonder if she's smiling and when I miss her, I press a button on my cell phone and see the smile on her face...for a little while, the worry disappears. Right now, I can't concentrate on anything...just yesterday, I had a test, but the whole time, whether it was preparing for it, or actually doing it, it felt like it didn't matter at all. I know it shouldn't be like this right now, but for as long as she's not okay with something or another, her well being will be at the top of my priority list. Until she's okay again, school can come second.

No more lying to myself, no more avoiding what's reality when reality doesn't favor what I want. I've learned so much about who I am these few days...I've learned so much about what love is these days and one thing I can assure you is that love IS indeed very difficult because "love is one sided" and the trick to that statement is that...the one-sidedness shouldn't stop you from loving someone and it's not going to stop me anymore. If what I feel ever disappears, I'll accept it, but as of right now, I've accepted how I feel and no matter what anyone else thinks, I'm happy when I see her even if I have to deal with 10 folds worth of pain and hurt...because I know it's real. Finally I have a reason to do things that I would never do before...finally I have the motivation to get up in the morning...I see my purpose...do you?
Secret #43: Thank you...for being alive and a part of my life. 你是我的初恋

To Love...is Hard?

First thing's first...still haven't fixed the music...I'll get on it soon...soon as in probably when I get back to Calgary =P.

Anyway, life's been alright lately. I've been hanging out with people I want to hang out with a lot more so things seem to be better. The little gestures...whether it's giving me a call to whine about a test or to ask me for some advice about anything...it all makes me feel better inside. At the same time, I'd want to do things back that really aren't necessary. For a friend...for someone I care about...I think I'm putting some sort of effort into showing how much I actually care, but is it really suppose to be so difficult? Obviously, the reason I do these things is because I want to, but through the process of it all, I have millions of doubts in my mind, telling myself that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, the reality will just put my efforts down into a hole...it's not worth much...to most people, but to some, I hope it's worth a little more. When I ever do anything out of the way for someone, I feel my heart speeding up and I can't come to a conclusion as to why...as i sit in the empty examination hall, I wonder if I made the right choice I constantly think about going back...over and over again....until I see the smile that makes everything settle down...that makes everything worth it. I guess taht's the reward of it all...the smile that one can retain by giving a little of themselves.

"You're incapable of love" a friend told me...and the more I think about it, the more it seems to be true. I don't know why though...maybe it's due to my childhood...maybe it's due to my past experience....but it just seems really hard to put yourself out there for something that may or may not happen. Logically speaking, the lack of a nice childhood and the bad past experiences should be the reason behind my inability to show love, but the more I think about it and the more I hear about it, maybe it's because I'm just in love with someone already...and once I'm in love with a person, I won't actually be able to fall in love again...or maybe love is actually not what one presume it to be. Maybe love isn't the gloriousness that everyone seems to have it dressed up to be. Maybe loving someone is just feeling comfortable around them, being able to get along with them, like spending time with them...all of which not involving having that "particular" feeling that people seems to be looking for all the time. Maybe it isn't. Whatever it may be, I hope that I'll be able to experience it someday...and for now, I can still feel what I think it may be when I go through my email from many many years ago. Hopefully, it'll come to me again...if I try hard enough...it should right? I guess the right person needs to be there too...someone that'll be willing to pull me out of my little world and into something that's seems to be so far away, but yet so close.

Ugh...it's late tonight...I should be going to bed...I'll leave an MV...maybe this is what love is =P.

"...when it comes to things that i really care about and things that i really want to say ...u no things that i actually really mean......i donno.....i just dont know how to put in it words that u would take seriously........yep thats me..."

Maybe things haven't changed that much...
Secret #42: "Did you miss me...?" ...I missed you =).

Appreciation

I really feel like blogging today. It's been a while since I've had such a huge urge and had so much things regarding one topic in general that I wanted to talk about so hopefully, this will lead me to a conclusion of some sorts...yea, most of the time I look for a conclusion when I finish blogging, it helps me think. Well, first thing's first, TURTLES IN TIME IV!! Wow, when I saw Hadi's comment about that, it made me smile for about 5 minutes. Haha, I remember playing it for the first time way back when I lived in Saskatoon, it was sick...how can you ever not enjoy going back old school and owning it up co-op style? It'll be something to look forward to when I get back to Calgary during winter break =P.

Alright, to the main topic now. Appreciation. I think the biggest thing between university and high school is how much closer I was to everyone and how much I thought I was appreciated by just being there by them. Although this assumption may be false, it was the attention that I received from people that made the day go by a little better. I've never noticed it until university because now, no one seems to care. In high school, there were those days where you feel like shit and some person that you didn't really know, but knew well enough to ask what was wrong, came up to you and said those few words of care. It made you feel better because deep down inside, you knew there's someone that would take those few seconds and bother asking because they appreciate your presence in school. Back then, I would just brush it off, thinking it was no big deal. I mean, it isn't a huge deal right? if you saw someone sad, often, it would be the natural thing to ask them what's wrong, but the thing is, even though it is a small gesture, it helps the person by letting them know that they aren't alone in going through whatever they might be going through. It could be just a bad day or it could be something extremely important, but the fact of the matter is that there were those people that looked out for you and noticed that something was wrong. I guess that little bit of attention kept my head up. Thinking back on it, there was always someone there for me...whether it was Ahmad or Du or McArthur or the list can go on and you know who you are, but the point is, I never realized how much their presence and their attention meant to me until now, now that it's gone. I guess the saying is true after all =P. Even though most of the time I wouldn't want to go anywhere or do anything, they'd make me or in McArthur's case, decide for me. I think I'm the type of person that really needs that. I mean I don't really do anything because I don't see a point to it right? so when it feels like someone really wants me there, then I'll be willing to go because it feels like there's a point now. It takes a while to get me to do those stupid things, but thanks for the patience everyone. To be honest, even the little grade 10s and 11s made things a little better. Some of them would be glad to see me once in a while, some of them would actually come look for me for something once in a while, but none the less, to some extent, I guess school made things seem a little better in the end, despite all the shit that seems to cover everything else. To all those that have once upon a time made the effort to try to cheer me up or try to include me in anything, I'd like to say thanks.

Now you'd think there would be a reason for me to think about this right? and of course, there is. I mean people don't just one day wakeup and learn to how to appreciate...there has to be a catch. And if you haven't guessed it by now, it's the fact that I don't really get that kind of attention anymore. No one here knows me that well. No one here bothers with some idiot that doesn't want to do anything so no one tries to convince me to do anything most of the time. And that's okay, I don't mind at all. I mean for those I don't barely know, why should I mind right? and since I didn't want to go in the first place, I'm kind of glad they don't persist. The thing that made me realize the importance of this mutual appreciation is because those that I am close don't show me those gestures now. Who am I close to in university you might ask...well, who else? These few days I kind of realized this. The way that I see her perceive me is basically the same way I think she preceives anyone else. From time to time, she would ask me to do something, but if I say no, it's very rare that she'll try to convince me. She'll probably say "okay" and it'll be the end of it. To me, she's a very important person in my life so I'd do things that I wouldn't do for most people. When was the last time I went anywhere that I really didn't want to go? When was the last time I went out of my way to make anyone happy? All these things I did before because I was at the right place at the right time and they are my friend so naturally I would do it. I never actually pulled myself out from what I was doing and go do something else. But with her, I really did try partly because I did like her and partly because we've known each other for such a long time. But the feeling I get now is that there will always be someone else that'll be doing all these things for her, so in the end, it doesn't really matter who does it. I might have known her for a long time, but I might know about her just as well as any who's met her since school started. As a result of all this, I really don't think I'm of any importance in her life. Especially if I don't get a reminder every once in a while that I am a part of someone's life, that feeling of being someone important just diminishes. I don't blame her for anything and I should be thanking her for making me realize how much I should appreciate the gestures that people show me. It's her perogative, it's her choice. I think now that I'm just another person in her life and I guess that's fine. But the fact that I get this feeling of being just "someone" from her even though I've known her for such a long time makes me pretty sad. It's okay though, what should I expect right? she'll always be my friend, nothing more, nothing less. But the degree of friendship seems to just go down every once in a while...and before you know it, it'll just be surface friends, which has happened many times before to me. It would be a very sad event if it does occur, but what can you do right? I guess I'm the type of person that'll only work for something if I see something in return and since she's the same type of person, haha, it's like a never ending cycle. I really did try in the beginning though...if you know me well, you know that I did try. Even though the things I did wasn't really out there, it's the fact that I actually put some effort into something that defines my way of "trying". *sigH* it's okay...sometimes reality is hard to deal with, but never the less, it is reality and I'll just face it.

On a different note, there's this girl that I know that I've been thinking about. I don't really know what it is, but she just seems to intrigue me. She already has a boyfriend so chillax people. She's really different from me and that's the thing. Usually, when I see how different someone is, it kind of just dies there, but it hasn't stopped yet =P. I dunno, I've talked to her a couple of times and she's pretty cool. She seems...different I suppose. I'm not sure, but yea, just some random facts about my life I guess. It's kind of troubling me...but I'm not gonna do anything about it because well...she has a boyfriend. Come on people, decency is nice once in a while xP. Also, if you haven't watched "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", watch it. It's a pretty good movie and the character that "Jacky" from "The 70's Show" plays (I'm sorry I just don't know her real name and I'm too lazy to look it up) is the type of girl that I would really want to go out with. But yea, good movie, very unpredictable, in a good way. I'd give it a 4.5/5 =).

Alright, I think I've talked enough for today...hope you've all understood my little rant and remember, treating those who are important to you a little more special than other people isn't a bad thing...it just makes them feel appreciated =P. I'll finish off by posting a few songs...that's right, I said a FEW. One's Can't Stop - Red Hot Chili Peppers because Collins sent it to me and I would like to show that I appreciate it =) and it's a pretty good song that I think people would enjoy. The other is 海口 (Hai Kou) - 后弦. I like the melody for this song...yea. The third song is 深深爱过你 (Loved You Deeply) - 薛之谦. The song's pretty repetitive, but I like the lyrics for this one. Yea hopefully, you'll enjoy it and you can find the lyrics here, here and here, for the respective songs xP. Yes...my laziness is awesome. Alright...I'm gonna get back to work now =P. Have a good one everyone...until next time, later days =P.

Edit: Damn it, the Red Hot Chili Pepper's song isn't working because it's in wma format. I'll fit it later don't worry. Also, if anyone knows a site where I can upload stuff, please let me know v.v'' my Google page is pretty much full xP.

Monotony

First thing I wanna say is...I apologize for not putting up a new song in this post. I will soon. There are a few songs that's caught my attention, but just haven't had the time nor energy to put them up xP. Another thing is that it's kind of hard to now that I don't have all the files that's needed to put up songs on this computer so...you know, extra work and Jak just doesn't fit together now a days. Also, thanks Collins for sending me the song and keeping in touch xP. I know I haven't replied, but yea...I've been kinda busy...I apologize.

Alright, so it's been a while since I've put up a decent post so I'll be attempting to do so right now. After a couple of weeks of hardcore homework and exams, I'm finally able to relax a little bit. School has never presented itself so difficult to me and I have never felt so stupid either. For some reason, I just can't break the habit of being lazy, following formulas and actually put some brain power into the questions so I can think outside of the little box that I'm currently in. In class, the pace isn't that fast. I can follow everything, but when it comes to the questions, I don't think my brain works in a way that permits the flow of the smallest bit of intelligence to my conscious, so I would just sit there, staring at the question for hours on end, thinking along the same lines over and over again. And would you be surprised if I told you that this type of thinking is very unproductive? Yea, bet caught you off guard there didn't I. On the other hand, I think I'm slowly getting used to it. It seems like I've been trying so hard to do my best in university so far, but I don't think I've been going at it with the right approach. I've never worried about school. It's like a natural thing that just came to me and I think university will be like that soon. Marks, marks and more marks, that's pretty much what school's about right now. I've never talked so much about school when I'm not in school, it's actually pretty sad, but I guess part of this is also adjusting to a new environment. I guess in the beginning I was just intimidated by all the smart people in my classes and I wanted to be someone who stood out in comparison to the rest. That's something that have always been around the back of my mind. To be able to do something and be good at it. I mean I've always sort of let myself sink into mediocrity and I guess a part of me really wanted to break out of that. After thinking about my efforts vs. outcomes these few days, I think I've finally calmed myself down about the whole thing. I think I'll be able to sink back into the mood where I'll be satisfied with whatever I get. Of course I believe that I can do a lot better than my current situation, but I guess I've just learned that there's no point in rushing it. All it got me was a shit load of frustration that I did not need. I'm not the brightest guy, nor the most hardworking, but I'll do my best and hopefully, I'll be alright with that.

Enough about school, let us talk about some other topic...say social connections. I think I've reached a new level of carefreeness now a days. Maybe it's because I have so much work to do, maybe it's because I just don't want to, but day after day, it seems like I'm getting more and more distant from those that I "care" about. At the same time, I don't feel anything. A little bit of me says that I should care, but a bigger part of me says that they're all to busy to notice anyway. But yes, because of this, I don't feel close to anyone at all now. Some times, after long days at school, I just want to come home to someone that'll treat me like they appreciate the fact that I've busted my ass all day. I guess to some extent, it's the same for everyone so I shouldn't be asking for special treatment. It's kind of sad now a days though...when I'm feeling like shit, I don't talk to anyone about it anymore...yea, even less =P. I don't feel like picking up the phone because there's no one that I can call without feeling like I'm troubling them or wasting their time. I know it's selfish to think like that, but can you really blame me if I feel like no one sees me as a confidant anymore? Before, there were always people that I could turn to because they were willing to come to me when they were in trouble, but now, everyone seems to already have someone they can rely on, so I guess that's what's really stopping me from going to them. It's sad isn't it? I've noticed that I never do anything first...or very rarely. Most of the time, I'm always the one sitting back, waiting for other people to do something. I guess I've never actually seen a point in doing that...or I've never actually cared about something enough to do it first. Yea...I guess when it comes down to it, motivation just has never been a big part of my life. I'm never motivated to do anything and nothing seems to be worth doing if there's no motivation behind it. I wish I could find some sort of motivation though...it'll be nice to finally go for something that I really care about...it'd be nice to actually do something that had some sort of reason behind it. I guess that's something I can look for: a purpose. I don't see the purpose in doing anything and I guess that's not a very good thing either. Man...I'm screwed up xP. Ah well, I guess realizing it is always the first step. I wish I could find that though...it'd be nice.

Alright, there's actually not much going on in my head...the only thing that I keep on constantly thinking about is the email that was sent to me a long long time ago. I remember that day like it was yesterday. When I found out what was going on, I didn't really know what to think back then. The mixture of emotions that went through me was nothing like I've ever experienced. I bascially poured out my heart in that one email and it hasn't been back. I wish it was something more concrete, something more personal, but it was through a little email. It was a long time before I got a reply, but when I did, I felt so special and so worth pouring my heart out despite all the consequences. I got the email about 5 years ago and even now, I revisit it from time to time. When I do read it, word after word seems to put together all the little pieces of care and love that I've given and bring it back to me at an instant and for those couple of minutes reading the email, I feel like I'm on top of the world. After I read it, I don't want to close it, but soon enough, I realize that it's nothing more than an email that someone once sent me a long long time ago. They've probably forgotten about it, but it always gives me the feeling of what I presume to be love. That's the feeling that I've been looking for, that's the feeling that I want to feel before ever getting into a relationship because it feels so real, so much like how I think it should feel. Although I know it won't ever come to me with first impressions anymore, I want to at least have the idea that maybe, maybe it'll have the possibility of growing into that. So far, it hasn't even came close. I dunno, I'm probably thinking too much about it like I always do. It's okay though...this is something that I want to be thinking a lot about...it makes me happy. Even though it's no longer part of my present life, it's something that I appreciate to the bottom of my heart. It's something that I want to keep for as long as I can...it's part of my memories and something that made me into who I am now. It makes me happy...it makes me feel love and feel loved...even if it's for a few moments at a time.

Free Time

Ahh...seems so difficult to find any time now a days to post anything decent. Today, however, I have seemed to have found this time...well, not really...I just kinda decided I would not do any studying tonight =P.

School's been hellishly busy lately. One midterm after another, one project after another. Don't know when anything will ever end. I've been surviving on some 5 hours of average sleep these few days and I can reassure you, it's not enough =P. After listening to hours after hours of lectures everyday, I have to come home and sit on my ass doing homework until my brain starts to bleed. It's all good though, at least there's...well no there isn't...there's nothing haha. OH wait...yes there's ApexDC++. Use it to download many hours worth of movies and watch it in one sitting sure takes things off my mind. Anyone else want to relax should do the same thing. Especially since I can watch episodes of House every week without actually having to turn on a TV. Life's good. A couple of days ago I stayed at my friend's place until 2 in the morning...doing bloody calculations! yea...not what you expected right? or maybe it is, I dunno. Anyway, I have never done so much math in one sitting. But to be honest, it wasn't too bad...just felt really tired by the end of it. As I'm sure most of you guys have already experienced the late night studying, it's not all that bad right? you just get a little tired for the next 4 months because there's the never ending pile of work in front of you. No biggy, just keep going at it, it's not impossible =P.

Yea...hmm, doesn't seem like I have much going on in my mind right now. School's pretty routine. Every once in a while, there are always those moments where I want someone to just call me or hug me or do something along the lines of comfort. But after a few minutes, I either pass out or is occupied with something else, leaving me minimal time to think about anything. The only interesting conversation I've had in this past while has been talking about intellegence but I'm too tired to go into it. It's cool though, think about all the students around you and think about the test marks in University. That should give you a clue about what's going on xP.

Pisses...really have nothing to say now...damnit, the only free time I've managed to get myself to start posting and I waste it with this little shitty post. Ah well, I'll be off to flip through my books again. Until next time...later days =P.
Secret #41: Hmm...human affection would be nice...

It's Been Busy

Man, it's been busy as hell lately. School, friends, everything seems to be moving so fast and there's no time to just chillax anymore. If I'm not studying, I'm eating, sleeping or going out. But as I say this, I guess today is the exception. After not being able to find the time to post for so long, I sit here on a Friday night, finally updating, as I know, in an hour or so, I'll probably have a shit load of more things to do.

Anyway, let's talk about some of the things that's been happening lately. The first big thing that comes to mind is Thanksgiving weekend. Man...it was pretty intense. Saturday, I went out with friends. We went to do some shopping first...some shopping turned into many hours of walking around, but at least my friends bought stuff and I did too! Finally got that pair of jeans I wanted, it was very satisfying. But yea, the shopping was alright. I think it was more of hanging out that I enjoyed though. Introducing old friend to new friends was a process that turned out to be pretty smooth. Although in the beginning, it was a tiny bit awkward, they got along very quickly, which made me very happy =P. The few friends that I met in school have been I guess a pretty important part of my university life thus far into it. They're all nice people and especially since I'm in a very much "nerd orientated" program, it was nice to find those few who can talk and laugh about other things other than school and homework. It's good stuff...fun people to be around...smart too xP. Moving on, after going shopping, we went to this other friend's birthday thing. It was KTV, but since we didn't know most of the people there, it turned out to be pretty shitty. I really wanted to sing...and at this moment, still do, but at the time, it just felt too uncomfortable...so I guess we'll have to wait...this process of waiting to go KTV is hurting me haha. But the good thing that came from that little adventure was that we discovered a pretty nice place to go to and it's pretty close to where I live too, so big bonus there =P. After we ditched that place, we went to go eat dinner. It was the first time I had Korean barbeque and it was pretty good...I've never had so much meat without any vegetables in one sitting...it was sort of gross, but it was very fun at the same time. The stupid little games that we played made the day.

On Sunday, we went to Wonderland during the Halloween Haunt event. It was pretty fun. The events with the ghost houses and mazes were quite the experience. And the rides weren't bad either. I thought everything was good and if you haven't been there yet, definitely give it a go when you have the time. The gate ticket is very much worth the fun. The only thing that was slightly bad was how Fang basically got cornered. I felt very bad for her...all the monsters and stuff seemed to be attracted to her. They'd just pick on her over and over again...it was pretty...yea. I'm still not sure if she's okay from that particular experience, but I hope she is. On a side note, guys, or girls, if you ever want your girlfriend to cling onto you or your boyfriend to protect you, go to one of these things...it'll make things happen =P. Or maybe on dates, I think things like that would help loosen things up between the two people and things can be more casual from there. Just a suggestion...I, personally, probably won't do it, but you know...yea =).

That weekend was pretty good. Lots of fun and everything felt at place. Little things did happen, but everything was okay in the end. No big deal. School should be my other topic. For the past week, I've been wanting to post and bitch about how school's being a pain in my ass for me, but after talking with my dad yesterday, I got a little bit of motivation back. So for now, I'm just gonna work hard, try some new ways of studying and understanding and hopefully things will work out.

Yea, I don't want to post much more today. For some reason, I feel tired as hell and I want to get some rest before going out. Still have some things that I would like to talk about...more philisophical things, personal thoughts, stuff like that. Just don't think I have the mental capability of doing something like that so I'll end it here. Hopefully these little things that are going on in my life have been a source of amusement for you for the past 5 minutes that you've been reading this and if not...well...you still have a lot more time in your life =P. Anyway, until next time, later days =P.

Stepping Aside

It feels like it's been a while since I posted...I wanted to post a couple of times, but never got around to it. There was this one night, where I was already writing up a post, (for those who don't know, I write my posts in one sitting and then never look back on it =P), but I fell asleep on my desk...the shitty little desk that I have. Anyway, that day's passed so that little exert is lost forever.

Alright...recently I've been keeping to myself a lot more. I still have my fair share of fun, but the things that go through my mind, I just let it wander around in my head. Most of the time, I would talk to someone about it, but as the days pass, I don't think letting everyone or anyone know about what's going on in my head really does anything. In the end, my closest friends seem to just use that to "build" their "understanding" of me. Personally, this really isn't what I want. I tell things to close friends, not to let them know me better, but rather it's just a way to get things off my mind. In return, I do the same for them. I mean, people have came to me and told me things and asked for my advice many times before. But never have I ever used those facts and questions to make any assumption of them. I think when people are in trouble and they need someone to talk to, it's just to let some things out and to just talk. Everyone is unique in their own way and by making assumptions based on these things just leads to misunderstandings of the human race. It makes us think that people are all the same...because many times, the problems that people face are the same. I think it's because of our society and environment that makes people have similar problems, but to understand and to know a person...truly know a person, you have to see them at their most relaxed, most comfortable state in a third person perspective...when you see a tiny little smirk on the edge of someone's lip by accident, that's when you can finally see the true person. In their minds, no one can see them and when that thought crosses their mind, it's when they show their true selves. It rarely happens because everyone puts their guard up infront of other human beings and many people are selfish enough to not notice those little things. That's why judging someone based on how they act and what they say, even in a very intimate setting is very misleading. In return, since most people do judge and "learn to understand" the person this way, I find it useless to let my thoughts run free anymore. Why bother wasting my time doing something that'll get people worked up when in reality, it's just emotions that are shown for a few instances based on certain circumstances. It shows nothing about the person besides more of the layer of protection they put over themselves. I don't know, maybe you can find little traces of truth and identity through the rants and profound conversations you've had in the past and if that makes you happy, I'm happy for you.

Another reason for my decision to keep my thoughts to myself is because I find it hard to talk about it now. Maybe it's because I don't feel comfortable or maybe it's because of something else, I'm not sure, but I just find it hard to even say a word about how I feel or think during a certain situation or a period of time. Eventually it goes away like everything else, so in the end, it doesn't really matter yea? I guess this is what this blog is for, for me to rant to...it just listens and never makes any conclusions about what I'm typing on it. It's a good feeling after posting something and never looking back on it too. I guess it shows how much I really, truthfully, cared about that situation in the big picture. The other reason why I keep this blog, besides having something to rant to, is to keep a series of experiences and thoughts so in the later years, I can look back on it and maybe find something cool about my thinking pattern as well as maybe a little growth in my thoughts. It's interesting to me, how a person's thoughts can change over time as they experience and mature.

Okay okay, enough of the philosophical/psychological crap. Pretty sure that was boring as much as it was confusing, so let's go on a different topic.

Since I've been thinking to myself a lot, I'll share one thought that has just recently formed a conclusion in my mind. For the longest time, I was confused about how I felt towards love and loving someone. I tried many things...too many for me to mention, in order to get that feeling I used to have when I liked someone in elementary. When you like someone, you tend to like something ABOUT them. The way they look, the way they think, the way they talk, the list goes on. When you like someone, you tend to magnify on all the traits that you like and this way, you feel as if you're in love with the person because the perspective that you've developed for yourself has narrowed to concentrating on those little things. Over the years, I think I stopped focusing so much at the little things and whenever I found something that was attractive in a person, there were things that were...how do you say, just neutral. They weren't "attractive" but they weren't "not attractive" either...hope you understood that little part. This made me have just a neutral feeling towards the person and that "liking someone" feeling just never came to me anymore. On to a different topic for a second: People change over time. I think everyone can agree with me on this one. Whether it's due to environment or knowledge or experience, the thinking process of a person changes. I've always known this, but I think now, I'm beginning to actually accept it. It's the acceptance of this along with the realization of why I can't feel that certain way about a person that allowed me to come to the conclusion that I'm in love with the past. I think I've always been in love with that connection, that one summer, those few years and even at this moment, I might still be in love with it. When I was younger, my thoughts about liking someone was still very focused on the attractive features. The shyness...the laugh, the kindness are all the things that I fell in love with and I never really saw anything else. I had a vision and I magnified it everyday so that as each day passed by, the feeling grew. All these things, I still see to some extent and every time I see it, I get that feeling back, but that feeling only lasts for a short period of time. So for the past many years, I always thought that it was what I was looking for...but little did I understand, the change in people can be very drastic and in fact, very permanent. I couldn't deal with the change and along with my inability to find attractiveness and magnify it, conflicts started building up in my head. These days to myself helped me realize that the little girl that I fell in love with so long ago, or maybe is still in love with, no longer exist. This final realization that she is in fact gone and is no longer part of my life made me very sad...but at the same time, has helped me find an answer to the question that's been bugging me for such a long time.

I still believe in love and now I can peacefully wait for the one that'll be perfect...for me =). Things will click when it happens, it'll be easier rather than harder and the work will be shared between both of us =P. I guess I can finally close another chapter of my love life and start heading towards another grassy field with another ideology.

Things will get easier,
If the friendship is meant to be.
If a friendship is meant to be,
It won't be just memories.

Late Night Cracker Thoughts

Another week of university has gone by and here I am...still awake at 2:09 in the morning, munching away on a cracker. The past week has been okay I guess. A lot of ups and downs and a lot of thinking to myself. Some major things that's been running through my head have been school and the friendships in my life. Of course at the moment, I'm listening to some music that I've never listened to before and much like many times before, music has been the thing that's kept me on my feet. But let's not get into that again...I'm sure all of you know how much I like music already...and if you don't...well, now you do.

Alright...let's start with school. The transition into school mode has certainly been a tough one for me. I just hope it doesn't take too much longer. I mean, I come home everyday, tired as shit, but still have a lot of homework and studying to do. The topics go by extremely fast and the concepts are still hard to get my mind around. I've always thought about myself as a fairly bright minded guy. I mean I can grasp concept at a relatively fast pace, but now, after every lecture, I have to scratch my head and wonder if everything I thought was going on during the lecture actually happened. Often I wonder if it happens to everyone or if I just overestimated my intellect. The people I hang out with at school seems to get it much faster than I do and many times, I feel like I don't belong in the program I'm in...I guess the only thing that's keeping me in it is because the material being covered is very interesting. I dunno...the few quizzes I've had so far, I did extremely badly in...and I'm not exaggerating. Really, REALLY bad. *sigH* university life is definitely harder to get used to than I had imagined. I mean my friends are telling me things are going to be okay and as much as I'd like to believe them, I don't think I'm too far from my limit. Maybe this is all I can do...I know myself better than anyone else...even though I don't know myself very well, I know when I feel challenged and I don't like the feeling when I don't understand things. It's a frustrating thing and the only conclusion that I've come to is to study more...work harder and hopefully, by the time I reach my potential, it'll be enough for me to do decently in university. Nothing much else I can do...once I reach my potential, that's it. Surpassing it will require mental and physical strength that I don't think I have...and I don't have the natural gift of intelligence on my side...so I guess we'll see...

I've been saying that a lot..."we'll see"...everything seems like to be in the future so that I don't have to worry about the present. My way of "running away" again I suppose. Don't know why I think the present is so bad...it's not really...there are a lot of good things happening, but sometimes, when I'm munching on a cracker and thinking about the things that happened throughout the week, I just tend to be overwhelmed by the things that bug me. Is that natural? no right...no big deal I suppose. Everyone's different and this is one way that I live my life. I've tried many times to "not think" that much into everything, but I can't help it. Maybe it's clinical depression...no...too severe right? maybe I just lack that certain bond that really makes me happy. There's no point in pushing it to happen if it's not happening either...being too eager just make things seem to come slower than they actually are. But yea...after a critical analysis of what's going on in my head and what's wrong with me...I think I'm just lacking that bond that makes me seem to have a purpose in life. Maybe once I find that bond to give me a purpose, I'll start thinking less and start enjoying the present more...I mean..."the present is a gift...that's why it's called the 'present'." right? xD.

Anyway...I didn't plan that part out...it just came to me so yea. Back to what I wanted to talk about...the second part. Friendship and bonds yea? well I guess that little spiel in the second paragraph did say something about that...so I guess I know what I'm looking for. But right now, I feel like I'm becoming more and more distant from my friends. The close friends that I used to have before aren't as close anymore...the new friends that I made here...well they're good people. I just don't feel that kind of connection you know? There might be times where I feel like it's okay to open up, but a couple of seconds later, that feeling is gone and I just kinda stop myself in my track. Kinda feel the people here are really different than me too. I'm not as out going and everyone seems to be wanting to be doing something all the time. It's hard keeping up with them, so when I just wanna chillax, they seem to think something's wrong with me. It doesn't really matter to me, but because they think that, the distance just gets bigger and bigger. It's okay though, since the connection between these friends are pretty weak, I know that I haven't found anyone with that kind of bond yet. Surface friends are good too. The laughs are there...the fun is there, can't ask for much more right? only can graciously accept those thoughts when someone actually tries to get closer to you. In this case, I don't think anyone is trying or no one really wants to, so what's the point of me doing the same thing back right? if they all want to be surface friends, I'm okay with that. They're there for those nights when I really want to get drunk and have some fun. Other than that...they're just another face in the hallways. The close friends I had before are pretty much drifting away too. Only one that I've kept in touch with is Piao. He tries...he does a lot of the work actually. Most of the time on MSN, he talks to me first. He makes the conversation interesting. Since I think he really does care, I text time from time to time too. I can basically tell him everything and anything without getting too serious into it. It's a good feeling...like an outlet that's always there...and of course, I'm always there for him when he needs someone to listen. It's a good mutual friendship...you might think that this bond is the one I was talking about, but let me explain. I don't get the feeling of happiness when I talk to him, it's like a mutual comfort that makes me want to keep talking to him. No consequences, just talk about anything. It lacks the factor of me wanting to be there...like waking up everyday looking forward to something. Can't really explain it any further than that...hopefully it's clear enough. But yea...everyone else from high school seems to be drifting away faster and faster. I don't really mind though...everyone has to go their own ways and since I'm not the type to take initiative in these things, if they don't have time, then I won't bother them. No biggy right? life goes on.

Yea, that's about it for today. I'm pretty tired and of course, I've finished munching on the crackers. Feeling kinda empty these days. Not sad, not happy, not angry, not anything. I miss having the feeling of loving someone. I miss the feeling of having a purpose. I certainly miss those who provided me with those feelings. What's done is done though...there's no turning back. I'll find someone that can fill the emptiness again one day. Until then...I'll wake up everyday for going to school =). It's a nice place on campus at UT...the scenery is good.

Magic

Tonight's been a pretty long night...I think I'm getting better at this doing homework crap though. Not getting distracted and actually understanding things in class. Things are slowly falling back into place, although I'm still struggling with doing homework when I have to...like at the moment. But things will be okay. I did all I need to do...basically the things I need to hand in tomorrow. As of now...I'm pretty tired and my roommate is once again blabbing away on the phone with his life partner, so I thought I'd post some things. Yes...in fact, I do have some things on my mind that I would like to share with all of you. Now if you would sit down little children, let us begin story time.

Alright, once upon a time, there was a young man. He played piano and did a little composing once in a while. One day, his classmate asked him to join a singing competition. Being the curious person he is, he did what his friend recommended and he came in second place. Almost 9 years later, he's going to have a concert in Toronto, Canada on the 18th of December. Have you guessed it yet? Yes, it's Jay Chou. I guess I can say with confidence that I'm a pretty big fan of him. He's a pretty talented person. Composes, sings, acts, directs. Even though he's not the best at any of them, he does what he wants and it turns out alright. I think what makes me admire him the most is the music that he writes. Me, personally, am a fan for music. To me, the lyrics are just a bonus that adds a little extra to the music in order bring something out of it. But I think true music doesn't need lyrics to make it good. Music speaks for itself and with Jay's music, I can listen to it forever and not get bored. With his last album, I was sincerely disappointed at the music that he made. Although there were a couple of good songs, most of it was plain and a lot of it came from the movie he was in not too long before the album came out, which is understandable. But in the coming weeks, he has a new album coming out. One album every year and MOST of the time, it's amazing. I have pretty high hopes for this one...mainly because of the main song that's already been broad casted is awesome. October 9, 2008 is the release date. For anyone who cares a little bit, check it out. I'll be sure to put up good songs once I get my hands on them.

On another note, I stayed up until 6 in the freaking morning last night...talking. I don't even know where the time went. We went downstairs at 1 and spent 5 hours there? It seemed like such a short period of time, but it was good. I really enjoy those long talks...although a lot of them at one time really isn't good for the body. Talking with her is like a treat though, to find someone that can think similar to me is really cool. It was fun...although getting up today was not fun...I didn't want to, but ended up doing so because I figured that I can't afford to miss another CIV102 lecture. The only resource I have is from those damn lectures. If I miss one, it's like committing suicide...and I already missed one, that's why it's the one class that I don't quite understand. It's okay though...still the beginning right...I have time to catch up...yes...I just need to convince myself of that.

*sigH* this post really isn't all that great huh...meh whatever. With around 4 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours, I think I have an excuse. I'm going to bed now...damnit...I can't...my roommate is still talking. I'll be in bed...soon xP. Anyway, that's it from me for now. Later days =P.
Secret #40: Those words actually discourage me...*sigH*

Obstacles

Two weeks into my university life and I feel like I've been hitting a lot of obstacles that's preventing me from reaching my potential. For as long as I can remember, I've never been the smartest guy, the funniest guy, the sweetest guy nor the most attractive guy. For as long as I can remember, I've been slightly "above average", in my head anyway, in regards to all those aspects. I can do some basic integrals, I can lighten the mood sometimes through some slight humour, I can put a smile on a person's face once in a while and once in a while, someone might have the slight tendency of having feelings for me. The fact of the matter is...I've never really tried in anything. I don't really care about much. If things happen for me, then they happen. That's the "motto" I guess you can say that I've been following. But as university began, I wanted to make a change. Try something that can maybe, possibly make me more than I ever thought I could be. Instead, two weeks into this life, I feel stupid, boring and to some extent, will never be able to attract anyone. So many things have been said to me that's making me rethink about my whole outlook towards life and people. I never really reflect about what I do anymore. I put on a facade so that I can feel accepted and needed. I guess with this new environment and my urge to make a new beginning, it's making me..."fake".

In school, we receive a lot of homework and problem sets. I don't feel like I'm keeping up anymore. It feels like grade school when I was always just above class average...never excelling anything in my life. I read the books over and over again and I don't understand some things. Once I understand it, it takes a long time for me to figure out problems. I feel stupid...incapable. Recently the new friends...or...people I hang out with has made a new thing for me..."J Humour". Sounds cool right? it doesn't make me feel very cool though. Humour was one thing that I thought I might be okay at. Turns out not many people enjoy the black humour that I tend to dish out. People are different...they're not...high school. *sigH* do I really miss high school? no...I don't think so. Do I really miss the PEOPLE in high school? to be honest...not really. Then what is it? Why does this matter so much to me. It never did before. I guess before I always had the back up of my family. Even though I didn't talk to them a lot, when I was at home, I felt safe. Here...when I'm at home...I feel like none of the social pressures have passed. So many times, I sit infront of my desk, listening to the hallway in search of sound to pass my door and perhaps knock on it, so I would have an excuse to go "hang out". I've never done that before. I guess when I was at home, I always knew that my family wanted me there...they needed me there and they thought I was an important part of a whole. Now, I constantly think of finding someone that can make me feel that way, a girlfriend perhaps. It's weird right? how such a short period of time can change a person's view so dramatically. One more obstacle is that I feel a lot less attractive here. No physical attraction or personality attraction seems to be going my way. Not that it's a huge deal. Just something I think about from time to time.

Yea...wow...Fang just came over...to pick up her lab manual =). I dunno...my heart is beating really fast...does that mean anything? no right? I just...got up really fast...the door knock triggered my adrenalin...damnit...I'll come back to this later...I forgot everything I was supposed to say. Um...right yea...everything sounds depressing right about now, but no worries. Jak will not fall into a pit of despair. I know what to do...just chillax. Starting from today, I'll be myself. If it turns out that no one likes me, that's fine...if people do, then that's good. Sick and tired of partying and hanging out with people that just doesn't seem like the type that I would normally hang out with. It messes with my head man...really does. I'll overcome these obstacles much like I did before. I've been thinking with my emotion too much lately. It's time for some rationality to come back into me. After reading a friend's blog about reality, it made me realize how much more rational I used to be. I used to think everything through...to the dot. Now...I just let things happen that makes me "happy". But in the end, I don't really make myself happy. I just feel...a void sensation. Emptyness. I need to actually use my brain now. That'll make everything a bit easier...including these damn problem sets.

Alright, it's time to make a change...for the better. I've been through the phase where I analyze everything, I've been through the phase where emotion just takes over...it's time to create a balance. A balance where I can be sensitive but also sensible. If I put enough effort to it, I will reach my potential...and my potential will exceed all my expectations. Through the boundaries that I put around myself and start reaching out to people in a way I've never done so before. University right? time to make changes...time to self discovery. I'll start with this one little thing. A change to balance. I hope I can do it.

Since I'm going to do so, let's start with something that's been bugging me for a long long time...when I mean long time...I mean LONG time. Alright, I think you guys get it. There's this girl I know. She's pretty popular with the guys yea? even though she's popular with the guys, she still able to, lets say, keep her distance. Do I like her? see this is the problem that's presented before me that I will attempt to solve right now. On a physical basis, she's gorgeous. On a belief basis, she's perfect. On a personality basis is where the trouble resides. There is one thing that's preventing me from doing everything I possibly can to win her heart. She's very independent. Not in a way that pushes me away, but in a way that keeps me from approaching. It's like she's walking ahead of me and when she calls me to go over, she turns around, calls me, but instead of waiting, she turns back and keeps walking. The moment that she turns towards me to call me, I walk towards her, but as she turns around to continue walking, I stop in my track. Does that make sense? it's as if, the harder I try to get closer, the more I feel that she doesn't want that to happen. And when I get that feeling, I stop. But when I stop, she turns to call me again...and the cycle continues. I know she cares...I really do and I care so much for her as well. But there's always this distance...always this space that can't seem to be filled. That's the only thing that's making me question whether or not I truly like this girl. At the same time, I know I'm not perfect either.

I know she doesn't like me as more than a friend. To change someone's mind when their belief is as strong as hers is close to impossible, but I think my biggest fault for not being able to change her mind is the fact that I can't take that extra step to fill the distance and walk alongside her instead of always behind her. I, for some stupid reason, can't for a moment, not care if her back is turned and walk towards her anyway. When the girl doesn't like me and I'm unsure if I like her, it's like a dead pursuit right? what's the point of continuing if both parties are unwilling to do that little extra push? so I should just let it go right? it's the logical thing to do. Even though I know things don't seem like they're going to work out. Even though it seems like everything I do, the little things I do, seems to just increase the distance between us. I'm going to pursue this path. Not because I think she's absolutely perfect for me, but because I think this path...this pursuit will be worth it in the end, regardless of the outcome. Taking this one step at a time...one moment at a time...letting my emotions guide me, letting my logic protect me, things will work out. The biggest obstacle that I face will be myself. Once I can overcome that, I can make her happy...just like how she makes me happy.
Secret #39: On the other side of obstacles comes opportunities.

Purple Moon Festival

Wow...feels like it's been a while since I've posted. I'm not actually too sure when was the last time I did post, although I know I can find out by just looking at the top of my last post...yea. Anyway, I didn't go to class today. "OH NO! why's Jak skipping already?! has university made him even more careless than before?!" might be the thought that's going through some of your minds at the moment, maybe a little less dramatic. But no worries, I didn't skip to go party or have fun...I stayed home all day to sleep. Yea...got a cold and I couldn't pay attention to anything today. I don't like being sick...it's like at the stage of vulnerability where a little bug can knock you over. Doesn't feel too great...not at all. The worst thing is that I'm afraid of getting everyone else sick...even though I think I might have already, I don't want it to continue...yea? So when I was eating in the cafeteria, I kept picturing the spreading of germs and stuff...although I tried to stay away from people...like choose a very secluded place to sit, some stupid idiot came and sat right next to me...even though here were a billion other seats to choose from. Now if he gets sick...meh I probably won't know about it so it's all good xP.

Alright...enough of me bitching about being sick...even though it sucks, okay okay I'll stop. Let's see...classes, yes have I talked about them yet? ah well, if I have, I'm going to do it again. I have quite a few classes actually. I think 30 hours one week and 33 the other depending on if I have a lab or not. But in reality, the course content and everything is not as hard as I imagined it to be. Although all the upper years and even teachers making such a big deal of it that Eng Sci students suffer, it doesn't seem to be that bad. I guess it is just the start. I'll probably feel the pressure soon...which in some sick and twisted way will make me happy. I want to be pushed to my potential. Since this program is something that I care about and something that I'm interested in...it might just be able to push me to the point where I can reach or maybe even surpass my potential. I've always wanted that. Most of the time in high school, I would study for 5 minutes and be proud of myself, but someday I would like to actually sit there and study for a few hours in preparation for some exam. We'll see, we'll see...maybe I've already reached my potential and I'm just too obnoxious to admit it...possibilities are endless xP.

Right...that was my little school spiel. Now let us talk about friends and perhaps more than friends...??? hey? hey? nope, not quite there yet, just friends. Sorry to disappoint. Yea, I've met some cool people. A few in my classes and a bunch on my floor. Two little circles that I can hang around, most of the time comfortably. It's pretty cool. At school, these three guys are really cool. They speak mandarin all the time so it helps me with it and at the same time, they're all super smart. Two of them (sorry I'm being a little mean) I think are pretty decent looking so ladies if you're still looking, I can introduce, no worries xP. They're quite fobby though...you know, the hair, the clothes, the English, but if you can put that aside...haha, I'm going to stop being gay now. My other group of friends are also pretty chill...and it's also more varied in terms of races...haha I don't know why that's so important, but it just seems essential to describe these things so a clear picture can be formed. Yes, that was a valid argument. Alright, yea, they're pretty cool...we usually hang out at night after everyone's back at residence. Recently, I've gotten a little conscious about my humour. A few of them have started saying my humour is "dry". And it kind of worries me a little bit...ah screw them. My humour's awesome...it just takes a while for them to sink in xP.

Hmm...I guess I can still name one more little group. Well, not group, just Fang xP. I mean we hang out in other little groups too, but it's a little different when we're just by ourselves. Don't know how to explain it very well, but it just feels different. It doesn't feel like I spend a lot of time with her because of our schedules. Sometimes, at night, we'd have some time and we'd hang out for a while. Last night was the Moon Festival. I didn't really plan anything, but some how it just ended up us being alone sitting there looking at the ginormous moon. The big beautiful thing made me want to fly even more. I dunno what I'm getting at, but that half an hour or so was so...perfect. For a while, I didn't even feel like I was sick xP. It was fun...it made me happy. There are a lot of mixture of feelings that I felt, but it's difficult. I guess it's not that important either. That whole night was symbolized by the little purple flower that I gave her...even though there were a lot of other things...I think when I look back on it...it'll be the moment that she took the flower and put it on her coat, that I'll remember first. Right now, I'm still confused about how I feel and where my heart is leading me, but I think I'm going to not worry too much about that and just try to open up. At the same time, these little memories that happen is embedded forever in my thoughts, making the process of opening up a little bit easier.
Secret #38: I don't want to look when you're with him...what does that mean?

Mind Messed

Freaking hell...I'm so tired...

I want to post something so I guess I'm just gonna ramble on for a bit here before I pass out like a log on my bed.

Lately, everything's been hitting me pretty hard, with all the orientations and stuff, but even through all this, I still always have one thought drifting around in my mind. As most of you know, I am quite fond of a girl. One girl, for a pretty long time. I'm not sure what to do with this situation at the moment. On one hand, I feel like I should really keep trying despite the obstacles in front of me because I should at least give time for her to know me better in person before deciding that I have no chances what so ever. On the other hand, I feel like one aspect that's preventing me from being someone more than a friend to her is the fact that I don't think I'm able to give off that impression. Much like before, I feel like I'll always give off the "friendship" vibe to girls. Most of the time, I'm okay with it. I don't mind it really, but it just doesn't seem like no matter how much I think we are perfect for each other, that aspect of "friendship" totally destroys any chances I might of had or have. I guess it's not something I can change in a person...and that's fair I suppose.

I think if I wanted to just be friends with her, I can. I've been just friends with girls I like enough times to know what it takes and how to do it. But something about her just makes me want to hold on for another day. I always think to myself, "Maybe something will change when the sun rises again." I think one of the biggest reasons for me not wanting to move on is because of the type of girl she is. A rarity in our age. The way she thinks and the things she believes in...they're very much like my own. At our age, these specific traits are very hard to come by, especially with today's culture. I might be thinking into this too much, which I probably am, but something inside me, a little thing is telling me just to wait. Be patient and things may change. I dunno...right now, I'm feeling a mixture of sadness and confusion. I know our friendship will always be there because it's just something I'll never want to lose and I'll fight for it with my life. I guess a part of me wants more than friendship because I want to learn and experience things with her...especially since relationship wise, we're also pretty much the same in terms of experience. And I guess part of it is because I feel that we belong together...if there is such a thing.

I had an argument with her today...over the stupidest thing, but at the moment I feel sorry and irritated at the same time. The frustration and easy irritation is probably due to my lack of sleep in the past 48 hours. The sorry feeling I think comes from the fact that it was the first time I've seen her angry. And because it was me who caused it. I don't want to see her sad or mad...I just want the best for her...really. I dunno what's going to happen with this...but I hope it doesn't turn into anything stupid. It really was over something stupid...something I could have done so easily if I just sucked it up for like 10 mins. *sigH* I guess there's nothing I can do now...just wait and see. This is probably one of the only few thing I really care about and don't want to screw up you know?

Yea...I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this whole situation, but I think once school actually starts, I'll probably be a little busier and get distracted. I can't just give up now can I? It's been such a long time and I should at least hold on for a little more before I make a final decision. I think I'm setting myself up for heart break again, but I think it'll be a little easier to deal with this time around. Maybe I should go for someone that likes me instead of the other way around. Maybe my standards are too high. Whatever the reason is, it doesn't seem like things want to work to what I really want. I'm not sure.

I guess all I can do now is just take it "One Moment at A Time" yea? In the end, even if I never end up being together with her, I'll be there to hopefully make her life a little easier and a little happier. Most of the time, it's what I end up doing anyway so it's not like a huge change. If I am able to be happy for her despite not being able to be together with her, then I'll know that all these years, all these feelings, were infact, true.
Secret #37: "Friend"...I really do hate this word.

Happyness and Cantent

I'm here! Yes, people, I am not dead. In fact, I am better than ever. From the first day in Toronto until now...which I know, has been two days, have been awesome. As the title suggests, I don't know how to spell properly, but that's probably because of the amazingness I find in living by myself. I have the freedom of an individual. I can do basically whatever I want, whenever I want. It's sweet. The past seems so far away now. It's like a distant memory and even though it's very vivid, it doesn't seem to matter at all. All the bad times don't seem that bad, all the good times seem better than they used to. It's a great feeling. I have a lot to talk about, but I don't really know where to begin...so I guess I'll start when I got to Toronto...and go from there...chronologically...like most other times...right...you get it.

Alrighty, so I got here on September 1. The flight was alright, pretty stupid, but when we got off and were waiting for luggage, we waited like a bloody hour and then guess what happened...the stupid luggage was coming out of a different conveyor belt thing than what was shown on the screen. So basically...I stood there for 30 minutes while my luggage was waiting for ME to smarten up a second and step about 20 steps to the left to pick it up. Well, since no one else knew, I didn't feel like a complete idiot xP.

Oh yea, before I left for the plane, I said good byes to my family. Even though I'll still see them during the holidays, I realized that at this point, it's the time where I start drifting apart, physically, from them. Now, it's for about 7 months of the year, but soon that number will increase until I get a job and have a family of my own. (Oh wow...family of my own...I said it without hesitation...you see what I mean about being happy?) Anyway, soon I'll be dropping by with gifts for my parents and sister maybe once or twice a year. I guess the realization of that point made me want to thank them properly for putting a roof over my head and food in my mouth for the last 18 years of my life. It was a sad moment. My baby sister was really upset that I was leaving. It was the saddest thing I ever saw. She was trying to contain herself even though she's only 7 and tears just flowed down her little rosey cheeks. It made me very sad, but on the other hand, proud to be a big brother. It showed, at that moment, that I made an impact on someone...enough of one that it would trigger the emotions to pour out of them. Even though she's still a little girl...it meant a lot.

Okay, that was slightly depressing. But let's put that aside now. Alright, so after I got here, I spent a couple more hours getting myself to the place that I'm staying at. The whole process is tedious so I'll spare you the pain...that I had to go through xP. The place that I'm staying at...is I would say a very nice place to reside compared to the other residences. After witnessing the horrors of a single room in the size of a cubicle, I was very excited to see that my place of stay actually had room to move around without bumping into something else. Also, I guess my very low standards helped improve the reaction with this place. Good stuff none the less. Of course, with the place of stay comes a person that you have to stay with. My roommate...ahh what I can say about the guy (yes, it's a guy, I know guys...I'm lucky, but not a miracle worker), he's really cool. We have a lot in common and he's super nice. I mean, I don't know about his whole life story, but he's a nice guy to hang out with. And it's also fun when he lets you talk to his girlfriend on the phone even though all you do is make fun of him xD. Yea, couldn't be happier with my roommate. Makes my life so much easier.

Moving onto a new topic...GIRLS. Yay, just the topic you were waiting for right? Yea, I had to save the best for last and aren't you glad now that you read through all that boring junk just to get here? But yes, girls. A lot of them, obviously, not in engineering, but around my residence and around campus and around the city. A lot of Asian girls, which makes life a little better seeing the fact that most of the time I can't seem to be able to find white girls attractive, in a sense that I would be interested. Iunno, just walking around, I see quite a few good looking girls, but I do hang out with one of the best looking girls I know during most of the spare time I have, so I guess it just makes me more chill about the whole situation. Good stuff too because we're here to learn! NOT to "Pao Niu". For those who don't know what that is...too bad. But yes, if you're looking for good looking Asian girls, then please, find yourself a flight to China. But if you want to find good looking Asian girls who speak even a little bit of English, then please, find yourself a flight to China. BUT if you're ever in Toronto and you're looking for good looking Asian girls, then my friend, you should stay for awhile =). Alright...I've been typing for a long time now and I'm honestly exhausted, but I do like to say just ONE more little thing. I've been hanging out with Fang a lot and it's always amazing. From staying up until 3:30 in the morning looking at idols that she finds attractive to teaching her the proper dialect to proper mandarin, it's been awesome. I didn't know I could want to spend so much time with one single person. And most surprisingly, I didn't know I had it in me to be able to have a conversation or many conversations for such a long time. Iunno...it's just a great feeling. I think she's great at promoting conversation though. Makes it so easy on my part hehe. And I guess you can have a lot to say when you want to talk to the person too...that might have something to do with it xP. I dunno...things just feel so right in place...just fits, like pieces of a puzzle =P. I do hope someday she gives me a chance, but if not, I couldn't have asked for a better person to spend at least 4 years with.

Alright, I'm pretty sure I'm done here...have to get ready to go to meet the faculty members...ohhh, funn. OH YEA! I was able to transfer Eng Sci! Now I can pursue my goal of aerospace...or nanotech xP. Good stuff all around. Okay, peace it out v-.-.